My Heart Hurts

Like much of Dallas, I am heart broken for the police officers who lives were lost last week at the peaceful protest in downtown Dallas. A protest by people who were protesting because THEIR hearts hurt for the black men's lives lost the previous week.

Here I am. Just a 30-something middle class white lady. I know I will never be profiled at the airport or at a traffic stop. It doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt when it happens to other people.

My heart hurts every time I see another civilian killed by law enforcement. It hurts when I think of the officers killed in retaliation. It hurts when I think of how my 6 year old has wanted to be a police officer since he could declare a future occupation and now that scares me. It hurts when I admit that I was a little scared thinking about heading downtown to teach Tuesday. My heart hurts for the friend I saw on Facebook posting about how she will have to prep her black son for when he's 16, driving and eventually gets pulled over by a cop.

I feel like I haven't put much into words about the deaths of black men by police officers, because what can I say that doesn't sound like a clueless 30-something white girl? What do I know of racism? What do I know of being treated differently? No, I cannot empathize with the black community, but my heart hurts for you.

I am not married to a civil servant. Sure, my husband can get hurt at work, but the worst he's had has been a broken leg. I never have to worry about him being shot on the job. I cannot empathize with the families of the police officers killed, but my heart hurts for them.

I just ache for the hatred to stop. I want so badly for everyone to love and be loved. And, I realize we live in a fallen world. That won't ever really happen. But, at least we can hope for changes and pray for peace.

In light of recent hot topics: What about our boys?

We have two boys. They're little still. They have a wonderful man as their role model and father. There has been a lot of discussion about women and young girls being unsafe in public restrooms because of the transgender bathroom topic. I am NOT here to discuss that topic. What has been on my mind is the idea that we are treating all men as if they're uncontrolled, wild animals waiting to attack a female. That bothers me. Hear me out.

A little background: I was a victim of sexual abuse in my early childhood. I grew up being somewhat overly concerned about my safety around men. Ones that I knew and ones that I didn't. Because I learned that even someone who is suppose to love you can hurt you. Rightfully so, I was apprehensive walking to my car in the dark, being alone with someone who could easily overpower me, or having an attacker waiting in my backseat. But, even if I had not experienced it for myself, I would still have been told to BEWARE OF STRANGE MEN. I keep my keys handy, I look around and make sure I am aware of my surroundings. I think about what I have in my hands that could be a weapon, or look for an easy escape route if I feel unsafe. I've been taught to not get too comfortable in the world when I am all alone. 

I've attended meetings about self defense for women. I've heard police officers speak about safety and how to avoid being a target for an attacker. Heck, my own husband tells me to watch out and be aware of my surroundings every time I head out the door to Kroger.  

All the (albeit ridiculous) discussion of men pretending to be women to take advantage of the new bathroom laws and rape women in the bathrooms has got me thinking. I know a TON of great men who would never ever hurt anyone like that. In fact, it's safe to say there are exponentially more men on the planet who would never attack/rape/kidnap/roofie a woman than those who would. So, I asked my husband:

"Does it offend you in any way that all men are looked at like potential threats to women?" I clarified with an anecdote. "Does it bother you that if you were walking behind a woman in the Kroger parking lot that she has probably been told to consider you a threat to her safety and be suspicious of you?" And, he said no. He said he would, in fact, go out of his way to be non-threatening. Make noise, jingle his keys, so that she knows he is there and isn't trying to be sneaky. And I just kind of looked at him. It had not occurred to me before that a kind, normal dude like him would have to worry about scaring a woman in a parking lot. Simply because he is a man. 

As a mom of boys, it saddens me to think that they will grow up being treated as a potential threat to the safety of women around them, simply because they're male. It's our job to make sure to raise men who would always be kind and loving and never hurt anyone. Male or female. 

I am not trying to start a gender discussion so much as take a hard look at the impact a fallen world has on our day to day actions and reactions to something as simple as my husband walking in a a parking lot or my son taking a girl on a date (in like 25 years when I allow that). It hurts my heart that as women we have to constantly be on our guard for attackers, and that the men we love have to constantly be on their guard to not look like an attacker. 

Trust me, sexual assault is more real than anyone would like to imagine. Rainn.org states that every 107 seconds another American is assaulted. And that's ONE country in our world. That works out to be about 293,000 victims of sexual assault every year. Those are just the ones that are reported!!!! Also, that's not just women. Men are victims of sexual assault and even LESS likely to report it. In fact, 68% of assaults go unreported to the police. 

It's not a gender issue. It's a heart issue. There are horrible, evil people in the world. We all have to be on guard. I hate that innocence is stolen, women walk around scared, and good, normal,  men walk around hoping no one thinks they're a rapist while they're getting milk at the grocery store or pumping gas late at night. So, yes, I am concerned for my gender's safety. Also, what about our boys? 

Peace, Pizza & Prosecco

I should totally be taking a shower and going to bed on time tonight. But, I feel like a new post was needed.

I have been doing a Bible reading plan about the fruits of the spirit. Today's reading was about Peace. I needed that. It's strange to me, though it's been a consistent occurrence for most of my life...it's strange to me every time I have an obvious word from God about something that I needed. I don't believe in coincidence or luck. I love seeing how perfectly timed God's timing is. I needed some reminding about peace and it was the Bible reading that was next for me today. 

You might know I had another blog about my attempt at Whole30. I did not successfully complete a full 30 days. I have some goals I keep putting off. I tell myself I will start after we move. And let me tell you, we will be lucky if we move with all of our things because I have packed like 4.3 boxes so far and we move in 27 days. Packing an entire house is a lot of work. I'll attempt to get some more done this weekend. I think I will pack the pots and pans first so I am off the hook for cooking the rest of the month. We can eat anything that can be baked for the remainder of our time here. :)

Since my healthy eating/working out all by myself stuff isn't starting til June, I had pizza and a glass of wine last night. Oh gosh. I rarely drink. Really. Alcohol is a depressant, and I don't like the way it makes me feel. But, I had been wanting a glass of Prosecco (read: I pretend it's champagne and I am fancy) so I bought a bottle and had one small glass and fell asleep on the couch at 10pm. Because I am such a rock star partier, you can see.

My friend Stephanie introduced me to Prosecco after Cade was born, and I have not looked back. It makes me feel fancy like I am drinking champagne. I think in order to be called champagne, it has to be from a certain place and/or made with specific grapes. Here's my official answer for pizza and wine pairing: I don't know much about wine and I will literally eat any pizza you offer me. I CAN give you actual nutrition and an exercise program that will help you though. 

That being said, I will be hosting a challenge group starting in a few weeks, so keep your eyes peeled for that info and think about joining me! 

Peace, Acceptance & A Birthday

     The past two weeks or so I have been struggling with accepting where I felt God leading me. I have said NO to a lot of things; cut way back on commitments outside the home. In fact, I even caught myself starting to send an email in response to a studio that I saw hiring and I literally had to stop myself and say "WHAT are you doing, Jodie?!". I have this fear of missing out on something. Like, I want to do ALL the things and teach ALL the classes. 

CHASE ALL THE RABBITS...and catch none.

     I had a moment on Tuesday... 18 months of teaching a Tuesday night cycle class that has been "mine" since the cycle studio opened at The Fed...I gave up that class once I found out we were moving farther north, father away from downtown. This past Tuesday was the first day my friend took over teaching it. And, as I was sitting at home with Curtis, waiting to head to pick up the boys from their two different schools, I realized I didn't have to come home, change and leave within 45 minutes of picking up Gage. And, I sighed a little. It's not that I don't miss those people. Because I do. We became friends and we shared little parts of our lives and updated each other on big events every time we got together to ride. But, I realized that my kids and Curtis have needed me a lot more than I have allowed myself to think about. 

     Y'all know what denial is. I have been in denial about how much more I could have been doing for my family, had I not been so tied up with teaching. Because we don't just show up and wing it. We practice, plan, compile playlists, test the work. I won't waste energy feeling sad over any potential time I lost with my kids. Because we all have to work outside the home sometimes. Maybe I could have worked less, but it took time for me to slowly peel back the layers. If Curtis had been insistent that I drop everything, I'm sure I would have been more resistant to change. 

     The real moment I had on Tuesday was realizing Curtis had worked really hard to provide for us, to allow me to stay home and help him by answering phones and handling the office-y work, and that I could allow MYSELF a chance to relax a bit. I breathed a big sigh of relief and that "moment" was me settling back into the mom/wife role and focusing on my family first again. That acceptance of taking the weight off my shoulders, giving it to God and letting my soul find peace in my newly defined purpose. 

ALSO CURTIS IS TURNING 40 AND HE WON'T LET ME HAVE A PARTY FOR HIM. SO ALL I CAN DO IS WRITE ABOUT IT HERE AND ON FACEBOOK TOMORROW. HERE IS A PICTURE OF TINY CURTIS FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE. 

He probably won't even read this blog post. :)

Surrender, A Sabbatical & Saying No

I want to be able to say I'm a blogger on my Instagram profile. Like, it's probably ridiculous to write, but I do. I love the blog world and thinking maybe something I say would connect with another woman as she read it.

I thrive on connecting with people. I am a true extrovert who gets fulfillment from meeting people and talking and having "a moment" with them. Curtis and I were discussing how he loathes sharing his business with the world and I get that he doesn't have the same drive to "be an open book" like I do. Because being an open book allows me to connect with others. He's a true introvert and being around people drains him completely. And, he requires a chance to recharge before he can offer more connection. This is just one of the innumerable ways we are polar opposites. It's really nice to not have someone who is trying to hog my spotlight though. I kid.

I also want to be able to teach a billion classes a week, have a beautiful, well cleaned home (ya know, by paid help) and delicious Whole30/Paleo/Organic/Made with Love meals for my family every day. Oh, and of course run the garage door business business with Curtis. It's grown so much that I need to give a whole lot more of my energy to it.

Reality: I have been called to Surrender the things that only feed my ego, take a sabbatical from teaching/working except for less than a handful of classes a week, and say no to everything other than my family and my personal workouts.

It's been a couple of weeks of struggle, but God has certainly shown me that I need to focus on energies into just a few things and stop chasing so many rabbits. There's a Russian Proverb that says:

"If you chase two rabbits, you won't catch either of them".

Well, I think I'll keep writing when I can; after I do the things I know are my God-given, purposed priorities.

I woke up in backwards underwear

Well, Gage started this week with a cough. It wasn't too bad. He never felt or acted sick or run down. Curtis was sick before the weekend, pretty badly with a fever and chills and a sore throat. So, I was really glad Gage didn't experience that.

Wednesday, Cade went to take his nap and had a little cough that woke him up a couple of times. And, by yesterday afternoon, I could tell he was run down and had a fever at dinner. We gave him medicine and put him to bed in our bed.

He then proceeded to have a really rough night of waking up, coughing, being miserable, getting medicine and water and he eventually peed out of his diaper, all over me. I got up (AGAIN) to change my clothes and thinking I had grabbed clothes from my drawer, I put on some pajama shorts. Then, OF COURSE, there are no clean sheets to change the bed with (because I ran out of laundry soap yesterday and did not feel pressed to get more in the less than 30 degree temps), I grabbed towels to soak up the pee, then put more folded towels over the wet spot and tried to go back to sleep.

Have you ever tried to sleep NEAR what you know is potentially a wet puddle of pee in your bed? It's not too restful. I tried sleeping near the edge so Cade was inside, up high enough to not be in the pee spot and I was close enough to rub his back or tummy if he was moving around miserably moaning.

Cue my 4:20am alarm for Boot Camp. I hit snooze for 5 mins. I couldn't do it. Cade was restless still, audibly sucking his fingers and unsuccessfully trying to breathe through his nose. And I could barely whisper. My voice was like the crypt keeper. I messaged my chicks that I would have to owe them a session. I HATE THAT! I hate letting down my clients. But, this time, I had to handle the kiddos.

So, we all sleep in til like 8am which is unheard of in this house. Maybe someone sleeps til 7 if they're a little extra tired. My kids don't sleep in. I married an early bird (who thankfully isn't a chatty early bird - they're the worst) and gave birth to early birds. Cade will stay in bed to cuddle, but Gage and Curtis are out of bed as soon as they're up.

I stumble into the living room because Curtis was leaving for work and I knew the boys were in the living room already - lo and behold, I am NOT wearing my own pajama shorts, but rather a pair of Curtis's boxers...backwards.

Obviously, I blindly dug through the wrong drawer at 3am and ya know what....just HAPPY FRIDAY Y'ALL.

It came in like a wrecking ball!

We brought in the New Year with an actual midnight kiss this year. It might be the first time we made it to midnight together. We had the BEST anniversary celebration since we got married. Maybe that sounds sad...but, we've had a ton of stuff going on over the past 5 anniversaries that kept us from having a super exciting time. In fact, it dawned on me that we've never had an anniversary without kids. We got married in December 2008, then had Gage in December of 2009, a couple of weeks before our anniversary.

We went to Cru (Wine Bar in Allen) to have dinner and a delicious bottle of wine. We aren't big wine drinkers. Well, Curtis isn't. I only have a glass of wine or a single drink on occasion since alcohol and teaching 50 billion classes at the gym every week aren't a great combo. Anyway, we actually had our wedding dinner at Cru in Plano, so it was totally awesome to go back to celebrate last night. It was a spur of the moment idea. Thankfully they had room for us, sans reservation. Shout out to Cru in Allen for being totally awesome and helping us celebrate last night!

I have joined a couple of accountability groups to improve my spiritual fitness. First of all, Beth Moore's Scripture Memory Team 2015! Join us there if you're interested!! Also, Michelle Myers over at She Works His Way is doing a yearly Bible reading plan you can join and follow along with. Today is John chapter 1. Just a chapter. That's all.

My first scripture to memorize (we will be doing 24 verses of our own choosing) is Galations 6:9 "Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." & I have not actually done my January 1 bible reading yet, but there is time!

If you have known me only over the past couple of years, this may seem slightly different than you have known of me. It's really easy to say you're a believer and attribute good things to the Lord and ask for His direction occasionally through prayer. I had a serious discussion with myself as I turned 30 last month and I can openly admit that my walk with Jesus has been on the back burner for far too long. I will share in another separate post about that since I feel like it deserves its own.

Basically, this is a new year for all of us. I just turned 30, so I feel even more inclined to live my life more intentionally. Let's make it count!

2014 is out the door!

Whew!!!!! I am fighting off something....germs...allergies (in December, why not?) and have very little voice left. Curtis loves those days - I HAVE to talk less because my voice is tired. But, today we are celebrating the upcoming new year just like everyone else. Additionally, we celebrate SIX years of marriage today.

Six years, five addresses, four dogs (just one with us now), three and a half years of Everything Garage Doors running full time on it's own, two kids, and one rollercoaster ride I wouldn't have wanted to ride with anyone else. I could have had a MUCH more boring life, but life as an Avary has been full of passion. The good kind and the bad kind. :)

We have a five year old and a 2 1/2 year old, I just turned 30, we are both running our own businesses and living our dream of making our own schedule. We have learned to continually trust the Lord for our provision and He has really blessed us both this year with a growing business and healthy kids. Let me just tell you, I don't do fitness for the money. Everything Garage Doors does the bill paying, and my sweat pays for other stuff.

I launched my Texas Fit Chicks boot camp this past July, and it's been such a fun time working with these ladies. I've watched them transform their bodies and put themselves first (5am Boot Camp is NOT for the faint of heart!) and become more awesome chicks! I am looking forward to expanding that business in 2015. Email me for the details if you're interested Jodie@texasfitchicks.com.

Our big boy started Pre-K this past August. As I predicted, he loves school! He gets in a little trouble here and there, but he enjoys learning and I love seeing him thrive. I know he will be ready for Kindergarten next fall....but, of course, we're not speaking of that right now. ACK! Really, he is starting school. I am not ready for that.

Cade is not a baby anymore. He talks (back) and uses the big boy potty and has transitioned into a big boy bed. He is SO different from Gage, yet still so much alike. Not having grown up around siblings, it's such an interesting experience seeing the relationship they have. Oh, and letting them wrestle without worrying too much - that's a challenge!

I could go a lot more in depth about 2014, but I'll wrap up this post for now. Be sure to go check out my Fitness blog Pursuing Fitness!

A little of this, a little of that, and BOOM! Greens Facial!

As I have said before, you can check out any and all products discussed in this blog post at My It Works! Website . Additionally, you can find my Facebook page for It Works! here.

I wrote about how much I love the Confianza from It Works! earlier this month. Now, I would like to tell you about my favorite "secret" product from It Works!

I have had skin issues as an adult. Seriously, I was darn near 20 and a junior in college when I started breaking out in some horrible twist of fate. I slid through high school with only a couple of blemishes each month around that lovely hormone cycle called the Circle of Life.

Anyway, since having my precious children, who ruined my belly skin with stretch marks but cleared up my face for the most part, I am back to breaking out monthly. I take INCREDIBLY obsessive care of my skin and have started using what we call the Greens Facial a couple times during my breakouts. It's a simple combo of the Greens and the Defining Gel. Mix them together to make a little gel mask and slather on that face. Wear for 45 mins (or overnight, in the last two cases of my own use!) while it dries and then wash off. It's a bit tingly from the Defining Gel, and it smells LOVELY from the Berry flavored Greens. The Citrus flavored Greens are also delish!

Bonus, you will be using the Greens and Defining Gel for their originally intended uses anyway, so you might as well make a mask and get a little extra out of it!

I totally love that it looks like I have a unibrow. Curtis is such a lucky man!

90 Day Update

I looked at saw that it was the beginning of November since my last blog post.  I know that my need to write is usually tied up in how I am feeling. Overwhelmed. I wrote a LOT after Gage was born, because as I openly discussed, I was dealing with some post partum depression.

Now, this is not my "Cry for Help" post. I just realize that I am kind of OVER the baby phase we have lived in the last three years. Like, I LOVE having my boys, and I know I should bite my tongue before complaining about how much they require because there are so many women who never get to experience this, but as Gage gets older, I am appreciating that he can put his own shoes on and typically can tell me what he wants/needs. Oh, and understands when mommy needs a "time out" for herself.

Cade is screeching and getting into everything and it's exhausting trying to corral him. He babbles words now and then, but he prefers to use squawking as a means to communicate. As we draw VERY close to his first birthday - just a little more than 2 months way - I feel like doing a dance. I am still TWO YEARS away from being 30 and am DONE with the baby phase. I still have a lot of time left to be with my husband and watch my kids grow up into people and just enjoy life after surviving the world of babies.

I suggested some form of permanent baby prevention to Curtis. Let's just say I am no longer allowed to use the word "vasectomy" in our home. He responds to this suggestion as if I kicked him directly in his aforementioned area. So I am all, fine tie up my tubes and let's move on. But he's even against that! Like "What Dr will do that to a 28 yr old? You shouldn't make that decision until you're like 35." Let's pretend there are not some deep seated chauvinistic tones to that comment and get to the real point here: Curtis is still flirting with the idea of having another baby sometimes. At this point, I will be ready to go all Sister Wives and find another mommy to have that baby. I know I am putting myself out there for a lot of ridicule if I end up pregnant again, but I think the Lord knows my heart and knows that I am not mentally capable of handling another child. I will be checking myself in to somewhere with padded rooms and those nice jackets that tie in the back.

Anyway, I am starting to understand why so many moms go back to school. Once your kids are of a certain age, you kind of need SOMETHING to do after the first three weeks of "Me Time". Like, when they need you so little in comparison to the baby stage, you sort of need to re-purpose your life if you weren't doing something along with raisin' them babies. 

My pre-children love was Group Exercise. Which is ironic considering I am completely OUT of shape even though I am approximately 5-10 lbs more than I was prior to kids. I am just ready to get a little more purpose now that Cade is almost a year old and Gage is a mere two years away from starting Kindergarten (cue my anxiety attack here). I am mentally prepping for getting back in shape and teaching hopefully by summer. Who knows. But, at least I have my wheels turning.

The boys are absolutely precious (usually) and I am crazy about my husband (most of the time). Now, on to find something for Me.

Day Seven

Today I am thankful for my job at FBC Plano. I work about 25 hours a week between the two programs and I am able to see my kids during MDO - and go nurse my little monster who gives the proverbial middle finger to drinking from a bottle. And, since I work in the afternoons from 3-6 every day, the boys stay home with Curtis who has changed his schedule to allow me to work without needing childcare. So, I am able to make enough money to make a difference, but my babies are with us and not in a full time day care all day.

Side note: MDO is a great two day a week program for babies 6 weeks to Pre-K and your kids will love it - and you can have a little break too! Check out Mother's Day Out in Plano

Day Six

I am SO thankful for online banking and online bill pay. If I had to mail checks and payments places, we would never have electricity and I would probably overdraft the bank account weekly. Technology can be a blessing like that!

Day Five

Today I am thankful for a mom who, in spite of being younger when she had me, instilled values in me that have continued with me into adulthood. My mother is compulsively honest and has always done things with integrity. That is so rare. I hope I can raise my boys with the same level of moral values so they can be considered trustworthy to others. My mother is dependable and a genuinely good person, and for that I am thankful.

Day Four

Today I am thankful for the 6 month breastfeeding relationship I have had with Cade. I really wanted to be successful at it since I struggled and subsequently gave up with Gage when he was barely 6 WEEKS old. We have been blessed with a good supply, no clogged ducts, infections or really even any pain. It's been a blessing to have this chance and my only regret is that the kid won't take a bottle. But, we are working on the sippy cup. I figure why worry about the bottle when he is already this old and can start working with a cup anyway.

Day Three

I am thankful for our family that takes Gage to do fun stuff. Uncle Scott & Aunt Miranda take Gage almost every weekend, and Uncle Dean & Aunt Suzanne even took Gage to a birthday party today. He loves his extended family and it makes me feel really good to know that they want to spend time with our kids and love them just as much as we do.

Day Two

I am thankful that my husband takes the time to connect with me and make sure we can celebrate many more years together. We have two small children and they take a lot of time and energy, but he has been making sure that we are getting time together, even if we have to steal a few moments at a time.

Day One

Today we stayed home from MDO because both kids were sick. I'm glad we made that decision because Gage got progressively worse. Poor baby. So, even though he is sick, I am SO very thankful that neither of my children have any sort of life threatening or terminal illness. They were born without any health issues, missing heart valves, or even any stomach issues that a lot of babies have. They are handsome and healthy and for THAT I am thankful.

The 4th Trimester

I have been uncharacteristically silent the past couple of months. I know, I was all "dear Gage" every month when he was born. I did that for my sanity. I have enjoyed Cade's first weeks so much more than I did with Gage. And, that's what I will tell them when Cade is all "why didn't you write me a letter those first months?" - I will say "After I had your brother I was totally depressed and confused about my new role as mommy. With you, it just happened to be wonderful."

Here's why: Baby #2 means you've already survived raising the first one for at least a few months. This isn't my first rodeo. I knew what to expect - the horrible no sleeping, crying, fussing, trying to figure out what baby wants. Baby #1 is always an experiment. I get now why people have 4 kids. You get better at it and feel like an awesome parent each time you figure new things out as you add the kids.

Personally, I think having a summer baby is a lot easier on the depression factor. You can get out with your newborn when its warm outside. Gage was born during a cold winter with a LOT of snow and ice. Also, breastfeeding is a lot easier on the sleep factor. Cade cries, I whip out the boobie and hook him up to it. It requires very little effort. And, please be jealous when I say that I have not had to get out of bed ONCE in the middle of the night the last three months. Since we aren't judging each other on our parenting choices, you don't have to be mad. We co-sleep. We breast feed. I wear Cade around like a kangaroo mommy in his Moby wrap. I am a bit more of a hippie mama with this one. I even debated cloth diapers this time around.

I have just had a much more positive experience with Cade's first few months. If I had written letters they would have looked something like this:

Dear Cade - One Week (May 11th)
You're just one week old now. It's Mothers Day weekend and your daddy's 36th birthday. We had SO much help this week from my wonderful friends who cleaned, brought us food, brought gifts for you and your brother. This helped set the pace for the next few weeks. Your daddy hasn't had much chance to hold you since you've been on my boob most of the day. But, you are doing great and I am getting to shower every day, so I will chalk that up as a victory. Ow, breastfeeding hurts a little more than I'd like, but we are going to make it!
Love, Mommy

Dear Cade - One Month (June 4)
Well, I have come close to deciding that I won't be returning to my job. Two kids in daycare is a lot of money and Frisco is a long drive from home. I am delighted to be at home with you, but Gage is getting a little Cabin Fever. We have gone out a few places here and there and I think it's been a lot easier than I expected. Something about not having to carry bottles and formula is very liberating. We nursed in public for the first time. At the McDonald's inside of Walmart. The epitome of not fancy. So, I didn't feel one bit awkward. You don't want anyone except for me, and you're totally offending everyone by being so prejudice. You like daddy only when he doesn't have a shirt on and you can get skin to skin contact. He's a very warm daddy, so you guys bond a little bit like that. We also attended Wes & Stephanie's wedding and you did AWESOME! You ate during the ceremony and then slept in the sling the whole evening. Everyone commented on how good of a baby you were being. I was so proud of you. I can already tell you're going to be easier on me than your brother. I love you so much. You've managed to make my heart grow even more with your life. Being mommy to two boys is such a blessing.
Love, Mommy

Dear Cade - Two Months (July 4)
We have made it two full months of breastfeeding!!! I only made it about 6 weeks with your brother, so I am VERY proud of this accomplishment. Every day from here is a victory. We went to Grandpa Gary's this weekend to hang out for the holiday and they agreed you're getting big and you're adorable. We have also been going to play with Gus & Emmerson for a couple of weeks, and you seem to enjoy their attention as much as they like playing with you. When you're awake and not eating, of course. Which is not often. You seem to have hit a nursing cluster feeding stage and OW it hurts a little bit again. I took you up to my old job and they all said you were precious and totally understood why I wouldn't be returning to work there. You're starting to be awake more and have cute smiles and the TALKING just kills me. You're so chatty. I don't remember Gage being this talkative. I love it. You like playing and kicking on the playmat and the bath tub is a lot of fun. I'm so glad you like the water. It's been so much more of a breeze with you. Thank you for being such a sweet, easy baby. Even though you're not totally in love with your dad yet, I know you'll come around once you realize that even though he doesn't have boobies, he is pretty awesome. You're an absolute JOY to have, sweet baby. I will try and do a little better at the letters from here on out.
Love, Mommy

So, that's everything in a nutshell. We made it this far!!!

My husband is my hero

That might sound a little silly to you, or perhaps like I'm being overly dramatic. But, if you had been in our house over the last nine months while I was pregnant with Cade, you'd probably wonder why Curtis hadn't just up and left to get away from my insanity.

Then, a week before my due date, we conclude that Cade was indeed breech. He had, in fact, never been head down for the duration of my pregnancy. So, of course the option of a C-Section comes up and I start to panic, and act even more horrendous to Curtis. I will write a whole other post about that and the birth experience later. This is about my husband. He deserves more than a blog post of praise for all he's done and does for us every day. He has started his own business, provided for our family, played with our son, helped cook dinner, not complained when things weren't done or he couldn't find any clean underwear because everything was still sitting in the dryer. He was a one man show with the business this last year, handling marketing, sales calls, appointments, physically DOING the work, making bank deposits AND dealing with the drama queen he's married to. Let's just say, I may have gotten compliments on how "glowing" I was during this pregnancy, but I did not wear the hormone changes well. Again, I am surprised Curtis didn't leave the country and change his name to escape my aggressive rage. (I have a theory about being pregnant with a boy and perhaps the amount of testosterone in a woman's body being higher because of it.)

We can joke (a little) now about how he totally freaked out when Gage was born. That's a story I will leave up to him to share - but he's admitted that he didn't react well to the whole birth experience, being in the hospital, etc. etc. This time, he was absolutely wonderful. He got a tiny bit of cabin fever, but was able to run a few errands (like running home to walk the dogs and bring me Starbucks BOTH mornings after Cade was born) to get out and breathe. He took care of putting baby gifts in the car and taking them home and cleaning out the car completely before we left the hospital. He ate every meal with me, and brought me Gatorade and juice and dropped off AND picked up my prescriptions for pain medication. Which, yes, I have needed because the effects of nursing are similar to mild contractions this time around. The nurse mentioned that the cramping gets worse with each subsequent pregnancy. That ensures this is our last baby!

When we came home, our fridge/freezer had done that thing where its all frozen over and cant keep anything cold - so we lost A LOT of food, and Curtis had to defrost it over night. He scraped and used a blow dryer to get the ice out. Went and bought ice and borrowed an extra cooler from the neighbor to save what we could and make sure we had a gallon of milk for Gage to have his milk. He brought home lunch on Monday since mostly everything was in the trash and I wasn't exactly up for cooking. He cooked dinner on the grill that night and last night too!

He has always been pretty "go with the flow" and this time around, he was wholly supportive and stayed by my side the entire weekend. I struggled with depression after Gage was born. I was hurt that Curtis wasn't as supportive by staying at the hospital, although we both know in retrospect that he was just as freaked out as anyone could be. He panicked. That's ok. We've moved on. He more than made up for it with this labor and delivery. I am successfully nursing Cade (something I will write ANOTHER post about). I have all the support and love of my husband for that as well. But, I feel like we're on the right foot this time around. He made the biggest difference in that I think. I told my best friend that I felt more like I am in an "afterglow" than the darkness I felt with Gage. I've only cried twice - once when this guy took my parking spot at Walmart, and once when I felt like Curtis misunderstood what I said. Both a little silly, but I know I had cried a lot more with Gage by this point. I truly put a lot of weight on Curtis's actions this time - he's the biggest reason I don't want to drive my car off a bridge this time around.

I know I am pretty open about how I feel most of the time, but it's been a REALLY long time since I have been encouraging to my husband. I haven't made the time to appreciate him. Let alone TELL him I appreciate him. I've mostly bashed him verbally - to his face, mind you. I don't talk bad about my husband much to other people. I save that for him personally. I know - awful!!!!!!

I could go on, and I know that I've left things out, but this has taken me 4 days to write between feedings and naps. I think I've made my point. I certainly hope Curtis knows how much he means to me, and I want everyone else to know how blessed I am. Feel free to remind me of that when I complain later about having two boys who fart in my bed every morning after they wake up.

The Birth of Baby #2

Clearly I haven't HAD the baby yet. But, all of a sudden, it's become painfully real that he will be here in a week. Sweet baby is breech. Like, head up under my ribs, spine down by pelvis breech. And, that means that he's never turned head down. I know this based on sonograms and that I distinctly remember BOTH times Gage turned head down.

Yep, we've had this little problem before. Gage turned head down in the late 20 something weeks, then he decided it would be fun to flip back at about 37 weeks. My OB at the time offered to schedule a c-section at 38 weeks, but I had so much time before my due date, I wanted to wait it out. I went back at 38 weeks and Gage was still breech, so she referred me to a doctor who did inversions (manually and externally moving the baby - don't look for that on YouTube) for that afternoon. Gage turned at lunch time, while I was sitting in a lawn chair, having Thanksgiving lunch at Curtis's work. I went to the appointment and they confirmed he was head down. Moving along, we had Gage 3 days after my due date via induction and labor with an epidural.

This time around, he hasn't turned. Next Friday, may 4th is my due date. Most of you may not know that I've done a lot of educating myself and research and had decided that this time around, I wanted to have everything NATURAL. I even looked into a birth center birth, but didn't find one I liked that my insurance would cover. That's fine. I'm not trying to have a baby at home or anything so I skipped the midwife/doula option and found a doctor and made my desires clear. My OB is 100% supportive of letting everything happen naturally. Except for in the case of this breech baby. There are a lot of people who might get vocal about how midwives and birth centers and even home births (especially in other civilized countries) will deliver a breech baby. Maybe if he was feet first. MAYBE. But, his butt is where his head should be, and there's no way this boy is coming out folded in half like a taco, ass first.So, she scheduled the C-section for the day he was due, and I sort of resigned myself to it.

EDITED to add the Birth Story!

I actually ended up sobbing in our bed at 11:30pm the day before we were suppose to arrive at the hospital at 5am and basically panicking. I decided to participate in some last minute denial and just planned that maybe, perhaps, the baby would turn sometime before they cut into my abdomen the next day.

What happens next is an absolute miracle as far as I am concerned. We go to the hospital, get checked in, they're prepping me for surgery. But, just like my Doctor promised, she did one last sonogram just to humor me before they were going to roll me into surgery. Much to my delight, my sweet baby TURNED and was head down and ready to start the labor process.

My OB told me we should go ahead and induce and take advantage of him being head down. I was game. I knew the pitocin drip may not be ideal for my all natural birth plan, but hey THIS KID WAS HEAD DOWN AND IN PLACE. We started the pitocin at 8am. I labored til a little after 12 without any meds or an epidural.But, I was starving (they didn't let me eat after midnight or after they induced with the pitocin) and didn't enjoy laboring without any energy. So, I got an epidural and labored another few hours. Cade Corbin Avary was born at 6:18pm and weighed 7lbs 11oz.

All in all, Cade arrived perfectly and even though things didn't go exactly as I had planned, he was healthy and perfect and we'll keep him.