In Retrospect

Last week someone asked me if I had struggled with Post Partum Depression with Gage. It gave me pause, because at the time, I don't think I knew which way was up. At the time, I just knew I was merely surviving some days, and crying all days. At the time, I knew that I loved Gage and wanted to be the best mommy possible, but when I had a moment to myself, I felt like I might not get through to the next moment when he needed me.

I had read Heather Armstrong's very open blog about her deep struggle with PPD after her first daughter, and I knew I wasn't as bad off as she had been. I knew she had decided to check herself in for a weekend to the psychiatric ward at the hospital because she knew that's what was best for her family at the time. So, to keep it in perspective, I wasn't ready to seek professional help. But, maybe I could have benefitted from that.

I think my dark moments were more often than I wanted to admit. I believe so strongly that God delivers us from all our demons. I also believe that there are people who may need prescriptions to balance chemical deficiencies. For me, I have had about 4 seasons of emotional depression over the last 10 to 15 years. These were times as a teenager, and young adult/college student that I was dealing with things that mentally overwhelmed me for specific periods of time. It may have been a couple of months, it may have lasted longer. Some times it was just a few bad days, and I was fortunate enough to pull out of it.

I attribute these times to being extremely emotionally sensitive. Not that I easily get my feeings hurt, but that I've always been in very close touch with my emotions and have always been able to share them easily and fairly eloquently. I'm an open book most of the time, and I can rarely hold my tongue when it comes to sharing how I feel. (Curtis refers to this as me being opinionated sometimes. :oP)

Anyway, I was just a mess of emotion and hormones, as all women are after giving birth. I think to myself, we go through 9 months of carrying a child, give birth to them in a matter of hours, and then have to take care of that newborn immediately after. There are not a long of things that are as physically demanding as childbirth. Not to mention the hormone levels that slowly built for 9 months all come crashing down in about 3 days. So, you've done something physically exhausting, you're overwhelmed with love for this new child in your arms, and then you get home and all hell breaks lose.

We had a rough first night home because Gage had his circumcision that morning. I technically only stayed one night in Recovery because I had him so late Tuesday night that I was moved to a recovery room around 3am Wednesday morning. I stayed Wednesday night again, and by Thursday, I just wanted to go home! I had been at the hospital since Monday around lunch time. That night, Gage didn't sleep. His little package hurt, and I had no idea what to do. Curtis could only suggest keeping his diaper dry at all times because it probably stings to have a wet diaper on his surgery. I just wanted to get back in the car and go to the hospital and ask for help! Looking back, I should've stayed another night. But, how was I suppose to know? The nights did get better, and thankfully, newborns sleep whenever and where ever. So, I did my best to sleep when he did.

But, it was the times when I left the apartment alone to run to Walmart, or where ever for a few brief moments that the darkness hit me. I would think, "if I drove my car off a bridge right now, everyone would be ok. I have life insurance to pay for Gage's college, and Curtis would have a lot of help from our families to raise Gage." I could make it make sense to give myself a break. Being so exhausted drove me to think crazier things than I would ever dream of in my normal wakefulness. I resented everything for a while.

And, then, one day, it was like the fog left. About 14 weeks after I had Gage, life made sense again. It was almost immediate. I don't know if it was Curtis's prayers for me. I know he didn't know what was wrong, but that I wasn't happy. I know he did what he knew to do: pray for me. I don't know if it was just that my body and mind finally came together back to my normal self. There were a few factors that I've mentioned before that made things worse for me during an already difficult time. People who I've never even met trashing my peace of mind. A lack of preparedness for the emotional roller coaster. A husband who didn't understand what I was going through, because I didn't know what I was going through. That falls under not being prepared. Again, how could I have known?

But, that's how it was before. And, I know that looking back, I could've asked for more help. Shared my struggles with my doctor. I don't know how close to the edge I came, but I am so thankful to be back from it. Hind sight is 20/20, and I don't think that I knew how hard of a time I was having, or that maybe I could've used support in a different way. All I know, is that by the grace of God, and with Curtis doing everything he could during a time that was incredibly hard for him as well, we made it.

A few weeks ago I was having lunch with my sister in law and a friend who is expecting her first child. We were joking about our kids, and my sister who has three teenagers at her house said "kids are great until they're about fifteen". And, I added "and they're great after about the first 15 weeks!"

Bottom line, in retrospect, yes, I think I did struggle with some Post Partum Depression. And, going forward, I will make some different choices and plans for the next time I have a baby.

3 Days

We have been at home for 3 days. I mean relatively at home. But, 3 days in a row is unusual, and has thrown off the schedule and routine. More, it's thrown me off my routine with just me and Gage. But, it's been SO NICE to share Gage's needs with Curtis all day. So, I don't have to rush in the shower, I can cook a more elaborate dinner, I can go grocery shopping ALONE. I might be getting spoiled. But, also keep in mind, I missed Gage so much on Monday, and we haven't really had any Mommy & Me time alone this week. That kid is awesome. He's such a blessing and a joy. He loves to roll around the floor and giggle at the dogs.

Truck update: they called us at 7:45 this morning when the owner got there and saw Curtis's truck in the parking lot. Yeah, BECAUSE WE HAD TO HAVE IT TOWED, YOU JERKS. Surprise! You didn't fix it. Cool. We are already regretting that we took it to them, because we could have paid $400 more locally, and had it done in ONE DAY. 3 missed days of work, and probably tomorrow as well. Nothing like an unpaid vacation to annoy you. Thank the Lord that He always provides for our needs. One way or another. And, I won't go off about the truck thing until it's complete. THEN, I will smear their good name in this blog.

Contains Explicit Lyrics

Oh good Lord! Where to start? Um, how about with a weekend worrying about Curtis's transmission needing replaced. And, so on Monday we were calling around to find a place to take it to have it fixed. And by fixed, I mean a completely new transmission, or at least the rebuilding of one. So, he takes it to Greenville to have it worked on. They quoted us about $400 less than local places, so it was worth the drive. Plus, it's right around the corner from my in-laws.

Anyway, he drops it off Monday afternoon, and they say they hope to have it done by Wednesday morning. So, at least one full day and probably half a day of missed work. And, then we call this morning and are told "call us after 1 and we will see where we are at. hopefully it will be done by the end of the day). So, around noon we head out to my in-laws to hang out and hope it's done soon.

At 1:30 they say they're putting it back in, and will call us when they're done. We call back at 4. It's not ready. "Call back around 5:15" they say. We call, and they finally say it's ready. That makes two full days of missed work. So, we pack up, get in the car, and go pay for the repairs. Curtis stops to get gas, and then we get on the highway at nearly 6 o'clock.

Let me remind you that we are toting our five month old son along. He slept on the way there, and he tried to take a nap in the afternoon, but it just didn't happen. And, he cried the entire drive home. In Rowlett, I had to stop and get out with Gage at CVS to walk around and get a break from the crying. He was just sooo tired, and I know he missed being home. He's been away from home a lot lately. We walked around, and I had called Curtis and told him to go ahead and go home because it's been such a long day. Curtis had pulled over to wait for us, and when he tried to put his truck in gear, it wouldn't switch into any gear except for Reverse. Bastards!

So, then its already AFTER 7, and we have to call a tow truck to tow from Firewheel back to Greenville. The transmission place will be getting THAT bill. They're also not ansering any calls. Not even a place to leave a message. Which is probably good because Gage did not need to hear the things I wanted to say to them. ALSO: we were suppose to be going to dinner for our good friend Jason's birthday around the corner at 7, and we totally had to miss it. And, we felt like shitheads. And, I have no intention of cooking dinner, so beers it is! Add a lime for a fruit serving!

Gage went to bed at 8. Poor kid. He was just happy to be home with his Exersaucer and some cartoons while he had his bottle. Too bad I finished that bottle of wine on Monday. Note, tomorrow is another day of missed work, and Curtis and I haven't spent time much time together in a while. Please bring me a beer. Ok, I haven't even had one beer. Blogging is my cheap relaxation. Which shows how horrible Monday was that I had TWO glases of wine and half a beer before 9pm.

My eye is starting to twitch. I think I am going to eat some cereal or maybe some ramen noodles and stare into space while I try and forget today.

Tomorrow, we go back to Greenville to get the damn truck. And the $150 we paid for towing. Mother Truckers!!

First Day Back as a Working Girl

First of all, yes, I know that sounds like I am working on a street corner. Second of all, if I was boring, even LESS than the 3 people who read this would take the time to read it.

I am sitting here, anxiously waiting for Miranda to bring Gage to me. She offered to bring him home from her house, since I worked AN HOUR AND A HALF after I planned.
Thank the Lord Gage was with her, instead of some uncaring, unfeeling daycare who would charge me for picking him up past the scheduled time. Curtis was busy getting his truck to Greenville to have the transmission replaced. Yes, the transmission. Let me remind you, he had the rear end axle replaced last month. Well, the end of March.

(fast forward 3 hours later)
My mom just called to see how my first day at work went. My response: "Let me preface this conversation by saying that I've already had two glasses of wine." She said "That bad, huh?"
(and I am working on my first Corona now that Gage is asleep)
Hell yes, it was not great. I got up at 6am, Gage slept til 7am. So, I had time to get ready and all that. Then I put him in his Exersaucer with cartoons on Nick Jr. for 30 minutes until he was ready for a bottle, and we left at 7:45 to head to Miranda's to drop off my precious baby. I love that she is watching him. I don't love that it takes me an hour to get him to Miranda's and then to work.

Today, I get to work on time. I know that I am going to ride with one of the drivers today so that I can get a feel for what they really need to know when I take a call from a customer. It wasn't bad, riding with Driver. He was my dad's age, a Christian. Very helpful with teaching me. I learned the Nextel, and I even picked up and delivered some packages. So, I was a true life Courier today. I remember around 1:50, when we had just dropped a package in Grand Prairie, that my work day wouldn't end at 2pm today. And, by 2:15 I want to cry because it's not going how I expected, and I miss Gage like crazy.

I get off work at 3:30pm, see Gage around 4:30pm, and then immediately go to get Curtis's birthday cake (a few days late b/c it requires some handiwork). We fight traffic from Addison to Plano while Gage complains from his car seat. And, then we get home, get a bottle, and head back out to Walmart to get diapers and formula.

(Two Days Later...)
The wine slowed me down too much to finish writing Monday night, and then Tuesday evening our internet was being crazy. So, I am FINALLY BLOGGING about it.

Well, it's 9:20 in the morning on Wednesday, and I am NOT at work. Monday evening, I was doing a lot of wine induced thinking, and I decided that the sacrifice of not seeing Gage all day, even though it's a part time job was too much. An hour in the car each day with him is wasted. He LOVES his aunt Miranda. That boy is such a traitor. :) He was completely happy with being with her, and I loved that he was with someone that I love too. I can't explain the feeling of knowing you left your child with someone who will take better care of him than you do. I always feel that way when we drop him off with family members. But, I missed that baby.

Work went like this: I get there, they give me a uniform polo shirt to wear while I ride along with Driver. He has an old white van - it helps him make better money because he can carry heavier, bigger cargo. We go to Addison, Dallas, Arlington, Grand Prairie, and then he drops me off at the office on his way to McKinney. That job sucks!

Now, I am suppose to be learning this stuff so I can work in the office. But, I can't get past the lack of communication about how long my day might be that first day, and the fact that I miss Gage like CRAZY!!! So, I decide after one day, that I can't and won't do this.

I thought I needed a break from the baby, but it made me realize that I don't. Not like that. Miranda is going to watch him now and then to give me a break. Just like any awesome sister in law would do - (my other local sister in law takes her turns happily!) and I am blessed. If I had gone back to work around the 3 month mark, when I was so emotionally drained and starting to feel resentful about being home, then I bet I would never have known what it's like to miss Gage like I did. And, his adorable giggles and squeals of delight would have gone mostly unseen by me. I would have unknowingly robbed myself of what I have discovered to be one of the biggest blessings in life. Now, if you're not able to stay home with your babies, I am not saying you're a bad mother. I realize each day how truly blessed I am to be at home.

I also have to share this story. Yesterday, I took Gage to Miranda's house while we steam cleaned our carpets. He's been all over the place lately, and we want to make sure when rolls off the play mat and he puts his face on the carpet, it's as clean as it can be. Well, when I went to pick him up, there was a rogue chicken running around in their front yard (they don't live in the city limits). Her daughter threw out some corn chips and it came over. I crouched down with Gage so he could watch the chicken, and after a couple of minutes, I started making chicken sounds in his ear. He LAUGHED HYSTERICALLY. The hardest I have ever seen or heard. I called Curtis so he could hear over the phone. I love that kid.

Working for just one day made me appreciate what I have. And, I am secretly glad I christened the ladies room before I left for the day. (sorry to those of you who like to pretend not everyone poops!)

Gage: Five Months Old

Dear Monkey Toes,
I cannot even believe that I am already writing your five month letter. You are totally a little person now. There are so many things you have done this month. Your capacity for development grows each month as you grow. You are ALL OVER THE PLACE now. I have started putting you down on the floor on a large blanket and let you roll around and kick and giggle. Oh, and you love it. You laugh so hard. You are so happy, and you're so independent too! You've found your voice in the past week of this month. You scream for the heck of it now. Today, in fact, I was rocking you to sleep for your early morning nap, and you squealed a terrible, ear piercing high pitched squeal and surprised yourself and me! It makes me laugh when you get crazy. And, you laugh at everything. You roll all over the floor, you giggle at the dogs, you chuckle at your dad, you appreciate my completely insane dancing and singing. You've tasted a few new things this month. You've tasted BBQ sauce, mashed potatoes, cinnamon roll icing, a chip, a pickle, a frency fry, a slurpee from QT, water, lime juice, and one bbq baked bean.
You have started blowing bubbles and making "zerberts" on my arm or face if you get your mouth closed around something. You grab our faces and give us slimey, open- mouthed kissies.
You have been going to Mother's Day Out since February. This past week was your last week there. Mommy is going back to work part time, and Aunt Miranda is going to watch you for a few hours each day. And, yes, we are paying her. No one should have to watch a kid not their own for free. Even if they're as awesome as you are. :) I don't know how it will all work out, but it's a trial run. I am planning on pushing back your bedtime a little bit (right now you've been going to bed at 7pm) to see if you will sleep in a bit in the morning so we can get out the door before you get tired and grumpy again. I am hoping to do this for a few months, and then maybe when they want to hire someone full time, I will leave there and go back to teaching classes at the gym. Your teachers were sad you were leaving school.
Tomorrow is my first real mother's day. You were in my tummy, still walnut sized, last mother's day. I did celebrate last year. Your dad got me some perfume and good stuff like that. But, this is the real deal. I will always be reminded that you've made me something I could never have been without you...a Mom. I am spending the day with you, and I can't believe how blessed I am to have you. You've changed my life and turned my world upside down. I see so many other women who want to be mommies, and they can't. How did I get so lucky? Because I know I will always fail you on occasion. I want to do what's best for you each and every day. I base my decisions on your meal and naptimes. I would rather go shopping for clothes and toys to make you smile than buy new shoes for myself. You've challenged my selfish nature and made me realize what's important in life. You filled up all the empty places I had left with your smile. I didn't think I could be happier and so much in love after I met your dad and got married to him. I didn't think any man would ever steal my heart again. But, you have increased my ability to love, to serve, and to give. I felt like my life was complete when I married your daddy. And, then you came along and showed us what we were missing. Now that you're here, we could never be the same. You made us parents, and you made us a family.
You've accomplished so much this month. You've accomplished more in 5 months than most people have in their whole lives. Because God took these two imperfect people and made them parents. A mommy and daddy for YOU.
I am so filled with delight to watch you learn and grow. You get really focused on something, and I can just see the wheels turning in your head as you figure out the world around you. You will furrow your little brow and concentrate hard at something new, and then smile. When you're laying on your tummy and you start to get mad because you're tired of it, you will pull your knees up under you, straighten one arm, and then topple over to your back. I think you're going to be crawling in the next couple of months. You're strong. And plenty of people have commented on it. It's not just my biased opinion. You were lifting your head as soon as you came out of my belly, so I think you were a step or two ahead on the physical development!
Gage, you're the best kid we could have ever hoped for. We love you so much. Happy Five Months of life!
Love, Mommy

What You Don't Understand 'Til You Have Kids

OH, today was crazy. We had, I am not kidding, back to back phone calls for our business, when it's hardly been busy lately. I wonder if it's the new ad that hit Superpages.com this month, coupled with everyone getting their tax return. But, it was busy, busy. Hugely awesome too. I've been arranging things all day.

Anyway, add to this the fact that Gage missed his morning nap, and then a second run for an afternoon nap that was interrupted by a MORON who cannot follow directions, and knocked on the front door, when he was told not to knock, "the baby is sleeping". (run on sentence, yes? judge me not) So, Moron knocks, and dogs bark and baby wakes up. Thank you, Moron. No afternoon nap.

So, now Gage is taking a nap, yes a NAP AT 5:30PM because what else should I do? He's out of control tired. This kid who's been sleeping 3 extra hours in the day for naps lately, got NO NAP. I'd be pissed too. I reckon he sleeps until 6:30 or 7 and then I wrestle him down at 9pm for bed. Thrown off schedule, but sleep prevails. I would rather have a crazy schedule tonight than a cranky baby. Because Gage is the product of Curtis and myself. We are not nice when we're tired, we are hateful when we haven't eaten. Combo = insanely moody baby when he's tired AND hungry.

What I never realized is how sacred the naptime quietness is. No, I don't think you should keep complete silence when your kids are napping, but it's nice to not have the trash man picking up garbage from the curb, or the UPS man delivering packages to your front door during this time. And, guess what? YOU WILL NEVER BE QUIET ENOUGH FOR ME! I am the naptime Nazi. If you're loud, I will melt you with my laser stare. Or say unkind things in a loud whisper. And, I might forget the baby monitor is on, and say things I wouldn't say to your face when I go get the crying baby from his crib after you wake him up. And, I won't feel too bad about it.

A few other things:
-If I haven't had a chance to shower, but my kid is dressed and clean and fed and happy and ready to go to the store, I will be there shopping, with my unshaven legs and ponytail and an extra application of deoderant.
-If I have beer and diapers in my cart, don't assume a 12 pack of MGD is for me. At least I am not taking my Prozac with it. Besides, I only drink Corona with a lime, and my husband usually picks it up on a Friday night. :) (and, I don't really take Prozac, not to judge anyone who does take it, either!)
-I may need parenting advice, but I will be damn sure to ASK SOMEONE WHO'S OPINION I WANT when I do. Keep it to yourself. You aren't my kids mom, and everyone raises their kids differently.
-I am fiercely protective. I use to think moms who were crazy about their kids all the time were just that; Crazy. But, it's the Mama Bear in us. If I think anything or anyone is threatening my family in any way, I WILL go psycho on you.
-If I can't find my keys, and forget to pay the cell phone bill on its due date, then that's a good week for me. I've never been so "abentminded". It's really that when you become a parent, your mind is filled with your kids and their needs, and you may forget to shave your arm pits or brush your teeth every once in a while.
-Breakfast can be whatever it needs to be. For yourself, and for your kids. And, I will drink only coffee until dinner if I am too busy for lunch as well!
-My house will rarely be spotless if you "Drop by" (just don't knock on my door if the "baby is sleeping" sign is on it!). I care more about germs than clutter anyway.
-Don't judge a mom with happy children. My goal at the end of each day is simply that Gage is well taken care of, and my husband is happy. The end justifies the means.
-Don't forget the moms in your life. It's a hard job; it's the best job I've ever had. (Except for when 24 Hour Fitness PAID ME $23/hr to teach TurboKick. That job rocked too!)

Thought DUMP!

Wow. I've got a lot on my mind, and a lot to do before I pick up Gage from MDO at 2. So, I really needed to just spill my thoughts here so I can focus on the cleaning and the projects I have planned for today.

Where to start? Um, Tuesday night we went to my in-laws and had burgers on the grill. My brother in law and his wife were there too. It's always fun with family because everyone wants a turn with Gage, and he's so social he loves it. Plus, it gets him out of my hands for a bit. I think he needs a break from me sometimes. Like, I'm just mommy, not too exciting. He gets all wiggly when I take him somewhere.

Yesterday, we went to MOPS group and then all the mommies stayed and fed their kids lunch and Gage and I hung out and talked and he played on the floor with some other babies and I got to have adult conversation with other moms who have infants. Then, we all went to the park around the corner, and played for an hour or so. Again, the three littlest ones, including Gage, sat and played in the grass while the mommies supervised and talked. Here's a big shock: this is the first time I have ever gone to the park on a playdate. I've always thought Gage was too young to care. Oh, well, he cares now. Mr. Social is just like his parents. He thrives in a social setting. He loves seeing things and watching the other kids play on the playground. He's not a baby anymore it seems. It was one of the best days I've had as a mom.

Then, last night, he went to bed around 7:45pm and I heard some sounds around 10:30 but I waited it out, and he went back to sleep....until 4:45am. I flew out of bed around 4:20 when I woke up to realize he hadn't woken up! I ran in and slowly peeked in his crib...he was sleeping on his tummy. Little boy can roll around and get comfortable now. Stop with the growing up, Gage!!!!

Tuesday night on the way home, Curtis got a phone call from a previous co-worker/friend who helps run a courier service based in Richardson. I met with him and two other decision makers about a year ago when I was working as a Recruiter/Sales in Staffing. They were considering hiring someone, and joked that they would hire someone like me when they were ready. Well, they are looking for someone part time, it seems. So, Curtis's friend calls and asks if I am still interested in working part time. And, I think I am. Because Gage has been going to MDO for two days a week for a couple of months, and he loves it. And, to be honest, I accomplish more when I have a LOT to accomplish. I am driven by results, and I am driven by deadlines and stress. I get more done when I have little time to do it. So, my house isn't as clean as it use to be, because I have all this free time. Of course, I would be blogging anyway.

So, while it may seem that I don't need to take on MORE. I think that having a little time outside of the house with something to DO will make me a better wife and mother. I've known this about myself, but kind of felt guilty for wanting to do it all. I like to be busy. But, it's also easy to let things slide out of balance when you take on too much. I feel like now is the time to start adding things back to my plate. I'm sure Curtis would say that I could add housekeeping to my plate all I want. HAHA. My life is full in a heart sense, but not full enough for my mind. Plus, to be completely shallow, having extra money won't hurt. We are SOO blessed because Curtis works hard and provides for us financially on his own. He's amazing. I could never take on financial responsibility like he does. So, I think it would be nice to bring home a little slice of bacon to give us extra money for more fun things. Believe me, we don't go without. And, I'm not just saying we make it by with just the bare necessities. We live a very nice, comfortable life.

And, then, a positive sign...my sister in law says she would like to watch Gage during the week. So, there's an answer to the childcare worry if I did get a part time job. So, maybe we are on to something here.

Ok, I gotta get hoppin onto other things.

Gage's Accomplishments

This week has been full of things you've done that are completely awesome. First of all, we FINALLY saw your roll from back to tummy yesterday. I know you've done this at least 3 times before. Twice at night when I left you on the floor to get a new set of jammies for you, and I came back and you were on your tummy. I think you cheated and used your feet against the night stand. But, then Sunday afternoon, you were on the floor in the living room, and of course, I walked away, and your dad was sitting with his feet up in the recliner, so you weren't in our line of vision. I came back, and you were on your tummy. Again, with the sneakiness!
Then, we were all on the back porch, and I laid you down because you were being so silly and wiggly on my lap and I figured you could use the exercise. And, boom, there you go, right over to your tummy. We cheered so loud it scared you and made you cry for a second.
And, today, you have already taken two naps. And, it's only 2:15. You rock. You've alse been sleeping better at night. Not that you're not waking up, but you are sleeping from 7pm til about 8:15am with a couple of wake ups for food. And, you like to wake up around 5:30 and be awake until Daddy leaves for work, then take a bottle and go back to sleep with me til 8am. I love you for this early morning wake up and subesequent sleep til a NORMAL time. You're always super adorable this early hour too.
I can barely keep you fed these days. You're eating constantly it seems. But, you're also going longer without eating at night, so it makes sense. You put everything into your mouth to chew on. You seem to have found your thumb some days, but I never see you sucking, always just chewing. We are thinking about buying you a really big dog bone for your 5 month birthday. Of course, that will be after the Tequila shot celebration.
You're never a disappointment in social settings. You've always got a smile and giggle for people who want to talk to you. You play well and you like to show off. You're so aware and alert and curious. You're very interested in the out doors, and I think you'll love going camping in a couple of weeks.
You've also been making new sounds. Like this lovely clearing your throat sound. I'm thinking you're going to say your own name first with that sound! That would be a snarky thing to do. Skip the "mama"/"dada" contest and start with your own name. You LOVE your dad though. I think you'll say dad first. You've been sticking your tongue out like a little lizard, and sometimes you will mimic us if we stick out our tongues. You like to watch us eat and drink too.
Man, you'll be 20 weeks old tomorrow. 5 months in that sense. I don't recall giving you permission to turn into a little boy, and not be a baby anymore, but you've gone and done it. Oh, and one more thing, you're not big on crying. You prefer to yell when you're not happy. Screeching, screaming, but mostly genuine deep voiced yelling. It's a great way to communicate.
I love you.
Love, Mommy

Ten points for Gage!

This week, Gage has proven that he's a big boy now. He DID have that total meltdown in rush hour traffic, but then Friday, he totally hung out with us at dinner and then even stayed up to say hi to Rachel and Jason before he went to sleep with hardly a peep. And, then he spent 3 hours at the Allen High School Tallenettes Spring Showcase without having a cow. He's been so hilarious with smiles and laughs and so much personality.
Yeah, our kid rocks. And, the unfortunate side effect to that is baby fever. But, that ain't gonna happen this year, friends! Do you hear me, Curtis?? Mom?? You hear me??

Nerves of Steel & A Little Shame

Gage is asleep and Curtis went to help a friend with something, so I am home alone. And, that's a rare occasion. Of course, I COULD be folding laundry or something else productive. But, frankly, I don't feel like it. So, here I am.
Today was an interesting day. I went to DeSoto to see my parents and have lunch, and finally pick up my maternity pictures done by Shelley Nelson Photography last October. They've been ready since the week after I got them done, we've just been everywhere but there. She rocks. You should check out her work

Anyway, Gage slept the whole way there, which was nice. And, he was appropriately cute and adorable for my parents. But, he woke up on the car ride back home, and proceeded to scream. Yep, wouldn't stop. I had to finally pull over (after playing in-and-out of stop-and-go rush hour traffic) and go to Central Market in Dallas to get the baby out of the car for a while. I ended up getting some steaks for Curtis to grill (hey, he offered, and I will never ever ever turn down his offer to grill. The man could grill an iguana and it would taste good. I call him The Gril Master.) and I learned that I have no idea how to pick out a steak, let alone know what a certain type looks like. I had to throw myself on the mercy of the butcher who did nothing to hide his amusement at my ignorance. Good thing I was too annoyed with Gage to care.

So, I figure 25 minutes of being CARRIED AROUND LIKE A FOOTBALL IN MY ARMS WHILE PUSHING A CART at the grocery store would make him happy for the car ride home. Nope. He screamed. Then, while we are going approximately 25 MPH on the highway, I make a bottle and break my arm and dislocate my shoulder to shove it in Gage's mouth in the rear facing car seat. Note: this was not regular highway speed. This was rush hour traffic in Dallas. We never went above 35 while I was giving him the bottle. I think I've got this figured out. Well, about halfway through the bottle, he decides he's not happy either way. And, proceeds to scream.

Eventually, I break all driving rules and find a break in the HOV pickets and jump into the HOV lane to get some speed and get home faster. Well, guess what? The HOV doesn't open up again before my exit. And, I have to go two miles out of the way and make a U turn to come back down the service road. WHILE GAGE WAS SCREAMING. Yes, I screamed too. Gage is asleep. Thank you, Jesus. I now have nerves of steel.

And, in reference to my post about progress....well, let me say that after you have a child, avoid drama for 4 months. Resist the urge to repsond to COMPLETE STRANGERS who invade your life for no good reason. In fact, as a new mom, you should only focus on taking care of your new baby and taking care of yourself. Get enough rest. Don't have deep conversations or make any huge life decisions. Don't worry about the damn laundry or dishes. Order in or send your significant other for tacos. Don't let people who don't know you or have any respect for what you're accomplishing as the life source and provider for a new baby get to you. Avoid listening to people who don't matter. Don't worry about anything you don't really have to worry about.

Survival mode wore off at about 16 weeks for me. That's when I could look back at the first couple of months and see where I was and where I am. I didn't realize how much of am emotional situation I was going through until I was through it. I had some really dark moments. And, you don't think clearly, being sleep deprived and waiting for your body to heal from the hardest thing it will ever do. If you've never had a child, don't underestimate the changes endured by a woman who gives birth and then takes 24/7 care of that child she just delivered from her own body. Have some damn respect. It's hard as hell, and if you dare to spill drama into that woman's life, SHAME ON YOU! You might never know what it's like. Maybe that's why you're hateful. Maybe that's why you don't understand.

But, really, my advice: Protect yourself and your family as much as you can in those first weeks. Your life can't and won't go on as usual. Don't expect too much from yourself. You'll only disappoint. God, I wish I had been smarter. I wish I had known to do that.

Gage - Four Months Old

Dear Little Curtis:
Every month it seems like there's more and more that you do! I'm glad I waited to write you this month, because you've been pretty awesome since your 4 month birthday, and I want you to know it.

First of all, this month you've really turned into your own little person. That means you've been much more persistent with wanting what you want when you want it. Also, you're a huge flirt. Seriously, could you be more charming with the ladies? You crack me up. We went to Fellowship again last week, and it had been a while because we were visiting elsewhere, and there was snow, oh and the time we missed because we forgot about Daylight Savings, even though the news and everyone else in the world kept reminding us. Anyway, the lady in the nursery that took you said "Oh, Gage is my favorite, he's gotten so big since I saw him last." And, when we picked you up, all the nursery workers were saying how cute and charming you were being. Why do you think I married your dad? You got that from him.

Secondly, you have started laughing. Not just the little giggles we got before, but like full on toothless mouth wide open laughing. I sat you in your dad's lazy boy, and you were just so amused that you laughed the hardest we've ever seen or heard you laugh. Your little feet are constantly moving, and when you're impatient to be fed or picked up, you stomp your right foot. You've also figured out how to put your feet "just so" in the bouncer that you push and turn yourself nearly out of the seat. Yes, you're independent and stubborn. But, you're also a world class cuddle munch.

You have been sleeping in your big boy crib the past few nights. And by sleeping I mean you'll sleep in there until you wake up the first time. And, I am noticing a marked difference in how much you're waking up to eat at night. You're still waking up the same amount, but you're not trying to have a bottle until the morning. So, now, we just have to get you to go back to sleep on your own in the night. I won't lie, I love cuddling with you when you're sleeping. I know that will only last so long. You'll be "too big" too soon. And, then you won't let me kiss you when I drop you off at kindergarten. Or college.

You're so alert, but you always have been. And, very social. You tried cereal, banana, and prunes this month. Prunes were a horrible idea, since it looked like chocolate smeared on your face. It actually looked worse than chocolate, but this is a PG blog. You like to eat. So, the cereal was awesome. And, you smacked your lips on the banana mush. Just when we think you're going to drive us nuts, you bust out with these huge smiles. Your face is perpetually stuck in a open mouth, gummy smile most of the day. You hate a pacifier, but you love your fingers. You have found your thumb a few times, and I can see you sucking away at it for a few seconds every once in a while.

Today, we bought some bikes and a bike trailer for you. I know you'll love it. You're sleeping better at night. Eating more when you eat. I love you. Your dad loves you. I think I finally got the hang of this. Thank you for being so patient with us.

Love,
Mommy

less and less

I swear, this kid needs me less and less. And, I am totally ok with that. He is so good at playing and entertaining himself. Don't judge me. I spend a lot of time all up in his face playing and reading and singing and generally being silly. But, thank God I can set him down to cook dinner, wash some dishes, or post a blog. He's also great in public. Really, he should be more worried about me embarassing him in public than vice versa. He's so alert and charming.

RANDOM: I have definitely made it through the rain (thank you Barry Manilow, the love of my childhood life ((and thanks mom for introducing me to him)) for all the inspiration). Another blog I've been debating on sharing, and I think I have finally edited it enough in my mind that I can share it without monetizing the drama. I hate giving credence to something. I hate allowing something worthless any moments of thought in my life. But, it's going to be more about progress than the past.

Gage is a talker. And, he's so dramatic. Don't know where that all comes from! Tonight, he will be sleeping in his own room in his crib. I've been letting him play a bit in there from time to time, to develop a positive connotation with the crib. he loves his room anyway. You can leave him on the floor on a blanket and he will just kick and giggle like some one is entertaining him. Not that I do that. Of course, because I am a perfect mother who never has to leave her child in another room for a 10 minute pep talk about how it will NOT help to sell him to Jennifer for $4.50. But I digress. He's about outgrown his bassinet, as well as his welcome in our room. :) How did I make this decision? He kicked his little legs so much that he uprooted the mattress in the bassinet. Big boys sleep in big beds! Also, I cuddled up to Curtis last night and it occurred to me that Gage sleeping in our room affects the pillow talk time. And, you know what I mean (MIND OUT OF GUTTER!). It's those last few moments before sleep where you talk about whatever. We usually end up giggling too loud, and Gage grunts and we have to "shhhhhhhhhh!".

Like it says on the homepage...Motherhood is the only job you can suck at for the first 90 days, and not get fired. ALSO: You can't quit. Think about this before you make the sexy time kids! Gage would be happy to scream in an enclosed space with you for an hour if you need a bit more serious warning.

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy FAMILY!

I just have to tell you, our son is OUT OF CONTROL with personality. If you know me, then you know I have always been a bit over the top. Curtis likes to say "What's the deal? I'm at a 2, and you're at a 10." And, Curtis usually is at a 2, unless you catch him letting loose. Then, well, the total in our house quickly approaches 2,374,987,436. Add Gage into the mix, and the universe tilts a little more to the left. This kid doesn't stop. He doesn't have a "low" setting. He's maxed out, or he's asleep. And, the transition isn't always smooth. He use to fall asleep with a bottle and burp and go to sleep. Then it got where I might have to rock him a little but he goes to sleep. Now, he's a sweaty, swearing mess when I try to put him to sleep.
Enter: sleep training. Healthy sleep habits, happy child: a step-by-step program for a good night's ... By Marc Weissbluth
I was wondering when a good time to allow him to put himself to sleep would be, and that time has officially arrived. It's been working at night for bedtime. He might fuss for no more than 20 minutes and then he's out. Nap time hasn't been so easy. Who knows what words are coming out of his mouth, but he's letting us know he is NOT interested in a nap, even though he couldn't need one more. So, we're practicing sleep training for naptime now.
What do I mean by sleep training? I mean, you look and listen for the cues your child gives that say they're tired, and you lay them down for sleep before they get out of control. You can rock and soothe as much or as little as necessary. We practice Extinction. Meaning, I usually give Gage a bedtime bottle, and if he falls asleep, great. If not, we cuddle a little, and then he gets in his bassinet no later than 7pm. He might fuss for a while, but he understands its bedtime. You can expect that a child less than 3 months won't be able to self soothe. And, not all kids learn at the same time. Sleep training helps them learn to self soothe. He sucks on his fingers and kicks his little legs until he's asleep. It's worth letting him learn to self soothe and maybe cry for half an hour (protest crying, not hysterical tears. its more like squawking), knowing he will sleep and get the nap he needs for healthy development. There are set backs. Like sickness or teething. Or vacations. But, sleep train your baby, and as a toddler, elementary schooler, and teenager your kid will go to sleep well. Kids need sleep! The crazy screamers at the grocery store.....they need a nap. Or more night time sleep. Sleep depravation is a form of war torture. Don't rob your kids of the sleep they need. Everyone suffers. Including the brain development. Children who are well rested are better in social situations, as well as being able to be imaginitive and play by themselves. They can entertain themselves, and can be expected to be fun and charming to be around. Gage is a charmismatic lady killer when he's well rested. He is a beating when he's tired. I'm like, this is like a spanking to me. Don't misread that...I feel like I'm being beaten when he's super tired and cranky. Not that he is being beaten. LOL.
I think how full my life is, and I can't see it happening any other way. Curtis is not like any other man I've ever known. That's one of the reasons I married him (besides the obvious fact that he's devastatingly handsome and amazing). Our son is this crazy mix of us both. I mean, Gage looks like Curtis spawned him all by himself, but the personality...oh man. Gage is one in a skillion. (thats a 1 followed by 37 zeroes)

Hate-Filled Rant

Today, I will rant about the bullcrap!

TXU - You suck. Because you send us ridiculously high bills, and there is NO WAY possible they are correct. And, a special thanks for hiring people who clearly do not use English as their first language. I know her name was not really Mary. How did our bills go from two or three hundred to five or six hundred? You're not sure? Oh, I bet you can send someone out here to look at that cheap old meter on the building and tell me why it's spinning out of control when we have NOTHING TURNED ON IN THE WHOLE HOUSE!!! If I wanted to pay as much in electricity as we do for Curtis's truck payment we financed for 4 years, then I would let you know I like to throw money away. But seriously, we are breaking up soon. You're just not good for me. You don't belong in my world...oh wait, I've been watching New Moon. You are overpriced and your customer service dept is a joke. Hire some people in AMERICA. You know, that place where all your customers live. The place with like 10% unemployment. I bet plenty of people whose first language is ENGLISH (or whom at the very least can speak it like a human being, not a ROBOT READING FROM A SCRIPT!!!!) would like a job helping their fellow americans. TXU, you can kiss it.

Prosperity Bank - I use to think it was cute that you were so small. Not like Bank Of America where they have so many customers, they could take over the world. I use to like that everyone knows our name and holds our baby when we come in. But, when my new debit card comes in the mail, and I have to drive to the branch to get it activated, I find it annoying. And, then when I tried to activate it at the ATM, it said too many PIN tries. And it would take 24 hours to reset. WHAT?!?!? Because I don't have ANYTHING to do for the next 24 hours, like grocery shop or get gas. How annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe if you had a closer branch, I wouldn't mind stopping in and getting some cash, but I don't know if I have the gas to drive there. Sheesh. You are the bane of my existence. Today. But, I still hate you less than TXU.

Oh, and TEETHING! Yes, you, the one with the gummy pain in my baby's mouth, you're about to hear from me really soon. So, watch out!

To The Love of My Life

Curtis and I have had a crazy rollercoaster ride in the short time we've been together. Some people are together 10 years before they deal with as much as we have, it seems. When I look back at the 27 months we've had together, it seems such a small amount of time compared to the life we lived before each other. We met, and he likes to say that we are still on our first date. We've gome through crazy drama (why do people from the past pop up for no good reason?), we've gone through sickness, broken bones, family tears, losing jobs, getting jobs, pregnancy, and the first three months of parenthood together. Sometimes, when we argue, it's easy to think we've had so few pleasant, fun, easy-going memories. It feels like a rat race.
I will admit the strife in our relationship stems partially from the decision we made to live together before we were married. It just sort of happened, after he broke his leg. I was there taking care of him 24/7 the first few weeks since he wasnt allowed to walk on his foot after the surgery he had to have to repair the broken bones. And, when the time came for me to transition on to finding my own place, we made the decision to stay in the situation we were in. I know it caused us much more pain than God wanted for us. So, once we were able to get married, we did so very quickly to be obedient to God's will. We still reaped some of the fruit of that decision immediately after our wedding. But, when we prayed about starting a family, God blessed us very quickly with an answer in the form of Gage!
I can say that I have watched Curtis grow into a man that I dreamed of. I have seen him change. I have watched him become a father, the sole provider for our family, a man who carries his worries silently & prayerfully. There's so much that goes on inside my husband that I can easily miss if I am not intently observing. He's not a man who will speak unless he is sure of his words. He doesn't fill the air with empty things. He keeps things to himself, and sometimes I have to drag it out of him. But, he has such a tender, loving heart. I know he keeps it hidden away to keep from getting hurt. He's wise, he's funny. He looks at the world in a way I don't. He has a relationship with his Heavenly Father that I can never have. I am envious of the depth of his experience of God's grace & forgiveness. He's a man who was changed from old into new, and it was a beautiful transformation. I feel so petty and irreverent at times with the things I struggle with, knowing how God has brought him through a lot of hard times. Not that the Lord hasn't done great things in my life, but it seems like Curtis has this knowledge of God's love that I miss out on in the familiarity of my 20 year Christian faith walk. I become hard hearted to the things God does every day. Curtis has an appreciation for all things great and small.
He is a loving father and husband. He may be rough in a way, being very much a man, but he loves so passionately and faithfully. I've never felt more safe, more loved, more sacrificed for. He's not perfect. He's just perfect for me. Someone once asked me if I felt like Curtis was the answer to my prayers for a husband, and I will say that Curtis isn't exactly what I prayed for. And, I am SO thankful that he's the man God picked for me, not the one I naively thought I needed. It's simply that God brought me a husband who is exactly what I needed, because my Heavenly Father knows me more than I know myself. I feel like Curtis was hand picked and delivered to me. I never would've thought I would be with a man like him. He's the only man that I can't steamroll. He stands up and demands that he is the leader of this family, and he lovingly allows me to voice my opinions. He puts me in my place when I need it, and he always loves me through my growing pains. We've hit more than a few bumps in the road due to the 8 1/2 year age difference between us. I am thankful for a husband with enough experience in life to know when to relax and let things go. I struggle with that on a daily basis. He's taught me that there's so much more to life than the things I tend to worry about. And, I have taught him to be a little more gentle. Curtis and I complement each other in a way that is beyond a ridiculous description of words. I could never be with anyone else. And, just last night, Curtis looked at me and said, "I don't think any woman has ever loved me as much as you do. You're the love of my life."

Gage: Three Months Old

Dude, you're three months old now. You've been sick this past week, and it was your first time being stuffy and congested. Guess what? You don't like not being able to breathe. I feel ya.
This month, you have rolled over from front to back, and back to front. You are trying to sit up when I lay you down to sleep, because you'd rather be awake. You laugh, you smile, you flirt. You are starting to look more like a little boy and less like a baby. You started going to Mothers Day Out, and you seem to do well. I know it's good for our relationship to have a small break from each other like that. You've started putting your heels down and pushing yourself across the floor on your back. You like to push your feet against me when I am changing your diaper.
I have felt like I've failed you a few times this month. I think the exhaustion has finally caught up with me. Your daddy has really stepped in to do more things with you, now that you're a bit more fun. Between you and me, I think he just wasn't really sure what he was suppose to do, and it took him a couple of months to get the hang of things. You never cry when he holds you. Unless you're impatient for a bottle. You are starting to fill out all the cute little boy clothes we have for you. You sat in your ExerSaucer and played for the first time this past weekend. You were hanging on, pushing the buttons and making the music play.
I know I've been tired, more tired than usual. I think it's made me grumpier sometimes, and I haven't been as patient as possible. But, you always wake up smiling and happy and you don't act like you remember when I've been less than attentive. It's so wonderful to be loved by someone that I regularly disappoint. You're quite the wonderful charmer. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. I can't wait to see all the new things you'll learn this next month. It's such a joy to watch you grow.
Love, Mommy

What We're Not Telling You

I recently have had one of the toughest weeks of my life. Sick husband causes sick baby causes sick Me. I have never had to take care of someone else who doesn't feel good, while I feel like death warmed over. It sucks. Add this to life's general crap, and, well, it makes for a great story about how I can be a horrible mother some days. My body is not capable of complete rest at this stage in life. Knowing that Gage relies upon us as his parents to take care of him challenges us each in different ways. Curtis has the entire financial burden of providing for us. Thankfully, he works incredibly hard, and God always provides for us in abundance. But, still, it's exhausting. I feel the pressure of being constantly on call for booger retrieving, butt wiping, bottle mixing, and barf cleaning. And, I still have to manage to play with and smile at our son. Some days, as in this past week, that's been harder than ever. Nothing like the gentle reminder of a screaming infant to cause me to remember to take my birth control!
Not everyone realizes the affect a constantly needy person has on your marriage. We fall into bed exhausted and I am wondering if we even looked each other in the eye and said I love you with our full attention some days. It's a good thing that we have learned to make the most of our time together. Finally the weather is allowing some walks with Gage in the stroller. Gage has been going to bed around 7pm (before he was freaking out about the whole not being able to breathe due to his congested head) and there's that wonderful thing called Mother's Day Out. He went back today. And, thank God! I was completely at my wit's end. I remember yelling (yes, I yelled) at him at some point "I know you don't feel good, but mommy doesn't either!" And, this morning, I was just begging God that Gage would be ok enough to go to daycare, because I needed a nap and a break from him and his not feeling good.
The doctor said "No fever, just a freaking head cold. No Tylenol, please. It will work itself out." And I replied in my mind "Ok, will you please prescribe me some sedatives for my own sanity??" I swear, this is how people go crazy. Sleep depravation is used as a form of torture in POW camps. I am totally down with losing some sleep for my sick kid, but being sick myself has been a kick in the head. Again, adding that to the general drama that comes with life, I can see why those rich wives, and desperate middle class moms load up on the pills. Thank God I don't have any prescriptions available. They might have proved too tempting this week.
Don't let me forget to give credit to Curtis for helping as much as he can. Of course, he was sick and didn't feel 100% until Tuesday. By that time, Gage was already getting sick, and I was a close 3rd place. And, no one can ever pretend to understand a mother's responsibility. So don't try. Don't dumb it down. Don't you dare take away our credit. To every mom who does this life sober!
Another thing about how disappointed I am with this body hiding under my clothes these days. I might have lost the weight, but it's not the same. Maybe a tan and some more lunges. I know, time heals all wounds. Even the ones left by carrying a child around INSIDE your size 2 body for 9 months. Hello size 4, please tell me you're only here for a short stay. Oh, and abs, I know you're in there, and I WILL FIND YOU AND DRAG YOU INTO THE SUNSHINE, so help me!!
Gage finally caught up on his sleep with a 4 hour nap this afternoon. There IS A GOD! Motherhood and death row will drive a person to the Lord. I thought I was going to do pretty well with the loss of sleep, because I have always LOVED a good nap, but I can go without much sleep for ridiculously long periods of time. Before I met Curtis, I was working full time teaching Group Exercise at a few different places. I woke up every morning to be at the gym by 5am to start the day with a 5:30am class. I taught 2 more classes every week day morning, and afternoon/evening classes a few times a week as a fill in when needed. I woke up every Saturday for 3 years to teach a class at 8 or 8:30. I went through a rough patch where I was also staying out late, occasionally drinking too much, and staying overnight with friends. And, I still got up and did the gym thing. This was only 3 years ago. And, now, I have this small child, and I can barely keep it together. Maybe it's because I am not being paid for this sleep depravation! I am aware that I am investing in the future of a human being. I am also aware that I like to sleep when I feel like it. I was OK until the germs attacked me. They must have attacked my ability to stay sane as well.
So, what are we not telling you? Mothers aren't telling you how freaking hard this is sometimes. How much we cry, how frustrated and sometimes angry we get. How guilty we feel for not loving every minute of it. The horrible things that come to mind at 3am when you have to get up once again to take care of pooping and feeding and burping. Being tired, in the middle of the night, I think things that I would never imagine during my normal wakefulness. My exhausted mind allows me to consider never having more kids. Wishing this one would hurry up and just grow up already. Thinking how nice it would be to drop him off, go to Starbucks with a book and my iPod and not come back until I am good and ready. That could be several, several hours. Maybe 24 in a row! I dream of him being the age when you can drop your kids off for the whole weekend with a friend or family member and do our own thing. 24 hours without any crying. Oh verbal communication, I never realized how much I loved you. Gage will be learning sign language ASAP so he can communicate with me about simple things before he can really talk to me. It's like being ignored, and then forced to play a guessing game when he wants something. That's what no one is telling you. How much this sucks.
We aren't telling you how it feels to finally soothe a sad baby. How proud we are when they do something new. When you see the light bulb go off in their head. When you think they are finally catching on to something. When they smile for you. When they kicked and kicked inside your belly, and you knew you would never be alone again. You'd always have this little person who would grow into a big person, who would make you something you couldn't be without them. A mother.
I look forward to that little blonde boy bringing me weeds he calls flowers, and tracking mud into the living room. I look forward to messy hugs and sloppy kisses. This thing, motherhood, it has very few immediate returns. You can't be selfish. You can't do this and maintain some sense of detachment. You're all in it, and you can't get away from it. Even the ones that leave. You can't ever stop being a mother. We aren't telling you how it feels to invest in someone and just hope and pray they turn out completely different from yourself. Because you know how terrible of a person you can be sometimes. You give, literally, of your own body to bring this person here, and no one will ever make you angrier, happier, more sad, or more proud.

Motherhood Explained

I will jump right in and start with describing a normal day as a Stay At Home Mommy (SAHM).
I will start with bedtime because it makes more sense that way.

Around 7-7:45pm I give Gage his last bottle of the evening and can usually successfully put him down to sleep. This is after 2 hours of general fussiness if he decided that an afternoon nap didn't interest him that day.

We eat dinner, which is rarely anything fancy these days, and Curtis gets the short end of the stick sometimes. We've gotten into a routine where we trade off entertaining Grumpy while we tag team cooking dinner. And by cooking, it could mean I start cooking hamburger meat for some pre-boxed dinner, and Curtis tends to it while it finishes browning, and we mix in whatever pasta or sauce or flavor packet he picked out. Or it could be my dear friend, Stouffer's and one of their many lovely frozen family meals - lasagna, sesame chicken, etc. Occasionally Curtis votes to order some take out and goes and picks up dinner.
Lately, Gage has been waking up around 10pm and being a little fussy, so I put him in bed next to me to get him to go back to sleep.
Between 4am-6am: Gage wakes up to have breakfast. The two hour time frame depends on when he went to bed the night before. He will usually go back to sleep til 7:30 or so.

7:30am-8:15am: Gage is ready to start his day. He is in a great mood, and we play and giggle til he starts getting annoyed by me.

Around 9am he eats

9:15-9:45am: We go to the bedrooom to cuddle and settle down for a morning nap. This is only a NEWLY LEARNED idea. Naps go from 45 minutes to a blessed 2 hours.

And, then he eats again.

And, we can hang out and stuff, but he's constantly needing entertainment. He might take an afternoon nap. We are working on the naps. He's grumpy when he doesnt nap. Which, is exactly why I am staying home. I want him to be engaged and stimulated. I read books, I play and sing and talk. It's very rewarding.

Conversely, I remember nothing important. I rarely see adults. I think I might chunk a bottle at the wall when I am at my wits end. I don't get to shower every day. And, the other day, I didn't even remember to brush my teeth that morning. My problem solving skills left with the pleasure of sleeping through the night. I get poop and spit up on my clothes. I went 3 months without mopping all the floors in my house. I squeeze in some coffee after the first cheery morning wake up, and I might eat lunch by 3pm. Laundry gets washed, and sometimes folded, but rarely hung up. I have days (sometimes 3 or 4 in a row) that I can say are "bad days". Days when the tiredness catches up, the constant 24/7 job of Mommy wears my patience thin.

Motherhood has driven me closer to my Lord. It's like a death row inmate finding religion. You realize you can't face it alone. And, not that I am ALONE. We have family that watches Gage if we need it. Of course, you can't take advantage of them! I started taking him to Mother's Day Out for socialization (ok, really for my sanity). Most importantly, I obviously have my wonderful, supportive, helpful husband.

It's not to say this is easy. It's not to say that it's not rewarding. Absolutely nothing can prepare you for this. And, I think if anyone could accurately portray and explain what being a parent is like, no one would do it. It SOUNDS hard. It IS hard. But, damn, it's awesome.

Valentine's Day 2010

Well, I rarely have time to write these days. And, I obviously rarely found time to write through the end of my pregnancy. But, as part of a renewed commitment to becoming a better Christian and wife, I felt led to share more. God is glorified in our sharing His good work. "I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord." (Psalm 27:13) And, "He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it." (Philippians 1:6)
Gage Parker Avary was born at 11:45pm on December 8, 2009. He's 10 weeks this Tuesday. It's been a whirlwind. In the past year, I went from trying to pursue a career in Staffing, finally getting that promotion I thought I wanted to being a stay at home mommy and having the most fulfilling life. I knew a few years ago, when I decided to leave college that I really wanted to be a wife and mom, more than anything. I also knew that my love for writing could best be pursued while my babies were growing, and I was home with them.
Being a stay at home mom is crazy awesome, but it can be a challenge as well. I have to remember to keep myself connected with other people, other women especially. I have to remember not to let Gage run my life. I have to remember to be a wife to Curtis first, and take care of him as well. Curtis takes such good care of me and Gage. He works so hard. Harder than I've seen anyone work most days! But, he loves it as much as he hates it. I know he takes pride in being able to provide for us, but I know he's stressed about being the sole provider as well.
I hear the munchkin waking up from his nap...

Gage -Two Months Old

Gage: Two Months Old Sunday, February 7, 2010 at 9:54pm
This past month has held a lot of new moments for you. You have gotten a personality in the past few weeks. You smile and coo and make baby babble sounds. You like to lay on your play mat and look at your handsome baby face in the mirror. I prop you up and make sounds at you, and sometimes you'll echo back and we will go back and forth a few rounds. You rolled over on your 7 week birthday, but that's the only time it's happened. So, I know it's only a matter of time til you're going to college.
This baby stage is the hardest. You've had some colic-y evenings and it's been hard on me and your dad. You scream and scream and usually only a bath will do in keeping you calm. But, it occurred to me tonight that you're entitled to freaking out occasionally. I admit this outside world is not nearly as easy as the place you came from. Tonight, I gave you a bath, but you got tired of it, and decided it no longer pleased Sire and Sire wished to have something else to amuse him. So, I tried to give you a bottle. But, to no avail. So, I ended up sitting in the bathroom next to the bathtub feeding you a bottle while I let the cold water run. The sounds calmed you down enough to eat. And, then, lo and behold, you were sleepy. And then you weren't. Talk about going a few rounds...
Daddy needed a haircut, and you were happy so I laid you down in your bed, thinking you'd hang tight til I was done. But, guess what? YOU FELL ASLEEP. ALL BY YOURSELF. And, then I scared the crap out of your dad when he was leaving the closet getting his shoes because I was so excited to tell him that YOU FELL ASLEEP. ALL BY YOURSELF. And right now, you're asleep. Because I am actually writing you a day before you're two months old. I figured I should take the chance while I had it.
You've met a lot of new people this month. Mostly all the women who were waiting to meet you since you were born. Your dad and I haven't been much fun this past month. We've gotten to see our friends once. We have been able to take you places though. I went to the grocery store with you and you slept the whole time, and then slept another whole hour once we got home. We went to the mall to shop and you were so good, sleeping and looking around. People seem fascinated to look at you. I guess I never noticed how much people notice babies. Even other kids notice you. It's cool to see toddlers peeking at you, like kids know something. You met Gus and Emmerson this week too. Gus hugged you and it made me think that I was pretty sure you needed to be a big brother. Of course, that means having another baby, and right now, Mommy isn't loony tunes. So, you'll be waiting a while on that one.
Your smile and baby laughs make the colic moments liveable. We joke how nice it must be to be a baby. You get fed and changed, and you have a good looking woman who is your personal nose and butt cleaner. I think you've got it made. But, really, I guess it's hard being so new to everything. And, not being able to help yourself or defend yourself - not that you've needed defending. But, really, life is so new to you and you don't know the first thing about handling it. That's hard when I think about it. And, when I look like I'm about to lose my cool, I am reminded that I am thankful I have a crying baby to hold and comfort. Because not everyone gets that in life.
I look back each time I have written you, and the same things come to mind.
1. I don't know how we survived it.
2. You amaze me every single day.
3. No one and nothing could have prepared me for this.
4. I love you in a way that has infected every fiber of my being, and I would lay down my life every second for you.
5. You've made the bond and love between your dad and I stronger.
6. You're absolutely, positively a miracle.

This next nonth, I am hoping you'll grow out of the colic. But, like daddy says to you: "We love you even when you're noisy."

Love, Mommy