Pros & Cons

As we approach Gage's 8 month birthday, I can't help already feeling nostalgic about his newborn days. Granted, he's a lot more FUN now, he's also into everything, as I mentioned in my last post. I feel like a referee, and I only have ONE kid so far.
The thing is, Gage is getting so big, so fast. It makes me want another BABY to have around, since he's all "Hey, look ma, no hands!" And working on his second novel. I said to Curtis "Oh no, I have baby fever." And he pointed to Gage who was hanging on precariously to the sharp corner of the coffee table and said "There's your baby fever right there."
I miss the cuddling. Gage is SO over cuddling unless it's right before bedtime. And, he doesn't even fall asleep with me, he just hangs out looking at me like "So, when are you going to be done holding me so I can get in my bed and sleep?" He's also a lot more selective with *KISSIES!!!!* We have to steal them now.
However, Gage is such a joy to watch as he learns and goes off on his own more. Right now, he's squealing while chasing after the dog...the blind one...who hides from him under the couch, which he finds hysterical. And he gets down on his tummy and peeks under the couch and reaches for her and giggles.
I know they grow up, but I guess I figured I had more time before he started being so independent. He hardly wants to be held in the swimming pool and occasionally pushes away from us like "Hey, guys, I got this figured out. I totally swam around in mom's tummy for 9 whole months. I'm a pro!" He wants to be put down after 1.5 seconds of soothing after a nasty crash.
I DON'T miss the waking up at night. Gage sleeps very well at night. And, he's really great in public. Not at all embarrassing like Curtis. OK, really, I am the embarrassing one. But, Gage is the one who burps mid-conversation with the check out clerk. AND, he's the one who makes farting sounds on my leg when I am on the phone.
He's pulling up on everything, smashing his face, and getting right back up. He wants to eat whatever we have on our plates, and we let him have bites of everything. He feeds himself little baby snacks without a problem (this has increased his value to our dogs). He's not really into using a cup, but it seems to be that he doesn't want juice. He makes faces when he drinks it.
When I say "no" he looks at me and smiles. He gets that charm from his dad. He's so insistent upon having his own way, and it drives me crazy, because I want to have MY way. Like not getting poop on me when I change his diapers.
I miss watching him sleep, I miss him sleeping through grocery store trips. He's now graduated to screeching for fun, and grabbing whatever is hanging on hooks nearby. I went grocery shopping alone last night while Curtis and Gage played at home. They had a great time, and so did I. Since I wasn't pulling price tags out of Gage's mouth that he had chewed off the toy I picked up for him.
I am still very protective of his naps, and that's cramping my style more and more these days since he's big enough and fun enough to take places. So, I want to take him out, but I have to plan around naps. I don't mind Gage when he's not napping. He's such a good kid (minus the dog terrorizing) when he's awake. I think that's because of the naps. I am telling you, parents, let your kids sleep on a regular schedule! Not letting them sleep enough is like feeding them a nutritionally lacking diet.
I feel like I am ready to take on something new. I'm getting a little bored. So bored I bleached my floors last week. AND spot steam cleaned the carpets. However, that reminds me that we move in less than 4 weeks, and I have a whole house to pack. My goal is 3-5 boxes a day, depending on size. I've already gone through my old makeup and toiletries to throw out stuff that doesn't make sense to take to the new place. Like 7 year old silver eye liner....correction, I think I bought it when I was 15, so TEN year old silver eye liner.
Our (new) church we attend is having a back to school clothing drive for kids aged up to 18. I think my size 0 and size 1 jeans can go ahead and see some tiny teens hips now. They'll never meet mine again. So, I am purging out old, but gently used clothes to donate and that will cut down on the packing.

Back to my pros and cons...
It's hard to watch Gage grow up and AWAY from me. That's at least what I feel like is happening. It makes me miss his baby days (most of them, not ALL of them), it makes me want another baby in the house, it makes me look forward to the big boy days too. His curiosity is amazing, and amusing. And frustrating when he's grabbing things off the computer desk. He has started sticking his tongue out while he plays. He makes lots of new sounds. But, I miss the bleary, unfocused eyes of the newborn Gage. And I miss him biting me WITHOUT teeth.

What I've been up to lately....

Um, why haven't I been here to entertain with my words? (Dance, Monkey! Dance!) Here's the run down. I've been really busy...
Saying...
Gage, No!
Gage, what are you doing being so quiet in there? Oh Crap!
Gage, what are you chewing on?
Gage, what's in your mouth? Gross!
Gage, where did you find that!?
Gage, turn around and sit down. Stop standing on your high chair!
Gage, sit on your bottom in the bathtub.
Gage, hold still, you're getting poop all over my carpet...and your clothes...and your hair...CURTIS!!!! Will you please run a bath for Gage?
Gage, mommy needs a minute.
Gage, stop crawling up my leg.
Gage, don't put your mouth on the dog.
Ow, Gage, don't bite my knee cap.
Gage, go see Daddy.
Gage, that's yucky.
Gage, don't play with your spit up.
Gage, please hold still.
Gage, you're going to be an only child.
Gage, get out of the dog's bed.

Grabbing...
Paper out of Gage's mouth
Cups and keys off the coffee table
The TV tray before it dumps over
The fan before Gage pole dances on it and breaks it
Shots of tequila to calm my nerves
Gage before he hits his head
Gage before he climbs out of the bath tub
Gage before he leaps from his high chair
Cords that are hanging from the computer desk that Gage re-enacts Tarzan with
Boxes of Jello and uncooked potatoes from the kitchen floor
Tupperware lids Gage gets from the drawer
Gage before he dumps over the laundry basket
Gage before he drowns himself by dumping the dog's water bowl
Flip flops from Gage's hands
Jars of baby food Gage gets from the drawer when he's in his high chair

Get me?
Good luck to all my pregnant mommies to be!

It's a "Go"

I know I mentioned in a previous post that we MIGHT MIGHT MIGHT be moving into a house. Well, I am super excited to announce that we signed a 13 month lease on an awesome place last night. And, our friends are going to China to further the Kingdom. I feel like this is our way of helping spread the Good News of Christ, by being stewards of their home while they're out of the country.

I promised that I would NOT post pictures of their home on the internet, since it's still THEIR home, and they'll be living there when they return, and probably don't want to worry about crazies. However, I'm happy and excited, and I feel like we're listening to the Holy Spirit's prompting. Plus, A BACKYARD!!! And wood floors through out, so no vacuuming, which scaredy pants Scooter will appreciate. They're leaving a couple of pieces of furniture (one less thing to have to put in storage for two years), including a computer desk that rocks my socks off.

This will be the house where Gage turns one, where he'll take his first steps (as long as he doesn't decide to be all big and start that before the end of August), where we may have our second child. It's also the first HOUSE Curtis and I will live in together. We've had a couple of APARTMENTS, but not a house. And, that's a milestone that makes me content in a new way. It's our first little home together, with trees and a backyard (!!) and no more lugging fat boy up and down the stairs. Twenty extra pounds of warm bodied baby is a killer in the summer. I can't even imagine what being full term pregnant in the summer must feel like.

Which reminds me, my gorgeous (half) sister had her baby girl, Aubrey, on Tuesday. Fortunately, she's in WA state, so I think it's not as bad as it could've been this summer. That's my opinion only. I remember sweating in November when I was hugely pregnant last Thanksgiving. Pictures of that day are amusing, and Curtis likes to laugh and say "Hey, you look hungry". I probably ate a lot, because, who cares if I gained 5 more pounds in the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy, the baby weight is GONE now, suckas! But, the stretch marks remain...and, I didn't care. Being pregnant is the only time you can unapologetically stuff yourself on a meal by meal basis and no one can judge you. When giving my order at a restaurant I invariably started with "This is going to sound like a lot, but..." The BIG boss at my job would offer me snacks in the afternoons (like a granola bar, or something like that), and I never said no.

All these babies, and the thought of having a house that we will most likely be staying in for two whole years without moving, added to the fact that Curtis's truck will be paid off in the foreseeable future gives me baby fever. And, then I hear Gage's head hit the Exersaucer (or floor, or small toy) and I remember to take my birth control pills.

So, it's a go! The house, I mean.

Gage - Seven Months already!?!?

Dear Thunder Thighs, Uh, where the heck did the last month go?? Oh, I think it's a blur because I have spent most of my time chasing you around the house all day. Yeah, because on June 16th, you started this cute scooting/army crawl thing. Except now, it's this terrorizing scramble across all surfaces, uneven and flat! You steamroll across the floor like a wrecking ball, and the dogs HATE IT. It's pretty hysterical. You have dumped the dog's water bowl over twice, I have had to pick up shoes and unplug everything within your reach, and just when I thought I had learned to manage this whole mobility thing, you started teething. Yeah, I mean like chewing on metal belt buckles and table legs. Not to mention, you started pulling up on things this past week, so now I have to keep the coffee table free of everything I don't want in your mouth. This is the first month's passing that's been a blur for me. Well, except for the first 2 months when I was in a place I can't remember called "Newborn Mommyland" where my nipples were cracked and I didn't shave my legs. I told your father last night that I don't want to go back to that place, but, I probably will so you don't have to grow up an only child and turn out like me, all mal-adjusted and unable to share. Yeah, kid, it's insane. You sleep through the night, except for the past few nights have been a bit rough, and I'm only soft hearted to you at 3am because I know it's the gums. Teething's a bitch. And, I don't care if you say that either. Because it's the truth! The funniest thing about this whole mess, is your unstoppable chewing on leather belts and wooden blocks, and this growling while rubbing your fists on your gums thing you do:


You're awesome! We love you so much. We even let you stay the night at Uncle Scott & Aunt Miranda's house so mommy and daddy could have some alone time this past weekend, and we were all very happy with this arrangement. They love you, and we loved having a break from you. Don't be offended. You loved having a break from your insane mother and you know it!

Every month you're getting bigger, smarter and more loveable. More you. And, we can't get enough of it!!

Love, Mommy

A 2nd Honeymoon

I'm going to go ahead and say this past weekend was in the top 3 best weekends I have ever had with my husband. The other two weekends include the first time he told me he loved me (and that he intended to marry me) and the weekend of our honeymoon.

And, now let me chase a rabbit. My favorite non-fiction author is Elisabeth Elliott. She wrote "Passion & Purity" many decades ago. When I was in college, having suffered enough break ups to assure myself that I was TIRED of hearing "i love you" with no real follow through in action, I read this book, and I found something that made so much sense to me that I prayed for the man I married to feel the same way. In one of the final chapters of "Passion & Purity", Elisabeth Elliott shares that her father told her brothers (I believe that was the situation, as it happens, I can't find my copy of the book to confirm) this piece of advice. "Do not tell a woman that you love her unless and until you are ready to follow that with a marriage proposal."

Surely you see where I'm going here. Curtis told me he loved me 4th of July weekend two years ago. It might sound like a silly thing, but it was the first time I
heard it followed by "And, you're going to be my wife." That's exactly how he said it. I had finally found a man who could take charge even when he was sweeping me
off my feet. Let me also give you a time line. Curtis and I had been dating exclusively for about seven months before he told me he loved me. By month THREE, at the latest, every other guy had thrown out this three word phrase. I remember he stood by the front door of his apartment, told me he loved me and boldly stated that even though he didn't have a ring right this second, he was going to marry me as soon as he could (and he did, about 5 months later). So, this weekend has always been special for us, because it was the beginning of our life as we now know it. And, he admitted he wanted to tell me he loved me about 3 months into the relationship, but he wanted to wait because he wanted it to mean for a lifetime. Now, tell me God didn't write that love story.

So, this past Saturday, Curtis had ran out to get something, and he called me when he was about five minutes from home and said that he had an overnight babysitter for Gage and I needed to pack his stuff because he was staying with his brother and his wife. At first, I sort of panicked. Like, you did what? You're sending our son away?? Have you lost your mind?! I worry NOT about who is watching him, but he's never spent the night away from home (from me, from MOMMY!!!!!). Until now. And, I only wish Curtis had forced me to do it sooner. Nearly seven months without a break, and always knowing that even if Gage is asleep for the night, he could always wake up, interrupt our movie, and annoy me just enough that it ruins the time Curtis and I have together.

So, we spent the evening together, stayed up until midnight, and slept in the next morning. Scott & Miranda brought Gage home around 10am. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't realize that not only does a baby monoploize my time most days, but he also monopolizes my mind. It's hard to remember to put anyone in front of your kids, and the problem with that is, you wouldn't have the kid without the man you made him with! So, the time away from being "Mommy" and just being "Jodie" really changed my perspective. It also reminded me of why I am so crazy about Curtis, and why we started a life and a family together. What a joy and blessing it is to be a mother, but how much more of a joy and blessing to have a loving husband to be married to, to love, to get into bed at night with.

This past weekend was like a mini honeymoon for my heart and mind. And, I am soooo ready to schedule Gage's next overnight trip!

Modest is Hottest....right?

I should be cleaning since this weekend I basically got nothing done, but I know Curtis will be working a full day, so I have time to get it all done by the end of the day. And, Gage is SLEEPING, so I am taking a break for a minute.

I spent a good portion of Saturday at a MOPS planning meeting - which is basically the beginning of the best thing that I've been a part of as a mom. I went to a few MOPS meetings at the end of the school year last year, because my sweet friend, Raquel, invited me to the group when I was taking Gage to MDO at FBC Plano. It basically saved my life. MOPS is "Mothers of Pre Schoolers". It's a Christ-based international organization that has probably done the most good for mothers around the world. We meet twice a month during the school year and have potluck brunch, a speaker or some sort of creative activity (which is the committee I am on this year...crafts!!) group time, prayer requests, and generally support each other through this thing called motherhood.

I can't say how much this particular thing means to me. If I hadn't found MOPS (or rather if Raquel hadn't found me and told me about MOPS) I think I might have had an even harder time getting through my dark days.

One thing I noticed on Saturday was all the "Mormon shorts" as Curtis calls them. They're shorts that are closer to the knee than the crotch. Now, please don't be offended, or think I am being rude. It's really a compliment to Mormons that Curtis associates them with modesty. I think that's their goal anyway. And, really, it's just the same as Baptist shorts, because that's how I was raised. "Modest is Hottest" and "Above reproach; below the knee". I can go on forever with those.

I bought some shorts in the spring from Old Navy, and they're all within 2 inches of my knees. Curtis likes them when I'm in public alone, but he thinks they're a little silly in general. I remind him that one of the reasons he married me is BECAUSE I'm not a floozy. And, it's not just because I'm a mom. It's because I'm a woman who guards the things that are meant for my husbands eyes only. I'm not trying to be "holier than thou" here. My parents raised me VERY conservatively. No sex, no alcohol, no cigarettes, and no short shorts! I wasn't allowed a 2 piece swimsuit until I was 15 and that's only because Tankini's made their debut. And, I am certainly glad for the way they raised the standards of what they expected, versus what the world says is attractive. And, these moms I hang out with, they obviously feel the same way about modesty. I love that I can be around a group of women and not feel intimidated because their sexy cleavage is visible.

It's something that's been a growing frustration for me as the weather gets warm. A woman walked into a restaurant where we were eating the other day, and Curtis and I both looked right at each other with a look of shock, and I jokingly covered Gage's eyes because she looked like she had on one of those Denim Diapers that I've seen commericals for. Her shorts barely covered her cheeks.

And, I'm glad you're proud of your breast augmentation, and I'm glad you had the chance to do that for yourself and your husband (though, of course, not all women who have faux tops are married and only showing them at home), but please don't show them to me and my family.

Wear what you want at home. I believe some women forget to be sexy at home for their husbands...and sometimes when your kids are older, that's an awkward challenge. Don't forget your husband loves you and wants you. But, please, refrain from making me see what the good Lord gave you, or what you paid for.

What an insane 2 weeks!

Hmm...I think I have to start with Gage crawling. He started scooting around on June 16th, and he's only made huge leaps and bounds of progress since. I've frantically had to baby proof the house. Meaning I have:
-Vacuumed and mopped practically every other day.
-Picked up all cords (like the cable cord) and hung them on something to get them at least a foot off the ground.
-We've starting putting our shoes in chairs, or on the mantle. Which leads me to...
-I pushed the couch against our fireplace mantle. We have a pretty substantial brick mantle in our living room, and we don't use the fireplace in the summer, if you can believe that!
-Pulled a receipt, and a Reese's foil wrapper from his mouth.
-Brought the Pack 'n' Play into the office to contain him when I need 5 minutes on the computer without wondering what he's got in his mouth.

It's been pretty crazy to adjust to his mobility. He loves it. He can get after the dogs, follow me into the kitchen, crawl under his exersaucer, and generally get into everything possible!
He's gotten interested in sitting in his high chair to hang out while I wash dishes (because something has gone terribly wrong with our dishwasher the past couple of days) or cook. He's so big, playing by himself. He's gotten s few bumps here and there with the crawling. A scrape on the knee, and a bruise on his big head from the coffee table. But, he's a tough kid! At his 6 month check up, everything was great with him. He weighed 19 lbs 8 oz, and is 27 inches tall! The round of shots he got seemed to affect him more this time, making him tired and cranky and whiney for two full days. YUCK!

He does not want to be held as much, now that he can get around on his own. That makes me sad. He's gotten a little belligerent with his new found freedom. He's arching his back to be put down, he doesn't want to be rocked. He's also been waking up a little more at night, which I feel is a direct test of my tough love abilities. He knows how to put himself to sleep at night, (because we taught him that at a very young age) and he knows how to put himself BACK to sleep if he wakes up. So, I may check on him but I won't pick him up. Of course, I am battling the pee pee leaking diapers, but I am trying out the Huggies Overnights tonight. Cross your fingers for me!

yo gabba gabba - gage's mistress

Gage and I were playing in the breakfast nook/office together yesterday. He was crawling on me and giving me slobber kisses, when all of a sudden, the music changed on TV and he stopped and leaned toward the sound. Our TV isn't visible from the computer, but you can obviously hear what's on. And, what does he do...he starts trying to turn around in my lap.

It took about 8 more seconds of music before I hear "Yo gabba gaaaabbaaaaaaaaa!" and I figure out what's on TV. So, I take Gage into the living room (he hasn't watched the show in quite a while because I got tired of it, and he's usually napping when it comes on at noon) and I put him on his bottom to sit up like a big boy, and he immediately looks at the TV and starts smiling. And, I am SO offended. He picked THAT show over kissing and cuddling with mommy. But, here he is, so cute and big boy-like with his blonde head, I couldn't say no.

Conversations

Yesterday Curtis and I were giving each other a hard time about our respective jobs and responsibilities. I had left my coffee cup on the computer desk, and he was at the computer and said
"Gee, I wish I had time to sit at the computer and drink a cup of coffee. And, look, you only drank half."
My response, "Yeah, I only had time to drink HALF A CUP OF COFFEE while I was doing marketing for (y)our business yesterday morning."

Via text message in the late morning.
Me: "Your son is VERY talkative today"

Several hours later we're trying to watch a Netflix movie and Gage is squealing and squawking, Curtis looks at me exasperated and all I ask is "Didn't you get my text message?"

And, this morning, I woke up around 2:30 to discover the baby monitor was turned off, and I went to check on Gage, and I felt pretty bad about it, even though he sleeps until 4:30 or so. WHen Curtis got out of the shower, I asked him if he had turned off the baby monitor and his reply "NO. I would never ever do that!".
So, apparently I am the bad parent, and I turned it off in my sleep. Subconcious action? :)

I Can't Complain??

It has occurred to me that some people might feel like I have no right to complain about poop or sleepless-ness since I have the blessing of staying home with my son. My question: Do YOU love every single minute of YOUR job? Because that's what this is. My job. The one I don't get paid for.

I love the hell out of my life. It's crazy, it's awesome, it's stressful, it's full of shit sometimes. I get to stay home ALL DAY with my son. I don't even have to put on pants if I don't need to go anywhere!!!!! And, I haven't mentioned this to anyone yet, but we MIGHT MIGHT MIGHT be renting a little house instead of moving to another apartment. It's all in God's hands right now, but it would be an opportunity to help support some missionaries to China by renting their home while they're gone for 2 years. This is me being excited about having a back yard for the puppies and Gage. That's probably the #1 thing I am most excited about.

So, I am going to be honest. I do NOT love every minute of my job. It's not always a blast to clean poop off baby feet at 4am, or scrub a belly full of baby food throw up off a wooden high chair. You can pretend like you love your job all the time. Or you can get real and join the rest of us on EARTH.

But, dang it, this is the best thing I've ever gotten to do. So, be jealous. :)

Gage: Six Months Old

Dear Big Boy,
You are no longer always a baby. Some days you're a little boy now. You've gotten big, and I think this past month you've shown the greatest amount of progress between "birthdays".

You've had a lot more "firsts" in the past month. You've eaten a lot of new foods. You went swimming in the pool. You're laughing even harder. You've started throwing fits. You spit. You can drink from a sippy cup. You're sleeping pretty well. I DO think we're about to hit the hardcore teething days really soon. I also would like you to know that I still have another 7 lbs to lose, and your nap schedule has made it hard to get to the gym lately.

You're reaching for everything. Cups, toys, the dogs, dirty diapers I just took off of you, my slice of pizza. You just figured out you can stretch and reach the floor with one foot in your walker and push yourself backwards. Your dad saw you take one crawl and face plant yesterday. So, I know crawling is just around the corner. Scooter will LOVE when you're mobile. Then he will have to hide from you on our bed or somwhere equally unreachable by you. I'm pretty sure HE is the reason you will pop up and start crawling any day now. You want to get your hands on him so badly.
You respond to me saying "bounce" when you're in your exersaucer. You think it's funny when I made an idiot of myself dancing, singing, crawling (to set the example, of course!) and jumping around. You somehow manage to get stuck under the coffee table on a regular basis.

You are VERY interested in everything. We love to watch you in "discovery mode". You're everywhere, and we can't look away for a second. You've learned how to flip onto your tummy in the bath tub. You've started spitting. You're six months old!!!

I just can't believe we have a son, and he's already six months old. If you want to speed up time, have a kid. Then every day of memories is new and goes by way too quickly.

Gage, you've turned my whole world into something new. I see things from your perspective. And, it's taught me what's important. Like squirrels and bananas. And rolling across the living room. And splashing water out of the tub. And not wearing any clothes. (ok, you play naked, mommy doesn't)

I took you to the pet store yesterday, and your eyes popped out of your head to see all the puppies and bunnies and fish. I can barely keep you fed these days. You're eating constantly it seems. But, you go for several hours at night without eating, so it makes sense. You are concerned with what we are eating, and I think you're figuring out that you're getting screwed when it comes to the cereal and jars of baby food.

I am just overwhelmed with all the things that have happened this month. You're getting sooo big, and I can't wrap my mind around it. You get angry when I force you to hold still when I change your diaper. And the spitting...usually when you're angry. You get crazy in the saucer when you're hungry. Speaking of eating: you sit in your high chair like a big boy and open your mouth like a bird when i get te bowl and spoon out with your cereal in it. And, you smacked the bowl out of my hand the other day and splattered cereal across the floor. Scooter likes you a little more because of that.

You scream for fun. You try to sit up when you're laying down or in your car seat. You reach your arms up to get picked up by us when we come to get you. You're constantly happy. You love people. You love yourself. I think we're the luckiest parents to have a kid like you. We couldn't ask for a more special, wonderful son.

Thank you for all you've taught me. For all your kisses. For cuddling with me at bedtime and patting my face to wake me up after our early morning nap together. Thank you for being such a good baby in public. You've always got a smile for strangers. Thank you for making us parents. And thanks for not firing me for sucking at this job.

Love, Mommy

My Daily Goals

It might seem silly, but I have made a list of things I want to accomplish each day. It's sort of a "to-do" list for all aspects of life. Simple things that don't always get done in a normal day, but should, if I manage my time better.

In somewhat chronological order:
Make Coffee
Read Bible
Post/Maintain Marketing Ads
Workout
Shower
Do dinner dishes and wipe down kitchen counters
Clean off coffee table (it collects stuff over the day)
Plan for dinner by thawing appropriate meat
Wash, dry, fold and put away a load of laundry

Other things:
Play with Gage (don't worry, this is what I spend a lot of time doing)
Read Bible story to Gage before bedtime
Blog
Get out of the house before 4pm to run errands - this is a challenge because, as I mentioned, I revolve my time around Gage's naps, and I won't leave the house if he's suppose to be napping. It makes life easier if he's well rested.

If you think this sounds ridiculous, you probably don't have kids.

Poop Patrol (and my iron stomach)

**FAIR WARNING, CONTAINS POOP COMMENTARY AND ANECDOTES**

Soooo, the other day Curtis asked me if I had written any blogs lately. It warmed the cockles of my heart. I think. Because I'm not sure where that saying came from, or where my cockles are exactly. That should be a blog in itself...where do these random sayings come from?

Here I am. I think two weeks ago, I started going back to the gym. Meaning, I made it two days last week, and zero days this week. Gage has been sleeping more. And, I may be a terrible parent what with all the tequila Gage drinks these days, but I firmly believe in the importance of sleep. So, I will plan my life/day around the sleep habits of the mini monster that lives with us. So, I never wake him up. Ever. Except for this morning. More to come on that.

I explained to Curtis that I have always had the tendency to write when I am feeling something negative. It's my creative outlet for my disappointments and frustrations. And, I think the natural high of FINALLY working out (even if only a couple days at a time) was such a fix for me, that I've been riding that high for two weeks. Also, I went to see SATC 2 with a girlfriend last weekend, and we had a cookout with those same friends for Memorial Day weekend. So, I've been socialized, exercised, and something else-ized enough that I've not felt a NEED to write to feel better.

But, I have things to share. Like why I woke Gage up today. He's been sleeping great lately. Lots of naps and sleeping through the night on occasion. Last night, he woke up around 3:15, had a bottle and slept until I had to wake him up because he was sleeping in his own poo. Yes, I said that. He had pooped his diaper, it exploded out the top, and he was happily sleeping on his tummy with crap on his back. After a few minutes of debate (i am VERY dedicated to letting him sleep) and texting my mom what she thought...I woke his poopy butt up. And, thank the Lord I did. It was worse than I thought.

He had poop dried to his back and side. His shirt was ruined, and his sheets were spotless. Guess he hadn't rolled over from his tummy since he pooped, so it was all "contained" to his backside. I took him straight to the tub of soapy bath water I ran before I got him, and I had to scrub the poop off. Yep. And, now my iron stomach that has always been able to handle anything nauseating has truly earned an award.

On the flipside, my mom use to listen from downstairs while I threw up in the bathroom and yell "are you ok?" between barfs. To her credit, this was only after the age of 12. Curtis has thrown up on the toilet lid, on my kitchen counter, on the side of my car. And, guess who cleans it up? Not Curtis. Guess who comes to take care of me when I throw up...not Curtis. Any time I throw up, I am on my own.

So last night when Gage unexpectedly poops all over himself BEFORE bed, and I run him to the bathroom to strip and bathe him, Curtis ran the opposite direction. He DID say "tell me what to do" and then got a towel for me to lay Gage on to strip him on the bathroom floor. And, as I asked Curtis to run the bath water, I lost him. He looked at Gage, looked at me, and went to the living room saying "this bathroom's not big enough for all this". Meanwhile, I am wrestling Gage who doesn't know (or doesn't care) that he's rolling in poop and it's in his hair because he bucked when I tried to pull the onsie over his head. I ran after Curtis and asked a poignant question "Why the hell did you have kids? THEY POOP!"

I washed Gage, put his diaper on, and made Curtis hold him til bedtime. Curtis didn't trust Gage. I guess it's true: Never trust a fart.

In Retrospect

Last week someone asked me if I had struggled with Post Partum Depression with Gage. It gave me pause, because at the time, I don't think I knew which way was up. At the time, I just knew I was merely surviving some days, and crying all days. At the time, I knew that I loved Gage and wanted to be the best mommy possible, but when I had a moment to myself, I felt like I might not get through to the next moment when he needed me.

I had read Heather Armstrong's very open blog about her deep struggle with PPD after her first daughter, and I knew I wasn't as bad off as she had been. I knew she had decided to check herself in for a weekend to the psychiatric ward at the hospital because she knew that's what was best for her family at the time. So, to keep it in perspective, I wasn't ready to seek professional help. But, maybe I could have benefitted from that.

I think my dark moments were more often than I wanted to admit. I believe so strongly that God delivers us from all our demons. I also believe that there are people who may need prescriptions to balance chemical deficiencies. For me, I have had about 4 seasons of emotional depression over the last 10 to 15 years. These were times as a teenager, and young adult/college student that I was dealing with things that mentally overwhelmed me for specific periods of time. It may have been a couple of months, it may have lasted longer. Some times it was just a few bad days, and I was fortunate enough to pull out of it.

I attribute these times to being extremely emotionally sensitive. Not that I easily get my feeings hurt, but that I've always been in very close touch with my emotions and have always been able to share them easily and fairly eloquently. I'm an open book most of the time, and I can rarely hold my tongue when it comes to sharing how I feel. (Curtis refers to this as me being opinionated sometimes. :oP)

Anyway, I was just a mess of emotion and hormones, as all women are after giving birth. I think to myself, we go through 9 months of carrying a child, give birth to them in a matter of hours, and then have to take care of that newborn immediately after. There are not a long of things that are as physically demanding as childbirth. Not to mention the hormone levels that slowly built for 9 months all come crashing down in about 3 days. So, you've done something physically exhausting, you're overwhelmed with love for this new child in your arms, and then you get home and all hell breaks lose.

We had a rough first night home because Gage had his circumcision that morning. I technically only stayed one night in Recovery because I had him so late Tuesday night that I was moved to a recovery room around 3am Wednesday morning. I stayed Wednesday night again, and by Thursday, I just wanted to go home! I had been at the hospital since Monday around lunch time. That night, Gage didn't sleep. His little package hurt, and I had no idea what to do. Curtis could only suggest keeping his diaper dry at all times because it probably stings to have a wet diaper on his surgery. I just wanted to get back in the car and go to the hospital and ask for help! Looking back, I should've stayed another night. But, how was I suppose to know? The nights did get better, and thankfully, newborns sleep whenever and where ever. So, I did my best to sleep when he did.

But, it was the times when I left the apartment alone to run to Walmart, or where ever for a few brief moments that the darkness hit me. I would think, "if I drove my car off a bridge right now, everyone would be ok. I have life insurance to pay for Gage's college, and Curtis would have a lot of help from our families to raise Gage." I could make it make sense to give myself a break. Being so exhausted drove me to think crazier things than I would ever dream of in my normal wakefulness. I resented everything for a while.

And, then, one day, it was like the fog left. About 14 weeks after I had Gage, life made sense again. It was almost immediate. I don't know if it was Curtis's prayers for me. I know he didn't know what was wrong, but that I wasn't happy. I know he did what he knew to do: pray for me. I don't know if it was just that my body and mind finally came together back to my normal self. There were a few factors that I've mentioned before that made things worse for me during an already difficult time. People who I've never even met trashing my peace of mind. A lack of preparedness for the emotional roller coaster. A husband who didn't understand what I was going through, because I didn't know what I was going through. That falls under not being prepared. Again, how could I have known?

But, that's how it was before. And, I know that looking back, I could've asked for more help. Shared my struggles with my doctor. I don't know how close to the edge I came, but I am so thankful to be back from it. Hind sight is 20/20, and I don't think that I knew how hard of a time I was having, or that maybe I could've used support in a different way. All I know, is that by the grace of God, and with Curtis doing everything he could during a time that was incredibly hard for him as well, we made it.

A few weeks ago I was having lunch with my sister in law and a friend who is expecting her first child. We were joking about our kids, and my sister who has three teenagers at her house said "kids are great until they're about fifteen". And, I added "and they're great after about the first 15 weeks!"

Bottom line, in retrospect, yes, I think I did struggle with some Post Partum Depression. And, going forward, I will make some different choices and plans for the next time I have a baby.

3 Days

We have been at home for 3 days. I mean relatively at home. But, 3 days in a row is unusual, and has thrown off the schedule and routine. More, it's thrown me off my routine with just me and Gage. But, it's been SO NICE to share Gage's needs with Curtis all day. So, I don't have to rush in the shower, I can cook a more elaborate dinner, I can go grocery shopping ALONE. I might be getting spoiled. But, also keep in mind, I missed Gage so much on Monday, and we haven't really had any Mommy & Me time alone this week. That kid is awesome. He's such a blessing and a joy. He loves to roll around the floor and giggle at the dogs.

Truck update: they called us at 7:45 this morning when the owner got there and saw Curtis's truck in the parking lot. Yeah, BECAUSE WE HAD TO HAVE IT TOWED, YOU JERKS. Surprise! You didn't fix it. Cool. We are already regretting that we took it to them, because we could have paid $400 more locally, and had it done in ONE DAY. 3 missed days of work, and probably tomorrow as well. Nothing like an unpaid vacation to annoy you. Thank the Lord that He always provides for our needs. One way or another. And, I won't go off about the truck thing until it's complete. THEN, I will smear their good name in this blog.

Contains Explicit Lyrics

Oh good Lord! Where to start? Um, how about with a weekend worrying about Curtis's transmission needing replaced. And, so on Monday we were calling around to find a place to take it to have it fixed. And by fixed, I mean a completely new transmission, or at least the rebuilding of one. So, he takes it to Greenville to have it worked on. They quoted us about $400 less than local places, so it was worth the drive. Plus, it's right around the corner from my in-laws.

Anyway, he drops it off Monday afternoon, and they say they hope to have it done by Wednesday morning. So, at least one full day and probably half a day of missed work. And, then we call this morning and are told "call us after 1 and we will see where we are at. hopefully it will be done by the end of the day). So, around noon we head out to my in-laws to hang out and hope it's done soon.

At 1:30 they say they're putting it back in, and will call us when they're done. We call back at 4. It's not ready. "Call back around 5:15" they say. We call, and they finally say it's ready. That makes two full days of missed work. So, we pack up, get in the car, and go pay for the repairs. Curtis stops to get gas, and then we get on the highway at nearly 6 o'clock.

Let me remind you that we are toting our five month old son along. He slept on the way there, and he tried to take a nap in the afternoon, but it just didn't happen. And, he cried the entire drive home. In Rowlett, I had to stop and get out with Gage at CVS to walk around and get a break from the crying. He was just sooo tired, and I know he missed being home. He's been away from home a lot lately. We walked around, and I had called Curtis and told him to go ahead and go home because it's been such a long day. Curtis had pulled over to wait for us, and when he tried to put his truck in gear, it wouldn't switch into any gear except for Reverse. Bastards!

So, then its already AFTER 7, and we have to call a tow truck to tow from Firewheel back to Greenville. The transmission place will be getting THAT bill. They're also not ansering any calls. Not even a place to leave a message. Which is probably good because Gage did not need to hear the things I wanted to say to them. ALSO: we were suppose to be going to dinner for our good friend Jason's birthday around the corner at 7, and we totally had to miss it. And, we felt like shitheads. And, I have no intention of cooking dinner, so beers it is! Add a lime for a fruit serving!

Gage went to bed at 8. Poor kid. He was just happy to be home with his Exersaucer and some cartoons while he had his bottle. Too bad I finished that bottle of wine on Monday. Note, tomorrow is another day of missed work, and Curtis and I haven't spent time much time together in a while. Please bring me a beer. Ok, I haven't even had one beer. Blogging is my cheap relaxation. Which shows how horrible Monday was that I had TWO glases of wine and half a beer before 9pm.

My eye is starting to twitch. I think I am going to eat some cereal or maybe some ramen noodles and stare into space while I try and forget today.

Tomorrow, we go back to Greenville to get the damn truck. And the $150 we paid for towing. Mother Truckers!!

First Day Back as a Working Girl

First of all, yes, I know that sounds like I am working on a street corner. Second of all, if I was boring, even LESS than the 3 people who read this would take the time to read it.

I am sitting here, anxiously waiting for Miranda to bring Gage to me. She offered to bring him home from her house, since I worked AN HOUR AND A HALF after I planned.
Thank the Lord Gage was with her, instead of some uncaring, unfeeling daycare who would charge me for picking him up past the scheduled time. Curtis was busy getting his truck to Greenville to have the transmission replaced. Yes, the transmission. Let me remind you, he had the rear end axle replaced last month. Well, the end of March.

(fast forward 3 hours later)
My mom just called to see how my first day at work went. My response: "Let me preface this conversation by saying that I've already had two glasses of wine." She said "That bad, huh?"
(and I am working on my first Corona now that Gage is asleep)
Hell yes, it was not great. I got up at 6am, Gage slept til 7am. So, I had time to get ready and all that. Then I put him in his Exersaucer with cartoons on Nick Jr. for 30 minutes until he was ready for a bottle, and we left at 7:45 to head to Miranda's to drop off my precious baby. I love that she is watching him. I don't love that it takes me an hour to get him to Miranda's and then to work.

Today, I get to work on time. I know that I am going to ride with one of the drivers today so that I can get a feel for what they really need to know when I take a call from a customer. It wasn't bad, riding with Driver. He was my dad's age, a Christian. Very helpful with teaching me. I learned the Nextel, and I even picked up and delivered some packages. So, I was a true life Courier today. I remember around 1:50, when we had just dropped a package in Grand Prairie, that my work day wouldn't end at 2pm today. And, by 2:15 I want to cry because it's not going how I expected, and I miss Gage like crazy.

I get off work at 3:30pm, see Gage around 4:30pm, and then immediately go to get Curtis's birthday cake (a few days late b/c it requires some handiwork). We fight traffic from Addison to Plano while Gage complains from his car seat. And, then we get home, get a bottle, and head back out to Walmart to get diapers and formula.

(Two Days Later...)
The wine slowed me down too much to finish writing Monday night, and then Tuesday evening our internet was being crazy. So, I am FINALLY BLOGGING about it.

Well, it's 9:20 in the morning on Wednesday, and I am NOT at work. Monday evening, I was doing a lot of wine induced thinking, and I decided that the sacrifice of not seeing Gage all day, even though it's a part time job was too much. An hour in the car each day with him is wasted. He LOVES his aunt Miranda. That boy is such a traitor. :) He was completely happy with being with her, and I loved that he was with someone that I love too. I can't explain the feeling of knowing you left your child with someone who will take better care of him than you do. I always feel that way when we drop him off with family members. But, I missed that baby.

Work went like this: I get there, they give me a uniform polo shirt to wear while I ride along with Driver. He has an old white van - it helps him make better money because he can carry heavier, bigger cargo. We go to Addison, Dallas, Arlington, Grand Prairie, and then he drops me off at the office on his way to McKinney. That job sucks!

Now, I am suppose to be learning this stuff so I can work in the office. But, I can't get past the lack of communication about how long my day might be that first day, and the fact that I miss Gage like CRAZY!!! So, I decide after one day, that I can't and won't do this.

I thought I needed a break from the baby, but it made me realize that I don't. Not like that. Miranda is going to watch him now and then to give me a break. Just like any awesome sister in law would do - (my other local sister in law takes her turns happily!) and I am blessed. If I had gone back to work around the 3 month mark, when I was so emotionally drained and starting to feel resentful about being home, then I bet I would never have known what it's like to miss Gage like I did. And, his adorable giggles and squeals of delight would have gone mostly unseen by me. I would have unknowingly robbed myself of what I have discovered to be one of the biggest blessings in life. Now, if you're not able to stay home with your babies, I am not saying you're a bad mother. I realize each day how truly blessed I am to be at home.

I also have to share this story. Yesterday, I took Gage to Miranda's house while we steam cleaned our carpets. He's been all over the place lately, and we want to make sure when rolls off the play mat and he puts his face on the carpet, it's as clean as it can be. Well, when I went to pick him up, there was a rogue chicken running around in their front yard (they don't live in the city limits). Her daughter threw out some corn chips and it came over. I crouched down with Gage so he could watch the chicken, and after a couple of minutes, I started making chicken sounds in his ear. He LAUGHED HYSTERICALLY. The hardest I have ever seen or heard. I called Curtis so he could hear over the phone. I love that kid.

Working for just one day made me appreciate what I have. And, I am secretly glad I christened the ladies room before I left for the day. (sorry to those of you who like to pretend not everyone poops!)

Gage: Five Months Old

Dear Monkey Toes,
I cannot even believe that I am already writing your five month letter. You are totally a little person now. There are so many things you have done this month. Your capacity for development grows each month as you grow. You are ALL OVER THE PLACE now. I have started putting you down on the floor on a large blanket and let you roll around and kick and giggle. Oh, and you love it. You laugh so hard. You are so happy, and you're so independent too! You've found your voice in the past week of this month. You scream for the heck of it now. Today, in fact, I was rocking you to sleep for your early morning nap, and you squealed a terrible, ear piercing high pitched squeal and surprised yourself and me! It makes me laugh when you get crazy. And, you laugh at everything. You roll all over the floor, you giggle at the dogs, you chuckle at your dad, you appreciate my completely insane dancing and singing. You've tasted a few new things this month. You've tasted BBQ sauce, mashed potatoes, cinnamon roll icing, a chip, a pickle, a frency fry, a slurpee from QT, water, lime juice, and one bbq baked bean.
You have started blowing bubbles and making "zerberts" on my arm or face if you get your mouth closed around something. You grab our faces and give us slimey, open- mouthed kissies.
You have been going to Mother's Day Out since February. This past week was your last week there. Mommy is going back to work part time, and Aunt Miranda is going to watch you for a few hours each day. And, yes, we are paying her. No one should have to watch a kid not their own for free. Even if they're as awesome as you are. :) I don't know how it will all work out, but it's a trial run. I am planning on pushing back your bedtime a little bit (right now you've been going to bed at 7pm) to see if you will sleep in a bit in the morning so we can get out the door before you get tired and grumpy again. I am hoping to do this for a few months, and then maybe when they want to hire someone full time, I will leave there and go back to teaching classes at the gym. Your teachers were sad you were leaving school.
Tomorrow is my first real mother's day. You were in my tummy, still walnut sized, last mother's day. I did celebrate last year. Your dad got me some perfume and good stuff like that. But, this is the real deal. I will always be reminded that you've made me something I could never have been without you...a Mom. I am spending the day with you, and I can't believe how blessed I am to have you. You've changed my life and turned my world upside down. I see so many other women who want to be mommies, and they can't. How did I get so lucky? Because I know I will always fail you on occasion. I want to do what's best for you each and every day. I base my decisions on your meal and naptimes. I would rather go shopping for clothes and toys to make you smile than buy new shoes for myself. You've challenged my selfish nature and made me realize what's important in life. You filled up all the empty places I had left with your smile. I didn't think I could be happier and so much in love after I met your dad and got married to him. I didn't think any man would ever steal my heart again. But, you have increased my ability to love, to serve, and to give. I felt like my life was complete when I married your daddy. And, then you came along and showed us what we were missing. Now that you're here, we could never be the same. You made us parents, and you made us a family.
You've accomplished so much this month. You've accomplished more in 5 months than most people have in their whole lives. Because God took these two imperfect people and made them parents. A mommy and daddy for YOU.
I am so filled with delight to watch you learn and grow. You get really focused on something, and I can just see the wheels turning in your head as you figure out the world around you. You will furrow your little brow and concentrate hard at something new, and then smile. When you're laying on your tummy and you start to get mad because you're tired of it, you will pull your knees up under you, straighten one arm, and then topple over to your back. I think you're going to be crawling in the next couple of months. You're strong. And plenty of people have commented on it. It's not just my biased opinion. You were lifting your head as soon as you came out of my belly, so I think you were a step or two ahead on the physical development!
Gage, you're the best kid we could have ever hoped for. We love you so much. Happy Five Months of life!
Love, Mommy

What You Don't Understand 'Til You Have Kids

OH, today was crazy. We had, I am not kidding, back to back phone calls for our business, when it's hardly been busy lately. I wonder if it's the new ad that hit Superpages.com this month, coupled with everyone getting their tax return. But, it was busy, busy. Hugely awesome too. I've been arranging things all day.

Anyway, add to this the fact that Gage missed his morning nap, and then a second run for an afternoon nap that was interrupted by a MORON who cannot follow directions, and knocked on the front door, when he was told not to knock, "the baby is sleeping". (run on sentence, yes? judge me not) So, Moron knocks, and dogs bark and baby wakes up. Thank you, Moron. No afternoon nap.

So, now Gage is taking a nap, yes a NAP AT 5:30PM because what else should I do? He's out of control tired. This kid who's been sleeping 3 extra hours in the day for naps lately, got NO NAP. I'd be pissed too. I reckon he sleeps until 6:30 or 7 and then I wrestle him down at 9pm for bed. Thrown off schedule, but sleep prevails. I would rather have a crazy schedule tonight than a cranky baby. Because Gage is the product of Curtis and myself. We are not nice when we're tired, we are hateful when we haven't eaten. Combo = insanely moody baby when he's tired AND hungry.

What I never realized is how sacred the naptime quietness is. No, I don't think you should keep complete silence when your kids are napping, but it's nice to not have the trash man picking up garbage from the curb, or the UPS man delivering packages to your front door during this time. And, guess what? YOU WILL NEVER BE QUIET ENOUGH FOR ME! I am the naptime Nazi. If you're loud, I will melt you with my laser stare. Or say unkind things in a loud whisper. And, I might forget the baby monitor is on, and say things I wouldn't say to your face when I go get the crying baby from his crib after you wake him up. And, I won't feel too bad about it.

A few other things:
-If I haven't had a chance to shower, but my kid is dressed and clean and fed and happy and ready to go to the store, I will be there shopping, with my unshaven legs and ponytail and an extra application of deoderant.
-If I have beer and diapers in my cart, don't assume a 12 pack of MGD is for me. At least I am not taking my Prozac with it. Besides, I only drink Corona with a lime, and my husband usually picks it up on a Friday night. :) (and, I don't really take Prozac, not to judge anyone who does take it, either!)
-I may need parenting advice, but I will be damn sure to ASK SOMEONE WHO'S OPINION I WANT when I do. Keep it to yourself. You aren't my kids mom, and everyone raises their kids differently.
-I am fiercely protective. I use to think moms who were crazy about their kids all the time were just that; Crazy. But, it's the Mama Bear in us. If I think anything or anyone is threatening my family in any way, I WILL go psycho on you.
-If I can't find my keys, and forget to pay the cell phone bill on its due date, then that's a good week for me. I've never been so "abentminded". It's really that when you become a parent, your mind is filled with your kids and their needs, and you may forget to shave your arm pits or brush your teeth every once in a while.
-Breakfast can be whatever it needs to be. For yourself, and for your kids. And, I will drink only coffee until dinner if I am too busy for lunch as well!
-My house will rarely be spotless if you "Drop by" (just don't knock on my door if the "baby is sleeping" sign is on it!). I care more about germs than clutter anyway.
-Don't judge a mom with happy children. My goal at the end of each day is simply that Gage is well taken care of, and my husband is happy. The end justifies the means.
-Don't forget the moms in your life. It's a hard job; it's the best job I've ever had. (Except for when 24 Hour Fitness PAID ME $23/hr to teach TurboKick. That job rocked too!)

Thought DUMP!

Wow. I've got a lot on my mind, and a lot to do before I pick up Gage from MDO at 2. So, I really needed to just spill my thoughts here so I can focus on the cleaning and the projects I have planned for today.

Where to start? Um, Tuesday night we went to my in-laws and had burgers on the grill. My brother in law and his wife were there too. It's always fun with family because everyone wants a turn with Gage, and he's so social he loves it. Plus, it gets him out of my hands for a bit. I think he needs a break from me sometimes. Like, I'm just mommy, not too exciting. He gets all wiggly when I take him somewhere.

Yesterday, we went to MOPS group and then all the mommies stayed and fed their kids lunch and Gage and I hung out and talked and he played on the floor with some other babies and I got to have adult conversation with other moms who have infants. Then, we all went to the park around the corner, and played for an hour or so. Again, the three littlest ones, including Gage, sat and played in the grass while the mommies supervised and talked. Here's a big shock: this is the first time I have ever gone to the park on a playdate. I've always thought Gage was too young to care. Oh, well, he cares now. Mr. Social is just like his parents. He thrives in a social setting. He loves seeing things and watching the other kids play on the playground. He's not a baby anymore it seems. It was one of the best days I've had as a mom.

Then, last night, he went to bed around 7:45pm and I heard some sounds around 10:30 but I waited it out, and he went back to sleep....until 4:45am. I flew out of bed around 4:20 when I woke up to realize he hadn't woken up! I ran in and slowly peeked in his crib...he was sleeping on his tummy. Little boy can roll around and get comfortable now. Stop with the growing up, Gage!!!!

Tuesday night on the way home, Curtis got a phone call from a previous co-worker/friend who helps run a courier service based in Richardson. I met with him and two other decision makers about a year ago when I was working as a Recruiter/Sales in Staffing. They were considering hiring someone, and joked that they would hire someone like me when they were ready. Well, they are looking for someone part time, it seems. So, Curtis's friend calls and asks if I am still interested in working part time. And, I think I am. Because Gage has been going to MDO for two days a week for a couple of months, and he loves it. And, to be honest, I accomplish more when I have a LOT to accomplish. I am driven by results, and I am driven by deadlines and stress. I get more done when I have little time to do it. So, my house isn't as clean as it use to be, because I have all this free time. Of course, I would be blogging anyway.

So, while it may seem that I don't need to take on MORE. I think that having a little time outside of the house with something to DO will make me a better wife and mother. I've known this about myself, but kind of felt guilty for wanting to do it all. I like to be busy. But, it's also easy to let things slide out of balance when you take on too much. I feel like now is the time to start adding things back to my plate. I'm sure Curtis would say that I could add housekeeping to my plate all I want. HAHA. My life is full in a heart sense, but not full enough for my mind. Plus, to be completely shallow, having extra money won't hurt. We are SOO blessed because Curtis works hard and provides for us financially on his own. He's amazing. I could never take on financial responsibility like he does. So, I think it would be nice to bring home a little slice of bacon to give us extra money for more fun things. Believe me, we don't go without. And, I'm not just saying we make it by with just the bare necessities. We live a very nice, comfortable life.

And, then, a positive sign...my sister in law says she would like to watch Gage during the week. So, there's an answer to the childcare worry if I did get a part time job. So, maybe we are on to something here.

Ok, I gotta get hoppin onto other things.

Gage's Accomplishments

This week has been full of things you've done that are completely awesome. First of all, we FINALLY saw your roll from back to tummy yesterday. I know you've done this at least 3 times before. Twice at night when I left you on the floor to get a new set of jammies for you, and I came back and you were on your tummy. I think you cheated and used your feet against the night stand. But, then Sunday afternoon, you were on the floor in the living room, and of course, I walked away, and your dad was sitting with his feet up in the recliner, so you weren't in our line of vision. I came back, and you were on your tummy. Again, with the sneakiness!
Then, we were all on the back porch, and I laid you down because you were being so silly and wiggly on my lap and I figured you could use the exercise. And, boom, there you go, right over to your tummy. We cheered so loud it scared you and made you cry for a second.
And, today, you have already taken two naps. And, it's only 2:15. You rock. You've alse been sleeping better at night. Not that you're not waking up, but you are sleeping from 7pm til about 8:15am with a couple of wake ups for food. And, you like to wake up around 5:30 and be awake until Daddy leaves for work, then take a bottle and go back to sleep with me til 8am. I love you for this early morning wake up and subesequent sleep til a NORMAL time. You're always super adorable this early hour too.
I can barely keep you fed these days. You're eating constantly it seems. But, you're also going longer without eating at night, so it makes sense. You put everything into your mouth to chew on. You seem to have found your thumb some days, but I never see you sucking, always just chewing. We are thinking about buying you a really big dog bone for your 5 month birthday. Of course, that will be after the Tequila shot celebration.
You're never a disappointment in social settings. You've always got a smile and giggle for people who want to talk to you. You play well and you like to show off. You're so aware and alert and curious. You're very interested in the out doors, and I think you'll love going camping in a couple of weeks.
You've also been making new sounds. Like this lovely clearing your throat sound. I'm thinking you're going to say your own name first with that sound! That would be a snarky thing to do. Skip the "mama"/"dada" contest and start with your own name. You LOVE your dad though. I think you'll say dad first. You've been sticking your tongue out like a little lizard, and sometimes you will mimic us if we stick out our tongues. You like to watch us eat and drink too.
Man, you'll be 20 weeks old tomorrow. 5 months in that sense. I don't recall giving you permission to turn into a little boy, and not be a baby anymore, but you've gone and done it. Oh, and one more thing, you're not big on crying. You prefer to yell when you're not happy. Screeching, screaming, but mostly genuine deep voiced yelling. It's a great way to communicate.
I love you.
Love, Mommy

Ten points for Gage!

This week, Gage has proven that he's a big boy now. He DID have that total meltdown in rush hour traffic, but then Friday, he totally hung out with us at dinner and then even stayed up to say hi to Rachel and Jason before he went to sleep with hardly a peep. And, then he spent 3 hours at the Allen High School Tallenettes Spring Showcase without having a cow. He's been so hilarious with smiles and laughs and so much personality.
Yeah, our kid rocks. And, the unfortunate side effect to that is baby fever. But, that ain't gonna happen this year, friends! Do you hear me, Curtis?? Mom?? You hear me??

Nerves of Steel & A Little Shame

Gage is asleep and Curtis went to help a friend with something, so I am home alone. And, that's a rare occasion. Of course, I COULD be folding laundry or something else productive. But, frankly, I don't feel like it. So, here I am.
Today was an interesting day. I went to DeSoto to see my parents and have lunch, and finally pick up my maternity pictures done by Shelley Nelson Photography last October. They've been ready since the week after I got them done, we've just been everywhere but there. She rocks. You should check out her work

Anyway, Gage slept the whole way there, which was nice. And, he was appropriately cute and adorable for my parents. But, he woke up on the car ride back home, and proceeded to scream. Yep, wouldn't stop. I had to finally pull over (after playing in-and-out of stop-and-go rush hour traffic) and go to Central Market in Dallas to get the baby out of the car for a while. I ended up getting some steaks for Curtis to grill (hey, he offered, and I will never ever ever turn down his offer to grill. The man could grill an iguana and it would taste good. I call him The Gril Master.) and I learned that I have no idea how to pick out a steak, let alone know what a certain type looks like. I had to throw myself on the mercy of the butcher who did nothing to hide his amusement at my ignorance. Good thing I was too annoyed with Gage to care.

So, I figure 25 minutes of being CARRIED AROUND LIKE A FOOTBALL IN MY ARMS WHILE PUSHING A CART at the grocery store would make him happy for the car ride home. Nope. He screamed. Then, while we are going approximately 25 MPH on the highway, I make a bottle and break my arm and dislocate my shoulder to shove it in Gage's mouth in the rear facing car seat. Note: this was not regular highway speed. This was rush hour traffic in Dallas. We never went above 35 while I was giving him the bottle. I think I've got this figured out. Well, about halfway through the bottle, he decides he's not happy either way. And, proceeds to scream.

Eventually, I break all driving rules and find a break in the HOV pickets and jump into the HOV lane to get some speed and get home faster. Well, guess what? The HOV doesn't open up again before my exit. And, I have to go two miles out of the way and make a U turn to come back down the service road. WHILE GAGE WAS SCREAMING. Yes, I screamed too. Gage is asleep. Thank you, Jesus. I now have nerves of steel.

And, in reference to my post about progress....well, let me say that after you have a child, avoid drama for 4 months. Resist the urge to repsond to COMPLETE STRANGERS who invade your life for no good reason. In fact, as a new mom, you should only focus on taking care of your new baby and taking care of yourself. Get enough rest. Don't have deep conversations or make any huge life decisions. Don't worry about the damn laundry or dishes. Order in or send your significant other for tacos. Don't let people who don't know you or have any respect for what you're accomplishing as the life source and provider for a new baby get to you. Avoid listening to people who don't matter. Don't worry about anything you don't really have to worry about.

Survival mode wore off at about 16 weeks for me. That's when I could look back at the first couple of months and see where I was and where I am. I didn't realize how much of am emotional situation I was going through until I was through it. I had some really dark moments. And, you don't think clearly, being sleep deprived and waiting for your body to heal from the hardest thing it will ever do. If you've never had a child, don't underestimate the changes endured by a woman who gives birth and then takes 24/7 care of that child she just delivered from her own body. Have some damn respect. It's hard as hell, and if you dare to spill drama into that woman's life, SHAME ON YOU! You might never know what it's like. Maybe that's why you're hateful. Maybe that's why you don't understand.

But, really, my advice: Protect yourself and your family as much as you can in those first weeks. Your life can't and won't go on as usual. Don't expect too much from yourself. You'll only disappoint. God, I wish I had been smarter. I wish I had known to do that.

Gage - Four Months Old

Dear Little Curtis:
Every month it seems like there's more and more that you do! I'm glad I waited to write you this month, because you've been pretty awesome since your 4 month birthday, and I want you to know it.

First of all, this month you've really turned into your own little person. That means you've been much more persistent with wanting what you want when you want it. Also, you're a huge flirt. Seriously, could you be more charming with the ladies? You crack me up. We went to Fellowship again last week, and it had been a while because we were visiting elsewhere, and there was snow, oh and the time we missed because we forgot about Daylight Savings, even though the news and everyone else in the world kept reminding us. Anyway, the lady in the nursery that took you said "Oh, Gage is my favorite, he's gotten so big since I saw him last." And, when we picked you up, all the nursery workers were saying how cute and charming you were being. Why do you think I married your dad? You got that from him.

Secondly, you have started laughing. Not just the little giggles we got before, but like full on toothless mouth wide open laughing. I sat you in your dad's lazy boy, and you were just so amused that you laughed the hardest we've ever seen or heard you laugh. Your little feet are constantly moving, and when you're impatient to be fed or picked up, you stomp your right foot. You've also figured out how to put your feet "just so" in the bouncer that you push and turn yourself nearly out of the seat. Yes, you're independent and stubborn. But, you're also a world class cuddle munch.

You have been sleeping in your big boy crib the past few nights. And by sleeping I mean you'll sleep in there until you wake up the first time. And, I am noticing a marked difference in how much you're waking up to eat at night. You're still waking up the same amount, but you're not trying to have a bottle until the morning. So, now, we just have to get you to go back to sleep on your own in the night. I won't lie, I love cuddling with you when you're sleeping. I know that will only last so long. You'll be "too big" too soon. And, then you won't let me kiss you when I drop you off at kindergarten. Or college.

You're so alert, but you always have been. And, very social. You tried cereal, banana, and prunes this month. Prunes were a horrible idea, since it looked like chocolate smeared on your face. It actually looked worse than chocolate, but this is a PG blog. You like to eat. So, the cereal was awesome. And, you smacked your lips on the banana mush. Just when we think you're going to drive us nuts, you bust out with these huge smiles. Your face is perpetually stuck in a open mouth, gummy smile most of the day. You hate a pacifier, but you love your fingers. You have found your thumb a few times, and I can see you sucking away at it for a few seconds every once in a while.

Today, we bought some bikes and a bike trailer for you. I know you'll love it. You're sleeping better at night. Eating more when you eat. I love you. Your dad loves you. I think I finally got the hang of this. Thank you for being so patient with us.

Love,
Mommy

less and less

I swear, this kid needs me less and less. And, I am totally ok with that. He is so good at playing and entertaining himself. Don't judge me. I spend a lot of time all up in his face playing and reading and singing and generally being silly. But, thank God I can set him down to cook dinner, wash some dishes, or post a blog. He's also great in public. Really, he should be more worried about me embarassing him in public than vice versa. He's so alert and charming.

RANDOM: I have definitely made it through the rain (thank you Barry Manilow, the love of my childhood life ((and thanks mom for introducing me to him)) for all the inspiration). Another blog I've been debating on sharing, and I think I have finally edited it enough in my mind that I can share it without monetizing the drama. I hate giving credence to something. I hate allowing something worthless any moments of thought in my life. But, it's going to be more about progress than the past.

Gage is a talker. And, he's so dramatic. Don't know where that all comes from! Tonight, he will be sleeping in his own room in his crib. I've been letting him play a bit in there from time to time, to develop a positive connotation with the crib. he loves his room anyway. You can leave him on the floor on a blanket and he will just kick and giggle like some one is entertaining him. Not that I do that. Of course, because I am a perfect mother who never has to leave her child in another room for a 10 minute pep talk about how it will NOT help to sell him to Jennifer for $4.50. But I digress. He's about outgrown his bassinet, as well as his welcome in our room. :) How did I make this decision? He kicked his little legs so much that he uprooted the mattress in the bassinet. Big boys sleep in big beds! Also, I cuddled up to Curtis last night and it occurred to me that Gage sleeping in our room affects the pillow talk time. And, you know what I mean (MIND OUT OF GUTTER!). It's those last few moments before sleep where you talk about whatever. We usually end up giggling too loud, and Gage grunts and we have to "shhhhhhhhhh!".

Like it says on the homepage...Motherhood is the only job you can suck at for the first 90 days, and not get fired. ALSO: You can't quit. Think about this before you make the sexy time kids! Gage would be happy to scream in an enclosed space with you for an hour if you need a bit more serious warning.

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy FAMILY!

I just have to tell you, our son is OUT OF CONTROL with personality. If you know me, then you know I have always been a bit over the top. Curtis likes to say "What's the deal? I'm at a 2, and you're at a 10." And, Curtis usually is at a 2, unless you catch him letting loose. Then, well, the total in our house quickly approaches 2,374,987,436. Add Gage into the mix, and the universe tilts a little more to the left. This kid doesn't stop. He doesn't have a "low" setting. He's maxed out, or he's asleep. And, the transition isn't always smooth. He use to fall asleep with a bottle and burp and go to sleep. Then it got where I might have to rock him a little but he goes to sleep. Now, he's a sweaty, swearing mess when I try to put him to sleep.
Enter: sleep training. Healthy sleep habits, happy child: a step-by-step program for a good night's ... By Marc Weissbluth
I was wondering when a good time to allow him to put himself to sleep would be, and that time has officially arrived. It's been working at night for bedtime. He might fuss for no more than 20 minutes and then he's out. Nap time hasn't been so easy. Who knows what words are coming out of his mouth, but he's letting us know he is NOT interested in a nap, even though he couldn't need one more. So, we're practicing sleep training for naptime now.
What do I mean by sleep training? I mean, you look and listen for the cues your child gives that say they're tired, and you lay them down for sleep before they get out of control. You can rock and soothe as much or as little as necessary. We practice Extinction. Meaning, I usually give Gage a bedtime bottle, and if he falls asleep, great. If not, we cuddle a little, and then he gets in his bassinet no later than 7pm. He might fuss for a while, but he understands its bedtime. You can expect that a child less than 3 months won't be able to self soothe. And, not all kids learn at the same time. Sleep training helps them learn to self soothe. He sucks on his fingers and kicks his little legs until he's asleep. It's worth letting him learn to self soothe and maybe cry for half an hour (protest crying, not hysterical tears. its more like squawking), knowing he will sleep and get the nap he needs for healthy development. There are set backs. Like sickness or teething. Or vacations. But, sleep train your baby, and as a toddler, elementary schooler, and teenager your kid will go to sleep well. Kids need sleep! The crazy screamers at the grocery store.....they need a nap. Or more night time sleep. Sleep depravation is a form of war torture. Don't rob your kids of the sleep they need. Everyone suffers. Including the brain development. Children who are well rested are better in social situations, as well as being able to be imaginitive and play by themselves. They can entertain themselves, and can be expected to be fun and charming to be around. Gage is a charmismatic lady killer when he's well rested. He is a beating when he's tired. I'm like, this is like a spanking to me. Don't misread that...I feel like I'm being beaten when he's super tired and cranky. Not that he is being beaten. LOL.
I think how full my life is, and I can't see it happening any other way. Curtis is not like any other man I've ever known. That's one of the reasons I married him (besides the obvious fact that he's devastatingly handsome and amazing). Our son is this crazy mix of us both. I mean, Gage looks like Curtis spawned him all by himself, but the personality...oh man. Gage is one in a skillion. (thats a 1 followed by 37 zeroes)

Hate-Filled Rant

Today, I will rant about the bullcrap!

TXU - You suck. Because you send us ridiculously high bills, and there is NO WAY possible they are correct. And, a special thanks for hiring people who clearly do not use English as their first language. I know her name was not really Mary. How did our bills go from two or three hundred to five or six hundred? You're not sure? Oh, I bet you can send someone out here to look at that cheap old meter on the building and tell me why it's spinning out of control when we have NOTHING TURNED ON IN THE WHOLE HOUSE!!! If I wanted to pay as much in electricity as we do for Curtis's truck payment we financed for 4 years, then I would let you know I like to throw money away. But seriously, we are breaking up soon. You're just not good for me. You don't belong in my world...oh wait, I've been watching New Moon. You are overpriced and your customer service dept is a joke. Hire some people in AMERICA. You know, that place where all your customers live. The place with like 10% unemployment. I bet plenty of people whose first language is ENGLISH (or whom at the very least can speak it like a human being, not a ROBOT READING FROM A SCRIPT!!!!) would like a job helping their fellow americans. TXU, you can kiss it.

Prosperity Bank - I use to think it was cute that you were so small. Not like Bank Of America where they have so many customers, they could take over the world. I use to like that everyone knows our name and holds our baby when we come in. But, when my new debit card comes in the mail, and I have to drive to the branch to get it activated, I find it annoying. And, then when I tried to activate it at the ATM, it said too many PIN tries. And it would take 24 hours to reset. WHAT?!?!? Because I don't have ANYTHING to do for the next 24 hours, like grocery shop or get gas. How annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe if you had a closer branch, I wouldn't mind stopping in and getting some cash, but I don't know if I have the gas to drive there. Sheesh. You are the bane of my existence. Today. But, I still hate you less than TXU.

Oh, and TEETHING! Yes, you, the one with the gummy pain in my baby's mouth, you're about to hear from me really soon. So, watch out!

To The Love of My Life

Curtis and I have had a crazy rollercoaster ride in the short time we've been together. Some people are together 10 years before they deal with as much as we have, it seems. When I look back at the 27 months we've had together, it seems such a small amount of time compared to the life we lived before each other. We met, and he likes to say that we are still on our first date. We've gome through crazy drama (why do people from the past pop up for no good reason?), we've gone through sickness, broken bones, family tears, losing jobs, getting jobs, pregnancy, and the first three months of parenthood together. Sometimes, when we argue, it's easy to think we've had so few pleasant, fun, easy-going memories. It feels like a rat race.
I will admit the strife in our relationship stems partially from the decision we made to live together before we were married. It just sort of happened, after he broke his leg. I was there taking care of him 24/7 the first few weeks since he wasnt allowed to walk on his foot after the surgery he had to have to repair the broken bones. And, when the time came for me to transition on to finding my own place, we made the decision to stay in the situation we were in. I know it caused us much more pain than God wanted for us. So, once we were able to get married, we did so very quickly to be obedient to God's will. We still reaped some of the fruit of that decision immediately after our wedding. But, when we prayed about starting a family, God blessed us very quickly with an answer in the form of Gage!
I can say that I have watched Curtis grow into a man that I dreamed of. I have seen him change. I have watched him become a father, the sole provider for our family, a man who carries his worries silently & prayerfully. There's so much that goes on inside my husband that I can easily miss if I am not intently observing. He's not a man who will speak unless he is sure of his words. He doesn't fill the air with empty things. He keeps things to himself, and sometimes I have to drag it out of him. But, he has such a tender, loving heart. I know he keeps it hidden away to keep from getting hurt. He's wise, he's funny. He looks at the world in a way I don't. He has a relationship with his Heavenly Father that I can never have. I am envious of the depth of his experience of God's grace & forgiveness. He's a man who was changed from old into new, and it was a beautiful transformation. I feel so petty and irreverent at times with the things I struggle with, knowing how God has brought him through a lot of hard times. Not that the Lord hasn't done great things in my life, but it seems like Curtis has this knowledge of God's love that I miss out on in the familiarity of my 20 year Christian faith walk. I become hard hearted to the things God does every day. Curtis has an appreciation for all things great and small.
He is a loving father and husband. He may be rough in a way, being very much a man, but he loves so passionately and faithfully. I've never felt more safe, more loved, more sacrificed for. He's not perfect. He's just perfect for me. Someone once asked me if I felt like Curtis was the answer to my prayers for a husband, and I will say that Curtis isn't exactly what I prayed for. And, I am SO thankful that he's the man God picked for me, not the one I naively thought I needed. It's simply that God brought me a husband who is exactly what I needed, because my Heavenly Father knows me more than I know myself. I feel like Curtis was hand picked and delivered to me. I never would've thought I would be with a man like him. He's the only man that I can't steamroll. He stands up and demands that he is the leader of this family, and he lovingly allows me to voice my opinions. He puts me in my place when I need it, and he always loves me through my growing pains. We've hit more than a few bumps in the road due to the 8 1/2 year age difference between us. I am thankful for a husband with enough experience in life to know when to relax and let things go. I struggle with that on a daily basis. He's taught me that there's so much more to life than the things I tend to worry about. And, I have taught him to be a little more gentle. Curtis and I complement each other in a way that is beyond a ridiculous description of words. I could never be with anyone else. And, just last night, Curtis looked at me and said, "I don't think any woman has ever loved me as much as you do. You're the love of my life."

Gage: Three Months Old

Dude, you're three months old now. You've been sick this past week, and it was your first time being stuffy and congested. Guess what? You don't like not being able to breathe. I feel ya.
This month, you have rolled over from front to back, and back to front. You are trying to sit up when I lay you down to sleep, because you'd rather be awake. You laugh, you smile, you flirt. You are starting to look more like a little boy and less like a baby. You started going to Mothers Day Out, and you seem to do well. I know it's good for our relationship to have a small break from each other like that. You've started putting your heels down and pushing yourself across the floor on your back. You like to push your feet against me when I am changing your diaper.
I have felt like I've failed you a few times this month. I think the exhaustion has finally caught up with me. Your daddy has really stepped in to do more things with you, now that you're a bit more fun. Between you and me, I think he just wasn't really sure what he was suppose to do, and it took him a couple of months to get the hang of things. You never cry when he holds you. Unless you're impatient for a bottle. You are starting to fill out all the cute little boy clothes we have for you. You sat in your ExerSaucer and played for the first time this past weekend. You were hanging on, pushing the buttons and making the music play.
I know I've been tired, more tired than usual. I think it's made me grumpier sometimes, and I haven't been as patient as possible. But, you always wake up smiling and happy and you don't act like you remember when I've been less than attentive. It's so wonderful to be loved by someone that I regularly disappoint. You're quite the wonderful charmer. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. I can't wait to see all the new things you'll learn this next month. It's such a joy to watch you grow.
Love, Mommy

What We're Not Telling You

I recently have had one of the toughest weeks of my life. Sick husband causes sick baby causes sick Me. I have never had to take care of someone else who doesn't feel good, while I feel like death warmed over. It sucks. Add this to life's general crap, and, well, it makes for a great story about how I can be a horrible mother some days. My body is not capable of complete rest at this stage in life. Knowing that Gage relies upon us as his parents to take care of him challenges us each in different ways. Curtis has the entire financial burden of providing for us. Thankfully, he works incredibly hard, and God always provides for us in abundance. But, still, it's exhausting. I feel the pressure of being constantly on call for booger retrieving, butt wiping, bottle mixing, and barf cleaning. And, I still have to manage to play with and smile at our son. Some days, as in this past week, that's been harder than ever. Nothing like the gentle reminder of a screaming infant to cause me to remember to take my birth control!
Not everyone realizes the affect a constantly needy person has on your marriage. We fall into bed exhausted and I am wondering if we even looked each other in the eye and said I love you with our full attention some days. It's a good thing that we have learned to make the most of our time together. Finally the weather is allowing some walks with Gage in the stroller. Gage has been going to bed around 7pm (before he was freaking out about the whole not being able to breathe due to his congested head) and there's that wonderful thing called Mother's Day Out. He went back today. And, thank God! I was completely at my wit's end. I remember yelling (yes, I yelled) at him at some point "I know you don't feel good, but mommy doesn't either!" And, this morning, I was just begging God that Gage would be ok enough to go to daycare, because I needed a nap and a break from him and his not feeling good.
The doctor said "No fever, just a freaking head cold. No Tylenol, please. It will work itself out." And I replied in my mind "Ok, will you please prescribe me some sedatives for my own sanity??" I swear, this is how people go crazy. Sleep depravation is used as a form of torture in POW camps. I am totally down with losing some sleep for my sick kid, but being sick myself has been a kick in the head. Again, adding that to the general drama that comes with life, I can see why those rich wives, and desperate middle class moms load up on the pills. Thank God I don't have any prescriptions available. They might have proved too tempting this week.
Don't let me forget to give credit to Curtis for helping as much as he can. Of course, he was sick and didn't feel 100% until Tuesday. By that time, Gage was already getting sick, and I was a close 3rd place. And, no one can ever pretend to understand a mother's responsibility. So don't try. Don't dumb it down. Don't you dare take away our credit. To every mom who does this life sober!
Another thing about how disappointed I am with this body hiding under my clothes these days. I might have lost the weight, but it's not the same. Maybe a tan and some more lunges. I know, time heals all wounds. Even the ones left by carrying a child around INSIDE your size 2 body for 9 months. Hello size 4, please tell me you're only here for a short stay. Oh, and abs, I know you're in there, and I WILL FIND YOU AND DRAG YOU INTO THE SUNSHINE, so help me!!
Gage finally caught up on his sleep with a 4 hour nap this afternoon. There IS A GOD! Motherhood and death row will drive a person to the Lord. I thought I was going to do pretty well with the loss of sleep, because I have always LOVED a good nap, but I can go without much sleep for ridiculously long periods of time. Before I met Curtis, I was working full time teaching Group Exercise at a few different places. I woke up every morning to be at the gym by 5am to start the day with a 5:30am class. I taught 2 more classes every week day morning, and afternoon/evening classes a few times a week as a fill in when needed. I woke up every Saturday for 3 years to teach a class at 8 or 8:30. I went through a rough patch where I was also staying out late, occasionally drinking too much, and staying overnight with friends. And, I still got up and did the gym thing. This was only 3 years ago. And, now, I have this small child, and I can barely keep it together. Maybe it's because I am not being paid for this sleep depravation! I am aware that I am investing in the future of a human being. I am also aware that I like to sleep when I feel like it. I was OK until the germs attacked me. They must have attacked my ability to stay sane as well.
So, what are we not telling you? Mothers aren't telling you how freaking hard this is sometimes. How much we cry, how frustrated and sometimes angry we get. How guilty we feel for not loving every minute of it. The horrible things that come to mind at 3am when you have to get up once again to take care of pooping and feeding and burping. Being tired, in the middle of the night, I think things that I would never imagine during my normal wakefulness. My exhausted mind allows me to consider never having more kids. Wishing this one would hurry up and just grow up already. Thinking how nice it would be to drop him off, go to Starbucks with a book and my iPod and not come back until I am good and ready. That could be several, several hours. Maybe 24 in a row! I dream of him being the age when you can drop your kids off for the whole weekend with a friend or family member and do our own thing. 24 hours without any crying. Oh verbal communication, I never realized how much I loved you. Gage will be learning sign language ASAP so he can communicate with me about simple things before he can really talk to me. It's like being ignored, and then forced to play a guessing game when he wants something. That's what no one is telling you. How much this sucks.
We aren't telling you how it feels to finally soothe a sad baby. How proud we are when they do something new. When you see the light bulb go off in their head. When you think they are finally catching on to something. When they smile for you. When they kicked and kicked inside your belly, and you knew you would never be alone again. You'd always have this little person who would grow into a big person, who would make you something you couldn't be without them. A mother.
I look forward to that little blonde boy bringing me weeds he calls flowers, and tracking mud into the living room. I look forward to messy hugs and sloppy kisses. This thing, motherhood, it has very few immediate returns. You can't be selfish. You can't do this and maintain some sense of detachment. You're all in it, and you can't get away from it. Even the ones that leave. You can't ever stop being a mother. We aren't telling you how it feels to invest in someone and just hope and pray they turn out completely different from yourself. Because you know how terrible of a person you can be sometimes. You give, literally, of your own body to bring this person here, and no one will ever make you angrier, happier, more sad, or more proud.