Gage: 19 & 20 Months Letter

Dear Little Acorn,
We have had a whirlwind past couple of months. I've been adjusting to a new job. You've been totally awesome. You now have all your teeth in. Even your cute little canines. It's weird to see you running around like a toddler now. And, it seems like every month I always talk about how you're NOT A BABY ANYMORE. But, I think it's true now. You are starting to use almost complete sentences. You sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" pretty clearly. You're ridiculously smart. I'm not the only one who thinks that either. You genuinely surprise me with the things you know or say.

You can finally say "school bus" correctly. But, you're new non-sensical word is yogurt. You pronounce it to something that sounds like "wee day". You were saying it one afternoon and your dad had no idea what you were asking for. And, then we went to the store the next day and as I was unpacking the groceries, you said "wee day!" and pointed to the yogurt. Mystery solved!
You tell us when you're tired. You say "hungry" and climb into your high chair. You love to get on our bed and roll around and have us throw you onto it.

You've been staying the night with your Uncle Scott & Aunt Miranda after she keeps you on Fridays during the day. You're always pissed when you come home. I think it's because they let you have your own bag of chips and don't make you go to bed at 7. They are crazy about you and they were both sad to see you leave this morning after a long TWO night stay. Yep, you stayed from Thursday morning to Saturday morning this week. It was kinda hard on me, but you're always in good hands and I know you have a blast over there.

On Monday, you'll be starting at a new in home daycare that's on the way to my work. Meaning, I get to see you in the mornings a little more and drop you off at the babysitter every day. They use the Little Acorn curriculum, hence you're my little acorn this letter. There are some 4 yr olds and two kids around your age there. I think you'll have a blast with all the new friends. You're very social and didn't waste any time running around their house checking out all the toys and stuff when we went there to interview. I'm just trusting that you'll do well like you always seem to.

You're drinking out of an open cup well. You can feed yourself "wee day" without TOO much mess. Of course, I still strip you if I let you feed yourself. And, I very rarely feed you anymore. You're too dang independent for that! You like to sit on the potty and then get in the bathtub and pee. At least you're aware of the process. Heck, I pee in the shower too. All that warm water...

You're wearing 2T clothes now. They're a little big, but 18 months look a little silly on you sometimes. You growl and show us your muscles. You are doing well with animal sounds and recognition. You pretend to count, and if I say ONE, you'll say TWO. Even when I am giving you a countdown to a spanking. Which brings me to...yes we spank you. Trust me, kid, you need it sometimes. You LOVE to say NO. You love to be your own little independent self. And, I DO love that about you. I don't think I can deal with a whiny, needy kid. That sounds horrible, right? It's called being real, kiddo. I'm going to teach you to be that way too.

I miss you when I'm at work. I really do. But, there's a lot of good that can come from it too. It's just a phase of life that we'll get through. You're an incredible little person. I am always so proud of you...except for when you pick your nose at the grocery store. I find that rather embarrassing.

I love you to the moon and back, sweet baby boy!
Love, Mommy

WTH Happened to July?

Well, the last time I posted, I was about to start a new job. And, I think I even promised to update you after the first week. So, I'm either a liar, or really busy. Let's go with busy since I pride myself on my honesty.
So, I've been at this new job for about 5 weeks. It's 100 times better than the last job. And, the fact they they're paying me more is a definite factor. Gage has still been going to Miss Chris, and my sister in law's houses during the week. I miss him a lot, of course. Curtis is working hard, and July is always a slow month for us, and that's probably a blessing since it's been 100 degrees every damn day this month.
However, we are in a transition because Gage is going to start full time daycare at FBC Plano on August 15th (that is, once I get his paperwork turned in...). I'm a little sad about him being officially in "school" every day. But, I know it's a great opportunity for him to play with friends his age, learn stuff, do stuff, have a set routine. And, they're like 90 seconds from our house. Can't even hate on that! I sorta skipped Gage's 19 month letter, so I will combine the letter for months 19 & 20 next weekend.You can get a full update on his antics then...
So, I don't hate my job, business could be a little better - but we're continuously trusting the Lord for new customers - it's really hot all the time right now, and Gage is getting so big it's seriously making me want another baby. But, that will be next year, Lord willing. I want the baby, don't really want to go through being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the pregnancy with Gage. But, I hate being tired and moody all the time. (this is where Curtis would comment that I'm moody and tired all the time now) I don't think I can chase a toddler and be pregnant and work full time and not lose my mind right now.
Well, we have a couple friends coming over tonight, and I have to clean up around here...story of my life. Cleaning.

About to get "dooced"

That's not even close to what you're thinking, I assure you. Dooce.com is a blog that I love and is actually the blog that inspired me to start this one. You should stop by and read it. Heather is as unapologetic as I wish I could be. She grew up Mormon (is no longer a practicing one) and she isn't afraid to talk about poop. That's my fair warning. But, her website became the thing that caused her to lose her full time office job. Hence, "dooced" came to mean getting fired for your blog. It was a question on Jeopardy last year, so that's about as legit as it gets.

Anyway, I took today off work. I hate that job. Let me tell you, getting paid $10/hr to do something so incredibly pointless is a joke. The service they offer, property preservation, is a fine one. But, there's just a lot of moving around, "cross-training" and basic disorganization that gets to me. Also, working with 15-20 females gets hormonal. Everyone has an issue with someone. And, it's not doing something I've done before, so I'm not super great at it, not very fast at producing the required documents, and that makes me feel like a loser. So, getting paid $10/hr to feel like a loser and not really make any decent friends because they keep moving people around (and firing people who suck at their job).

Enter: A NEW JOB!! Man, the Lord knows my heart and prepares a way for me. My sweet friends helped me find a new job, getting paid more (see: I can pay my Gage watching ladies a little closer to what they deserve - but how can you put a price on excellent childcare? YOU CANT!) and working as an administrative assistant in an office where I can wear high heels and not jeans. I'm just glad for something that should be a lot more enjoyable and better pay and eventual benefits with a great sounding company. I'm starting tomorrow. Yep, tomorrow. That means I've got to let this current place know I'm leaving, while still managing to swing by and collect my desk of snacks and my picture of Gage from my desk. I've gotta time that perfectly.

So, instead of getting fired for bitching about this job that sucks, it looks like God had prepared everything in advance so that I could start a new job at a place that I will stay and not hate. With just one day off between working. It's a nice day off too. Spending time with my little man and getting to see my big man as soon as he's done working today.

If ya gotta work, you'd better like what you do. Curtis works his butt off - seriously that man has NO fat on his body. He's also ridiculously strong and a great kisser...oh wait, I digress - but he loves his job. He says he's living his dream, working for himself. He's got a 5 year plan. He's even talking about having TWO more kids if the business gets to where he hopes it will. I reminded him that if we had money for two more kids, then we'd better have money to put my body back into it's original glory like when he met me. :)

I feel like the Lord is blessing our way...I'm meaning more that we are inside of God's will for us and we are enjoying His favor. "It's been a hard year, but we're climbing out of the rubble," That's not my lyric so I won't take credit. Sara Groves' album with this song was the soundtrack to my life when I first met Curtis.

I'm just beside myself with excitement about this change. And, glad I don't have to jeopardize my job by writing on the internet about how much I hate it.

Life's a....

Well, I will let you finish that for yourself since my husband prefers to censor my language so that everyone thinks I'm a nice girl.

This week has been the most bizarre week I think we've had in as long as I can remember. On Tuesday Curtis found out that a customer/friend had passed away from a heart attack less than a day after Curtis had spent almost two hours talking and hanging out with him making arrangements to fix his garage door. Blindsided. We were shocked and really saddened by this loss because although he didn't know him for long, Curtis really liked Joe. He was an older, incredible Christian man who had spent time praying with Curtis and just talking about life, much like an older brother in Christ would do.

Then, I get an email wherein I am told that I am a liar, that I've made up things that happened in my childhood. That the things that have shaped my entire life were figments of my imagination. I was just dumbfounded. I wish I could say that I was outraged, but really I just felt sorry for the person. If they can deny their part in ruining my childhood, then they're the ones who need help. Because I have moved on with my life. I had to deal with it, decide to make decisions as an adult and choose healing. And, their exit from my life means little to me.

Curtis has been incredibly busy this week with work. He's probably had a record week since we've completely branched out on our own. God is certainly blessing our business.

I've adjusted to working full time, I suppose. I miss my sweet Chunky Monkey. I feel like he's getting big and growing up behind my back. He's showing his smarts by using new words every single day. Curtis has been talking to me more and more about having another baby. I definitely want to add to our family. I just want to make sure we've got the best timing possible given the financial situation. I know, I know. There's never ENOUGH money to have another baby. But, having health insurance with maternity coverage would greatly help the situation!

I am just ready for this week to be over...

Gage: Eighteen Month Letter

Honey,
I only THOUGHT you were repeating everything we said. You now CLEARLY repeat everything we say. I called across the room to get your dad's attention the other day by saying "Honey" and you immediately starting calling him Honey. There's still some things you don't quite have figured out yet, but you say them consistently. Like "fan" is "wah". And "school bus" is "scoo-ti".

Here's the part I couldn't bear to open with: I went back to work this past week. I started a new job last Tuesday. You've been playing at Miss Chris's house 3 days and Uncle Scott & Aunt Miranda's house the other two. You haven't had any tears or separation issues with me dropping you off. I am very proud that you're so well adjusted, but part of me wishes you missed me at least a little.

You really are getting bigger every day. You just got your first hair cut with the buzzers and you held still and totally loved it. You look a lot more like a little boy and less like a baby though and it makes me sad. I think it helps me adjust to being away from you though. Being a toddler makes you seem more capable of handling it. Who am I kidding? I think I'm the one who is handling it the worst.

In fact, I'm not that motivated to write this letter....you're EIGHTEEN months old...that's a year and a half. And it's gone by so quickly. I think about you while I'm at work. I try and decide what you're doing based on what time it is. I miss your chunkies. I think about gobbling your cheeks. You're such a litle sweetheart and you're so smart.

You've started getting more beligerent this past month. You're so stubborn and we've had to step up with our discipline and rules and follow through. Translation: you've been getting more spankings. Judge not, people. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Maybe that's why your kids a brat all the time. Well, that, or they don't get enough sleep.

Gage, you're just more and more of your own little person each month. There has been a fine tuning of your skills this past month. You speak more clearly. You understand us more. You are incredibly smart because you very obviously understand things that we say and ask you. You really love to help us. Of course, sometimes that means you close the fridge and push hard when I am standing there trying to pour you some juice. And, that's annoying. But, I get that you want to help by closing the door.

You're very concerned with certain routines that we do. You like to shut the door and turn off your own light when I take you into your room to go to sleep at night. You like to close the back door when the dogs come inside. You like to ask for cookies for breakfast.

I'm really close to wanting to give you a sibling. I miss your cuddly babyness. I love how you're growing into a little boy with so much personality and energy and life. You would love a baby. You've been really sweet around other babies. And you're very gentle and you like to touch their toes.

This letter is pretty much depressing for me. I don't feel like facing the fact that you're already a year and a half old. Stop growing up!!!!

Love,
Mommy

What exhausts me the most...

So,it's been crazy at home with my beloved soul mate and our precious offspring...and three dogs and our recent decision to move the dining table into the office and the computer desk into the living room. We decided it was easier to stay on top of marketing and business with the computer in the room we spend the most time. It annoyed me to have Curtis be in the 3rd bedroom we used as an office on the computer while I wrestled the 4 creatures underfoot.

We've spent a ridiculous amount of time together over the past few weeks since it's been slow going with new business. Let me just say, I am learning to fake being nice to even my husband some days. I know he doesn't love ALL the quality time we've had either...except he doesn't yet know how to fake being nice.

What exhausts me the most is the non=stop juggling of everything at once.Grocery shopping is no longer a time to hang out alone...Curtis wants to get out of the house too. Peeing has never been a solo event for me, but it's now an Avary family reunion every time I sit down. And, here I thought that with my husband home more, I would shower more...well, cross that off the list of things I thought would be different. I think I shower less...in my defense, so does he! Awesome. No worries about baby #2 showing up sooner than we plan.

The thing that balances it all out is that we are DOING SOMETHING. For ourselves and for our future. We're working to leave something behind that counts. A business for our children to have and continue if they choose to.

****HERE'S THE CONTINUATION FROM MY LAST POST ABOUT WORKING****

This past week, I was suppose to go to a sort of working interview for a part time job on Wednesday morning. After a lot of agonizing, I decided to turn it down and did not go to the interview because it sounded great, but part time would not have been as beneficial to us as I had hoped. So, when I should have been at the interview, I ended up getting a phone call from a recruiter about a job I had applied for through their job posting site. She set up an interview with me for Friday morning.

I drove downtown to meet her at her office about a job with their client in Allen. That's how it works. You have to meet them first, and then they send your resume, and you hopefully go for a second interview at the actual office where you'll work. And, I did have one. I went that same afternoon and met with HR, and a direct manager, and they hired me on the spot. I could tell they liked me, and I really liked them too. They had two positions available, and they even asked me which I would prefer since they felt I would be a good fit. And, here's the kicker: I think my experience in the home repair service industry with our garage door repair business helped me the most. They liked that I had experience negotiating and getting bids for home repairs.

The Lord made it pretty obvious to me at that moment. The peace I had been looking for about working was evident. It's SO close to home. I have made arrangements for Baby Gage to be cared for by two people I absolutely love (Brittany, and my sister in law Miranda). They're taking a couple of days a piece so that no one gets stuck with our bundle of energy every single day. It's a lot to ask, I feel. He can be pretty difficult sometimes. What am I saying? ALL THE TIME. He's at 100% ALL DAY LONG. He doesn't do anything halfway. HE'S EXHAUSTING!

But, I digress (of course, every conversation or blog from me is just a bunch of rabbit chasing bunched together to seem like a flowing experience). Everything is ready to go. Except I'm a little sad because I've been with my baby since he was born. I think he's at an age where he's old enough to be away from me for a while every day. He's incredibly social and loves his friends and family. I just feel at peace about it. Health insurance after about 90 days sounds great too. Baby #2 anyone? :)

So, I'm going back to work. I feel good about it. I have lots of new fun stuff for Gage like new forks and spoons and Disney tupperware for his lunches. He's going to have a blast playing. And, I am going to rock this new job, our business will grow exponentially, and we will spend our time thanking Jesus for all He's done in our lives.

It's All Cyclical

Last year around this time I was going back to work. I went to work one day, and decided I couldn't leave my precious 5 month old baby.You can read about it here.
It's not lost on me that even though that last post was on a Monday, that the DATE IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS TODAY'S DATE. Cue The Twilight Zone theme song.

This time around, we've launched out on our own with our Garage Door Repair Business and Curtis is working for only himself. We've been making a lot of advancements growing our business, but it's still a little stressful. And, it would be nice if we had some more capital to help get things going strong. Also, I would love to have reasonably priced health insurance for all of us instead of just Gage. Thank the Lord we've all been well.

So, I decided to start looking for a job and posted my updated resume online. Basically, I'm thinking about going back to work, again. This time, however, I am not going to chicken out and quit after one day. I was suppose to have an interview for a job that's doing EXACTLY what I did before I had Gage and started being a stay at home mommy. But, in one day's time, the girl who was leaving decided to stay and therefore they no longer needed a replacement.

So, I spent our last MOPS meeting in tears thinking it was my last MOPS meeting ever, and I could've been not so stressed out. Because, yes, I am still looking for a job, but it's not like it's starting Monday.

I will definitely miss my big boy. But, he's a lot bigger now. He will be staying with Brittany (and Hannah & Noah) to play while we work - and I couldn't be happier with that option. She takes the kids places, and has more motherhood experience than I do. So, it's pretty ideal. And Gage LOVES them.

But, business has picked up a little (as in people are calling because there for about a week we didn't get any calls and I wondered if my phone was broken. It was like being in high school and waiting for that boy to call. Yes, I did a little bit of that. I mostly had a serious boyfriend after the age of 15 so I wasn't heartsick sitting by the phone a whole lot) and I feel a smidgen better. I know it's about trusting God, and battling Satan's attacks, but that doesn't make it all that simple to handle each and every day.

I certainly have thought and even said to Curtis "I am at the edge of what I can handle right now." Of course, God won't bring us to something that He won't go through with us. Knowing the outcome sure would make things more manageable. I have a frustratingly good memory and I have that constant voice in my head that quotes Scripture in the middle of my fears and doubts. I have a verse or bible based song lyric for just about anything one might struggle with in life. And it's on a record that plays the appropriate phrase at the most opportune time. Perhaps that's what we call the Holy Spirit at work.

So, it's mid-May and I'm thinking about working. And, I would love a part time job. Of course, a full time job with benefits would be acceptable. However, I am simply unclear as to what God's plan is in all of this. All I know is God is God and I am NOT.

I have little to no insight as to what I should be doing. All I know is that I am going to TRY and find a job and the Lord knows if I get an offer that I will take it. So, I am trusting Him to not let anyone offer me a job if that's not what I am suppose to do. And praying for wisdom and inspiration for growing our business and getting customers. And, praying for peace.

Just do me a favor. If you live in the metroplex and you have a garage door or opener related issue...CALL ME!!!!!!! 214-228-1316

Gage: Seventeen Month Letter

Dear Wild-ling,

Your 17 months of life coincides with Mother's Day this year. This is officially my second Mother's Day, though technically it's my third because I knew I was pregnant with you in May of 2009. Today you were pretty much as good as I could have hoped for. You slept til 8am (such a great gift in and of itself!!) and we went to church, had lunch, and you took a good afternoon nap for me. You are so wild and crazy these days that it makes up for the horrendous fits you're throwing when you don't get your way. So, here's what's new with you.

You now have 12 teeth completely in. I can see your little canines are slowly coming in on the bottom because your little gums are swollen and you had a bit of a fever last weekend before the gums really started looking painful. I imagine they'll be here by your next letter.

You are starting to thin down a little and really look more like a boy and less like a baby. My, God, the WORDS!!! The words you're saying. You repeat everything now. You said "love you" the first time this week when your dad and I were exchanging "goodbye's" and "i love you's" as he left for work one morning. Today I got you to slowly repeat "Happy Mommy Day" to me, one word at a time. You also said "Happy Grandma Day" to my mom when we called to say Happy Mother's Day to her.

You also repeated "Shit" 5 or 6 times in the kitchen after I let it slip in front of you. We've decided to ignore it and not make a big deal of it as we learned our lesson about reacting to things we don't really want you to do again and again, especially in public. (Because sometime in the last month you were slapping your legs in the bath tub, and then starting slapping your little package and I was so surprised that I think my reaction got your attention and you ran around the house after your bath slapping your whole crotch while we tried not to cringe or laugh.)

I can't even begin to list all the words you know and things you can say. You know lots of animals,and you're learning their sounds. You like to "count" or "spell" things as we count your toes or spell words you understand when you're around. Like when I tell your dad I don't want you to know I left your "b-l-a-n-k-i-e" at home and I hope you don't notice. Your version of counting is pointing and making different sounds as you touch each object or thing. And the abc's and spelling are similar. You're just repeating the idea of different sounds in song or rhythm.

I sat you on your little potty chair for the first time this week. You have been trying to back up to the toilet and sit when I say I have to go to the bathroom and you follow me in there. And you say "potty", you're aware of being wet, and you tell me when you're poopy.

You are getting much more difficult to manage. This mostly means we are having to discipline you more than ever. I get it though. You're part me, and part your dad. The odds are stacked against you in the stubborn department. Thank God there's two of us and only one of you!

But, in the same measure of you being difficult, you're also growing sweeter. You love to give kisses and cuddle more. You're quick to give a kiss if you accidently hurt me or I act upset with how you're treating me. You love to play with us and by yourself.

We've taken you to play in the water a couple of times now, and you're just ridculously happy by it. I know I will be taking you as often as I can to play at the splash pads and pool.

I think you're pretty damn smart. I know I'm your mom, but other people comment on your vocabulary and I am constantly surprised by what you recognize and remember, I swear the weirdest thing happened today at lunch. We went to Panera for my lunch choice. The one that your grandma and I took you to several months ago. Like before you turned one. Today we walked in the door and you took off and walked right up to the same table we had sat at inside of Panera with your grandma. I was pretty shocked. You walked through and around several tables and then walked right up to the table and stopped like you knew where we were going. It was bizarre, kiddo.

Your dad and I have launched off on our own now and he's working for himself. That means that all the work he gets comes from my marketing skills and people's word of mouth advertising. This scares me pretty badly at certain moments. It's really stressful, and I should apologize to you for all the yelling that's been going on here at home lately. But, your dad is so motivated and he tells you all the time that we are building a future for you so that you can take over the business and run it or sell it for a profit someday. Just one less thing for you to have to worry about. Your dad says he doesn't want you to have to struggle and work hard for things like we've had to. He just wants you to have the choice to have a part of our family business. A successful one. I just want to be able to pay for your college and maybe have a nice house for you to grow up in. One that you won't be embarrassed to have friends over to. And, if I think about being a little more shallow for a minute, I wouldn't mind having time and money for the gym and tanning and the spa every now and again.

Sweet boy, everything we do is so much about you. We want this to be successful for your future. We care so much for you and you're such a special gift from God. You're the light in my cloudy days. You really are my little sunshine. Your innocence reminds me to slow down and appreciate the world as it is. You teach me how to be an example for you. You are so very loved and I can't imagine life any other way than being your mommy and being married to your daddy. Things will alway get tough in life, but I know we are trying to teach you that you can rest in Jesus and always find peace and comfort, even if we aren't there with you.

I can't believe next month you'll be a year and a half old. I might skip that letter and have two shots of tequila to numb the pain of losing my baby to childhood. I pray you'll stay sweet and carefree for as long as you want. I know your dad and I had to grow up a little too quickly in some ways and I want you to be a kid and enjoy it for a very long time. Don't grow up too fast, little man.

We love you more than you'll ever know, Gage.

Love, Mommy

Serious Saturday

As pretty much everyone who has any connection to the modern world knows, yesterday was Good Friday. We spent the day with my grandparents (Gage's great-grandparents) and we had the best day we've had in a while. In all the craziness that's been going on the past two weeks, it was a nice change to spend the day with family.

We took Gage to see the Easter Bunny, and ironically, he cried BEFORE we saw the Bunny because I wouldn't let him down to run over to the Bunny. He REALLY wanted to see him, and when he did, he was just so sweet sitting there, patting the Bunny's hand and leg saying "bunny". And, he kissed the Bunny on the cheek. So, I'd say our visit was a success. This was his first time, because there's no way I was sitting my 4 month old baby on the same lap that every other germy kid had sat on last year. But, with all the dirt eating, nose picking, and letting the dogs lick his mouth over the past year, I figure he's built up his immunity enough for the onslaught of those germs. Generally, it was a great day and we all went to bed happy and exhausted.

I mentioned how growing up I always found it odd that we call it "Good Friday" when there was nothing GOOD about it. My grandmother was quick to insert that being forgiven for all our sins because of the death of Christ was pretty good news to her. Of course, we all agreed.

It inevitably makes me think of how hopeless this Saturday was for everyone who had been following Christ, and hearing Him predict His death and subsequent Resurrection, must have been.
Was He really dead? Would He really come back to life? Was there anything that they could do? My faith would have been shaken. And, many of these followers were so terrified they denied even knowing Christ. Peter denied him THREE times on this day. Peter, the one on which He said He would build His church. There must have been a collective holding of breath on this first Saturday.

There's a song by my favorite band of all time, Caedmon's Call where he sings

"It's like the long Saturday between Your death and the rising day, when no one wrote a word, wondered is this the end?"

I never thought a whole lot about this day before I heard that song several years ago. So, while you're running around, getting last minute Easter Sunday supplies (like basket stuffings, and whatever kitchen item you forgot), taking your kids to egg hunts at your local church, think about what today must have been like. We take a lot of time lamenting the beating and crucifixion of our Savior. And, we of course, celebrate His Resurrection on Sunday. But, what makes Sunday so celebratory is this long Saturday. This hopeless day. That's what makes the hope He brings so important. He died. For you. Like a criminal. Scorned like a murderer. Mocked as a phony Messiah. Buried like a pauper. Denied like a stranger.

RISEN LIKE A KING!

No time for THAT!

Following up on my last post, I have done some soul searching over the last few days because, well, sheesh, everything is in upheaval it seems. I feel like God is shaking my shoulder reminding me that He's there. I think when you get arrogant in the face of your Creator, He has a way of reminding you He's God and we're not. Mediocrity isn't what we're called to. The higher calling we have as believers is exactly that: Higher. But, it's about His righteousness, not our self righteousness. We boast in Christ or we don't boast at all. His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Who wants to admit that they're simply an ungrateful wretch? Reality is that we were all saved by Amazing Grace WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS. Yesterday I was reminded of how much I live my life for myself. Wondering what should I do for me? Wrong road to wander down in my mind.

I think I have drawn my conclusions fairly quickly although I have to say I didn't make it easy on myself: My heart's desire has always been to be a stay at home wife and mother. I've always enjoyed certain things...like writing. Hello blog people, that's why I am here - But, after I got a 2 year college degree while working almost full time, and then taking a little time off from school and trying to go back and get a Bachelor's degree, I had my "aha! moment". I was walking across the DBU campus and I thought, "I don't want this. All I want is to be a stay at home mommy, and everyone knows NO AMOUNT OF SCHOOL can prepare you for that career!"

Within the next month, I withdrew from my classes, quit my job, we all suffered the loss of a dear friend. And, I met my husband. I could stop right there and make the point enough.

Right after Curtis read my last blog, he called me and then text messaged me to say he disagreed and thinks I do NOT suck at being a wife and mom. But, the deal is, I KNOW I can put more effort into my family. I KNOW I can offer more, do more, love more, give more. I've been selfish and resentful at times at losing the "me" and "myself". I know it sucks to have less time for yourself, but I also know if I say I need it, Curtis is always ready to make sure I get it.

I'd like to blame being an only child. It's always been all about me. I have to admit to myself, though, that being a 26 year old woman, I have figured out it's not all about me. To be real, it's all about Christ. And, when you truly center your life, mind, heart, thoughts, energy and self around HIM, your perspective changes. Your reality changes.

When you're busy living your life outside of God's will, you're not going to find happiness, and you'll certainly find no peace. So, what am I going to do with my time? Devote myself to my family and our business. It's that damn simple. Stop searching when there's nothing else to be found. Find True Rest. That's what I've got time for. So, it's Spring here. New life is budding and the old deadness of Winter has passed on.

P.S. We totally got a great deal on using a timeshare for camping, of all things. It's like having a membership to a country club where we can camp and still swim in a pool and go horseback riding and lots of other junk. They, of course, wanted to sell us a 2b/2b timeshare condo, but I SAID I CAN'T BE SOLD ANYTHING I DON'T WANT. And, I got exactly what we wanted. A great place to camp out in East Texas with an indoor waterpark and a spa onsite. And, of course, the FREE 5 DAY CRUISE they promised for sitting through the ordeal. I felt slightly guilty when the salesman realized I wasn't buying the whole package. He lost his poker face for a minute. But, hey, I pride myself on being un-sellable. Who wants Gage for a week while we soak up the Mexican sun??

To everything there is a season

As you all know, I have been watching Hannah and Noah for the past 6 months, and that is coming to a close. Tomorrow is my last day watching them. Gage is going to be bummed he's not seeing his best friends every day, and I am going to be bored out of my skull if I just sit at home the days we're not at MDO anymore.

So, I have been mulling over some ideas as to what I can do with my free-er time now. I know, you're all thinking I should just go ahead and pursue my calling as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, but I wouldn't want to make all those girls feel terrible about themselves after they see my sexy moves and my stretch marks.

I know my dear hubby would love for me to pour all my time and energy into promoting our Garage Door Repair business...or maybe just actually keeping our house clean and the laundry put away. I can respect that. I also know that I have untapped blogging potential. Why don't you guys do whatever it is that people do to make blogs popular. I would love to sit here and type away and entertain the masses for money. Like, if blogging could say, pay a mortgage on a house for us, then I think I could feel successful enough. I could be happy with that amount of blogging success. But, I don't want to make stuff, or provide you with awesome tips on how to do great things. I want to just purely entertain with my perspective on life and how I share my life of mild instanity.

Last night, I was in the bedroom putting away/hanging up laundry and Curtis asks me from the living room what I'm doing. The answer is obvious "Effing livin' the life, babe! I'm folding laundry." I think he was slightly offended. Whoops. I forgot I'm suppose to be basking in the glow of Pine Sol and Tide. TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THIS: The first thing I would do with my blogging income would be to hire a maid and send all my laundry to a full service laundromat. I've looked into the laundry deal. $1/lb for wash/dry/fold/hang on hangers you provide. In by 10am, ready by the afternoon.

Of course, if I had a small laundromat in my home, I would happily take care of it myself. I'd like to have two washers and two dryers and a table to fold laundry on with a long bar to hang clothes on above it. And either a small flat screen or a small stereo setup. And, then enough children to put it all away for me. Yep. Because my one year old throws trash away more consistently than my husband. So, I'm guessing children are more maleable. Funny how my grown ass man doesn't want to be bossed around. Who would've thought such a thing were true?

So, a time for everything. A time to be a stay at home mommy. A time to write a blog. A time to drink wine and soak my feet in mint bubble bath. A time to work full time? Doing something I love...yes. Getting so involved I can't be a good wife and mother...well, I suck enough at both those things often enough that I don't need something to take away from that.

I'd like to teach again. At the gym. I miss TurboKick and sweating and trying to not breath heavily or curse into the headset microphone while I teach. But, I feel out of shape and out of the loop. Two years away from teaching has caused the initial anxiety of not being able to teach well enough to build and keep a class going to return. And, guys, stuff changes with time. Two years is a lifetime when you're in a constantly changing industry like group fitness. And man do you have to work your way up from the bottom. Rookies start slow. I try to not think about how much I love the gym and how much I want to be back in the middle of it. It just takes so long to make any money at it. You have to build your class schedule as you prove you're a worthy teacher. I'm cool with that. I started filling in and was eventually teaching 15 classes a week by time I left. It's decent money, you get super sexy, free/discounted gym memberships for your family members, childcare for your brat when you teach...I know this September is the next Certification day that I'd like to attend. I know there's a lot of opportunity out there. I know I can get back into the TurboKick world, eventhough I think that's what's changed the most in the past two years. I just have to wait until September. And, that's 5 months away.

There's subbing at the Weekday School at FBC Plano. I turned in my application for that today. So, pending an interview and passing my background check - cross your fingers, I've got a shady past folks what with all my youth group functions and church camps I was a part of - I can be added to the call list there. MDO breaks for the summer. So, once the end of May gets here, I will probably lose what little of my mind I have left if I don't find something.

Let me say this one thing that will make a lot of people mad: I feel like I am too smart to just be a stay at home mommy without doing something extra with my brain. Great for you if you love just being with your kids...you're probably not reading this because you got offended when I talked about my PPD issues last spring. God gave me a lot of thinking power, and if I can't use it for the good of mankind - ya know, other than raising a really awesome kid who people seem to think has the sun shining out of his butt - well, I might as well stop showering and have about 5 more kids and never leave the house again. Don't ask me how I plan to get pregnant 5 more times if I stop showering. Curtis isn't that desperate.

I guess it's like what my friend said a couple of weeks ago: "What's my purpose here as a mom as my kid gets older and doesn't need me so much?" (I'd like to add that, I personally feel my kid doesn't want to listen to me as much, so has therefore decided to not need me as much. I blame the Avary blood in his veins.)

So, what season will it be then?

Gage Sixteen Month Letter

Dear Early Morning Maniac,

Well, son, you have made it to 16 months. I use to wonder if we would make it to 16 weeks, so I think we've managed a pretty huge accomplishment. There is a lot you've been up to this month, so I decided to not be such a slacker mom and combine your monthly letters this time.

You have so many words now, but you haven't put together any real sentences. Your vocabulary seems to have doubled in the last month. You say objects, some names (we won't say whose you can and cannot say), concepts (like eat, and hot) and...

...you can fart on command. Yep. And, I swear, I don't think your dad has worked with you in secret on this; aside from him pointing and laughing and drawing attention to your farting when it happens. You farted in the tub last week and it surprised me and I asked you if you "tooted" and your response was to pause, lean a little to one side, and reproduce the fart. And sometimes you grunt and I see your belly tighten up like you're trying to fart.

The only positive thing about this, is at least you know what to do to poop. You understand the biology of making yourself "go". I am also proud because you have a concept of when you go potty too. Whenever I first put you in the bath, you like to stand and get use to the water. I have been splashing your legs and belly with warm water to get you to sit down, but inevitably it makes you pee. So, now when you get in the tub, I splash you and you watch your little pee pee until you go potty. So, you're aware of "going". (And, yes, you pee into your bath water. What's 3 tablespoons in 5 gallons? You're not drinking the water)

You're walking into school with me now. No stroller, no holding hands. You just follow along. Now if only you'd figure out how to make me a good latte in the mornings. You throw trash away. You wash your parts in the bathtub after I squirt soap into your hands. You bring things back and forth so your dad and I don't have to stress ourselves with getting off our butts.

The hardest/best thing is that you're big enough that you go places with daddy now. Without me. This week he took you 3 times to go hang out and do boy stuff while I stayed home. You LOVE your dad. You guys are really two peas in a pod. I love how much you two look alike and you're even starting to act more like him as you get older. I say this is 50/50 on being a good thing. :)

You got your second haircut yesterday. It's amazing how much more like a big boy you look without a mullet. Ok, it wasn't a mullet, but your hair was crazy shaggy. I decided you needed a haircut before all the spring pictures start with Easter and bluebonnets and all that. I took you to the Cool Cuts 4 Kids and you got to sit in a Taxi and watch Veggie Tales during the hair cut.

You still love being outside. You will stand at the door and say "ah-side" repeatedly until I say no or open the door. Of course, if I say no, then you usually throw a fit....

Also another great talent you've honed: throwing fits. You scream, spit, become dead weight, and bite yourself on the arm. I let you do your thing, but if you spit at me, or swing at me, I spank your diapered butt. You always look so surprised...and I'm surprised you're so shocked. I know it hurts your feelings more than your bottom. But, hey, it hurts my feelings when you hit me in the face. I think you're just about able to understand a time out...and I'm just about ready to put you in one.

You're such a sweet little boy most of the time, but you're stubborn as a mule. You get it from both of us...your dad told me "He's an Avary. We're just going to have to wake up every day and put our boxing gloves on." But. you're so sweet too. You give hugs and kissies to your friends at the dogs and you love babies. You're a good sleeper still, but we have GOT to get you weaned from waking up at 4am for a bottle. Yes, people, I still give him a bottle of milk at night. My game plan is this...after this next week (since I am watching Hannah and Noah one more week) you and I are going to have to get some tough love and you're going to cry it out when you wake up at night. You have put yourself to sleep for almost a year with minimal fussing and lots of chatting with yourself. You might make peeps at night, but you put yourself back to sleep. Then, come 4-4:30 you're squawking for a bottle. You're a hefty 26lbs, kid. You can make it 12 hours without a snack.

I think you just get more and more fun as you get bigger. But, it's still a little sad as you grow. I have figured out that's part of the territory that comes with being a parent. You get big and we're so proud as you make new accomplishments, but it's hard to watch you need us less.

We love you so much, and you're the best kid a mommy and daddy could ask for.

Love, Mommy

Gage Fourteen/Fifteen Month Letter

Dear Wolfgang Munsterman,
First of all, your dad randomly called you that for a full day last week, and I have no idea why, but, hey I needed another nickname for this letter. So, here we are.

Over the last two months, you might have noticed that I skipped writing you every single month...partly because the developments are a little less on a month to month basis, and mostly because I am just that busy chasing your insanely energetic body everywere.

First of all, let me say THE CLIMBING. Oh,the climbing. You are such a little climber monkey and you're starting to scare me a little bit. You love to stand on the chair next to your bed where I sit and cuddle with you during your bedtime bottle of milk and climb over the rail of your crib and flip into the bed. You can only do that if the side is down (yes we have a crib with a side that lowers eventhough I'm sure there was a recall on most brands of them - we like to live on the edge). And I don't let you even attempt to get OUT of the crib, because I'm sure after you successfully do it once, what very little peace of mind I have will be gone.
You also seem to enjoy climbing into the dining room chairs. And, I have no real problem with that, except that you then feel entitled to climb all over the dining room TABLE. The Ethan Allen solid dark cherry one that cost more than my anesthesiologist bill from your birth.

You want to feed yourself with UTENSILS now. And, while I was fine handing you a spoon to scoop thick foods, I was a little wary of handing you a fork...but you've done really well, and I am proud of you. Because as cute as your messy hand feeding is, I prefer to see you eating in this slightly more civilized fashion. Especially at restaurants.

You have been bit by your friend a couple of times, and we all felt really bad for you. But, this past couple of weeks, you have, unfortunately, evened the score and bit him as well. The last time you bit him, I bit your arm so hard I felt a little guilty later. You haven't bitten anyone but yourself since. Which brings me to....

You've JUST started biting your own hand when you get frustrated. You have really turned on the temper tantrums in the past month, and your anger level seems to be rising. I know you're getting old enough to want your own way, and know what you want, but not quite old enough to express it clearly. Or even very well. When you bite your hand, I take it and gently say "no bite. kissies!" and give your hand several kisses. I am trying to teach you to say "I'm MAD" when you're having a tantrum. Maybe you'll figure out the meaning and be able to express your frustration more soon. Sometimes you're just being a brat, but there are times when we can tell you're genuinely frustrated and just want to be able to say "it" whatever "it" is that's bothering you. Great segue into...

All the things you're saying now. Here's a list of what we can brainstorm and think of:
Duck
Cat
Lion
Blankie
Cookie
Juice
Noah (NoNo)
Hannah - much more clearly now
Papa (for Grandpa Gary)
Scott
Miranda
Meyme (Baby)
Car
Truck
Toy
Daddy
Mommy
Spoon
Diaper
Book
"Bark"
Night Night
Pasta
Weenie
Red Bull
Pretty
Up
Down
Outside
Puppy
Ball
Rock

And, I think there are some I left off that you've been using for a while, and I'm sure there are some that I can't remember. The point is: you're talking a LOT. You still ramble incoherently (quite similar to myself in fact) and don't really put sentences together, but we're super proud. People have commented on how clearly to say the words that you use. Meaning, not just your parents know what you're saying.

You are so funny and love to laugh and do silly things that make us laugh. You give kisses and almost give real hugs now. But, you still don't care to be restrained much. You can throw a ball and have started kicking a ball occasionally. You can climb and slide at the park. You love the bath tub and will blow bubbles with your face in the water and lay on your tummy and float around if I get the water level high enough for you.

You're starting to be a little pickier about food, and have completely quit baby food and cereal. It made me sad when you started to refuse your cereal. You HAVE been eating it for almost a year now though...

You are such a joy, even with your new attitude problems. Your top molars are almost in, and your bottom gums look swollen. Awesome for all of us! More teeth. :)

I love you with all my mommy heart and I will always do whatever it takes to make sure your world is safe. Your daddy and I are so proud of you and couldn't be happier or more blessed than we are to have such a sweet, energetic, awesome little monster like you for our precious baby.

Love, Mommy

A Love Letter to MOPS

Dear MOPS,
First of all, I would like to thank you for the slightly confusing name you have. Because while I love a good clean floor, I don't particularly care for your cleaning namesake. Mothers of Pre-Schoolers is a lot to say, and let's face it, I hardly have time to go to the bathroom by myself, let alone say Mother's of Pre-Schoolers every time I want to talk to some one about you. The abbreviation is also a good conversation starter.

Secondly, and most importantly, I think you saved my life last year. It's been about a year since I attended my first meeting of MOPS. I was invited by another mom, who, little did I know, was extending an offer of sanity and friendship at a time when I needed it most. I met her while I was dropping off my son at Mother's Day Out (another small life saver since it met one of my needs...a break from my newborn).

So, how did you save me? Well, I think Gage was about 10 weeks old, and I was approaching the edge of depression with alarming alacrity. (dictionary.com if you need to, people. I don't offer definitions for my big words. my mother never did either) I think that I was just so pleased to have someone to talk to, who knew what the hell I was going through. And, you brought me into a room full of women whom had ALL done it before, some more than once. Adult conversation was lacking in general in my life as well.

I have shared about my post partum issues in a previous post
and I still maintain that MOPS was a huge factor in helping me survive that dark time. I don't know if I will have the same experience with baby #2 since I will already have this support system with even better friendships established.

MOPS, I love you. You mean so much to me. And, that reminds me that I'm a total slacker and haven't paid my dues for the semester. And I should know better. I'm on the steering committee. LOL

Thank you for being there for me when I was full of defeat. Thank you for letting me know it's ok to resent the blessing of being a MOP sometimes. And, thank you for allowing me to make new friends in a city where I had very few even before I was a mom.

Anyone who is NOT a mother will probably never understand how truly important you are, but don't let that get you down. There's too many moms who "get" you to be sad about those people who don't.

Love,
Jodie

Gage's molars pushed through...and then I cried

So, there's been a lot of debate since we first got pregnant with Gage about when we wanted to follow up with baby #2. No, I am NOT pregnant, yet. But, we talked about after his first birthday, that we would probably start trying.

After more debate on the insanity I would succumb to if we had ANOTHER baby in December - we already have Gage's birthday, my birthday and our anniversary - we decided after tax season, we would probably be ready to start trying. You may wonder what tax season has to do with anything, and the real answer is "not much". But, it does have to do with tax return money and paying off some stuff and having some extra money in savings.

So, Lord willing, we will be pregnant by the summer. Am I going to get into trouble for announcing this on here, Curtis? There's only been one thing Curtis specifically requested I don't put on Facebook or my blog and it had to do with him not taking out the trash.

When I noticed Gage has a top molar coming in on each side, I was slightly devastated. It was another milestone that proves he's...sob...growing up! He's been climbing onto tables, and from the chair in his room, he can dump himself over into his crib if the side is down. he hasn't figured out how to climb out, thankfully! He says words and laughs at things, and you can just see the wheels turning in his head as he explores and discovers life. He's a big boy now...

So, after he went to sleep last night, I was talking to Curtis about Gage growing up and looking at his newborn pictures. Curtis went to bed, and about 5 minutes later, I followed him into our room crying. I sat down on our bed when he asked what was wrong and said "Gage isn't a baby any more!!! He's got big boy teeth! I can just close my eyes and picture them in his mouth and it makes me so sad."
He said "If he was 16 and moving out, it would be sad. He's still a baby. He's only a year old. You can't say he's not a baby."
"What about when he goes to kindergarten!? I'm going to stay in bed all day and cry when he goes to kindergarten!!" I sobbed. "I need a baby. One without teeth!"

So, I know I am for certain ready to have another baby. As ready as I will ever be. And a hell of a lot more prepared than when we had Gage. Curtis is ready. I distinctly remember him asking my OB how long we should wait to have baby #2 when I was only 5 months pregnant with Gage.

I love that my husband loves kids so much...now. I don't think he would've sought out a babysitting job before he became a father. But, he's such a great dad. And, when I have the Craft kids over at our house, he's playing with them and sharing his cookies with Hannah. It's the first time I've seen him interact with children he's not related to. And, he's just as awesome with them as he is with Gage. He might be a little hands off when it comes to poop, but he claims he would do what he had to if he was on his own. I can only laugh because it IS slightly annoying to know he'd do it if I wasn't there to do it. But, isn't that pretty much how all men are? Of course he can get his own food and wash his own clothes, but since I'm his wife, I take care of those things for him. I know, I just set the feminist movement back 25 years.

So, Gage has turned into a toddler now and I am ready for a sweet little bundle of cuddly baby. I love our family so much and I can't wait to add to it. I also know that if we don't have another one, that Gage will turn into a big brat because he'll be spoiled rotten. He needs a playmate, a partner in crime.

Hopefully he'll have one around spring of next year.

Gage: Twelve/Thirteen Month Letter

Dear Little Ball of Endless Energy,

You're finally a year old. And, I gotta be honest with you, I am writing this a whole month after your first birthday. Turns out I had no idea how busy we would truly be celebrating birthdays and Christmas and mine and your dad's anniversary last month.

We threw you a huge party at The Little Gym, and although I am positive you won't remember it for yourself when you grow up, it was a great memory for the rest of us. You had a lot of friends and family that came to help you celebrate. You face planted into your cake like the champion that you are and it reminded me of when you use to breastfeed with your face buried in my boob for your meals. I had to make sure your nostrils were free for airflow. And, I loved how at one year, you could remind me of you being a newborn.

You are gigantic. I mean that in a nice way. Your legs extend well beyond my lap when I hold you, and you weigh close to 25lbs now. You have 6 teeth and an insatiable appetite to learn about everything going on around you. You have a decent vocabulary even though you're not putting sentences together yet. You say mama, dada, jinx, ball, bath, done, cracker, car, battery, pretty, no, bye bye, nana (for Hannah), please (although you rarely say it b/c you're stubborn), guck (for yuck, in reference to the trash) baba (for bottle), and the other day you said bacon 3 times while we were eating breakfast.

You got soo much stuff for your birthday and Christmas. I am glad your dad and I didn't go overboard purchasing gifts beforehand. But, that just shows how much people love you. And, I am taking this moment to say that I have good intentions about sending thank you cards to the gift givers, but am terrible on follow through (i.e. actually addressing them and putting them in the mailbox) with those things. I get that from your grandma. :)

You are extremely unafraid. You climb everywhere, play in the dark, giggle when the dogs growl for you putting your whole weight on them. You also are a little beligerent. I can certainly figure where you got that from...You will be told "no" and then look at us, smile and touch whatever we said "no" to.

And, finally, you have started being intentionally affectionate!!! You give kissies (sometimes with a little too much tongue - i.e. ANY tongue) and you will lay across us or our laps and roll around in an effort to cuddle. Hannah does NOT appreciate this gesture. You love to sit on her and Noah. And, I know you're trying to be sweet, but you're like the jolly green giant on those petite kids! Noah doesn't mind, and he will occasionally push you away, which I totally understand. You have to outweigh him by a few pounds. You also run to give hugs if I crouch down and open my arms.

Gosh, I'm sure there's so much more...you popped another tooth through the gums on the bottom yesterday. So, you're technically at 6 1/2 teeth now. You STILL love people and you get a lot of attention where ever we go.

I can't believe it's been a year. It feels like it flew by. But, on the bright side, it wasn't so horrible that we won't be giving you a baby brother or sister sometime in the next year or so.

Love, Mommy

Poop, Crap, #2, and Rubber Gloves

We (barely) survived the week, but here we are. And, after changing approximately 60 poopy diapers this week, I am ready for my friend's birthday dinner this evening. And, kudos to her, it's girls only! Trust me, I wasn't sad when I realized I would have a few hours to myself after this week I fondly refer to as "The Diarrhea Wars" wherein I pretty much got my butt kicked by a pooping toddler. (Yes, I have to say toddler, because Gage is walking all the time now.)

Last weekend we went to my niece's First birthday party. Gage pooped while we were there. And, little did I know, that was only the beginning. Sunday and Monday he was pooping nearly every hour and I couldn't get him to eat much of anything. He got horrible diaper rash that turned into a yeast infection on his bottom region. (this is one of those posts that he'll hate me for when he can read). It wasn't exactly on his bottom, more on his man parts.

First of all, who the hell knew boys got yeast infections? All it needs is a warm wet place...like a diaper. It made sense, but sort off defied what I believed to be scientific truth. Secondly, I personally felt like it was my fault for wiping his bottom sooo much. Maybe I could've given more rinse off baths and less friction to his bottom would've helped the situation. I remember when I was changing him, I wiped him, and I saw a spot start bleeding. I freaked out and we put Neosporin on that place. (by "we" I mean "ME" - more on this later)

Here I am with all my creams and what not. I have Maalox (the first thing suggested to me by a couple of friends for the diaper rash) that I am blotting on with a cotton ball, letting it dry (by blowing on it. yes, I blew on my kids butt o help the medicine dry. you do what you have to), and applying diaper cream, and then Vaseline
(Curtis's and another friends' suggestion) to protect it.

By the time Wednesday rolled around, his butt wasn't getting any better (and neither was his tummy) so we went to the doctor. That boo boo had turned into the yeast infection, as well as another spotty area was infected. And, the cure? Lotrimin. Athlete's Foot Cream. It's an antifungal.

So, I am applying foot cream, diaper cream, and Vaseline to my kids ass all week. And, guess what? Tonight, it's Curtis's turn. He's hoping Gage doesn't poop after I leave. I am secretly hoping he will. Because, I am such an awesome wife that I haven't made Curtis change any drippy diarrhea diapers. I have asked him to help me when Gage needs to be rinsed off, but I didn't make him apply cream to Gage's little baby boy nuts or penis. I know Curtis will have the reigns when Gage is potty training, and has to have help aiming his pee into the toilet.

Curtis and I were both sick for one day each. And, the awesome new dinner I made this week...well, I won't be making broccoli chicken again for a long time. Throwing it up wasn't much of a treat. Curtis still ate McDonald's, even after he threw up that. Ugh. I STILL won't eat Sun Chips because I threw them up when I was in the 7th grade. And, after I turned 21, I didn't drink for a month because of all the puking I did on my birthday. (alcohol, I can get over. But, Sun Chips, NOT A CHANCE)

I'm just glad it's mostly over. I've been feeding Gage the BART diet (thanks Melinda and Chris!) and I gave him some acidophilus supplement. He's been acting a little less energetic this week, but no fever, and no real issues outside of crapping himself into a yeast infection. The only positive thing about this: he's been more cuddly and calm to sit with. Of course, that's not the price I wanted him to pay for him to cuddle with me.

I DID buy Curtis some rubber doctor style gloves in case Gage has a crazy blow out while I am gone. I mean, I can understand not wanting to touch poo with your bare hands. It's not something I enjoy at all, but it's just part of our life for as long as we have kids in diapers. Shit Happens.

On the topic of poop, have you ever had a "poop stand off" in a public bathroom? You know, where you're waiting for the other person to leave their stall and exit the bathroom so you can poop in private, and it turns out they're doing the same thing? So, you're just sitting there, waiting it out, wondering who will break first. You'll either leave and wait a bit and come back, or just say "forget it" and go on with your business with an audience who can hear the ploop! and splash!. Personally, when I was working and I was pregnant, my poop schedule coincided with another girl's schedule. If I walked in and she was after me, she would usually just wash her hands, look in the mirror, and I guess come back in a little while. When you're pregnant, pooping turns into a luxury and you can't skip the chance to go.

I am not really a shy pooper anymore. Something about Gage screaming and peeking under the bathroom door if I close it to poop makes it more difficult to concentrate on the task. So, I just leave the door open and ignore him trying to see under my bottom and flushing the toilet for fun. Curtis still locks the door - like I'm going to barge in and have a heart to heart while he's taking care of business...

And, just a nod to MOPS this week. Turns out spitting on a price tag stuck to the bottom of a glass vase helps it come right off. Thanks, Christina for the hint!

Gage - Eleven Months Old

Dear Crusty Booger Nose,

I will warn you in advance that I am using your 11 month letter to catch up on everything else that's been going on as well. Of course, that all includes you and your life, so deal with it. The world revolves around no one single person. Ok, I'm done being THAT mom. You're the whole world to me and your dad and we love you so much that we ask each other randomly "How much do you love Tank (or Big Head, or a number of other things we call you both to your face and behind your back)?"

It's been a month since I've written anything on here, and I can sum all of it up pretty easily. Ah bin bizzy! (I've been busy, my friends who can't read that out loud to themselves and get it.)

Let's back it up from the ending because that's probably the only way I can accomplish the task of processing it. The past two weeks I have been watching a friend of mine's kids because she went back to work. I remember seeing on a series of her Facebook statuses that she had an interview, got the job, looked for a daycare, interviewed some private daycare givers, and was pretty much S.O.L. (shit outta luck, people. I won't break anything else down for you tonight. Hehe!)

I had been thinking and praying and discussing with my husband on the day she seemed at the point of not taking the job, and I sent her a message and asked her to call me if she was interested in talking to me about watching her little ones. A few conversations and carseats in my car later, we got it all nailed down, and I have been watching Hannah and Noah for the past two weeks. They're awesome kids. Noah is the same age as Tank (they're 4 days apart) so it's kind of like raising twins since they're going through the same things at the same time. In fact, they've both been teething, and Gage's tooth finally broke through over this weekend. I am hoping poor Noah (who looks like he's getting THREE) has had some successful teething this weekend too. Hannah is like a built in helper. She's obviously use to her brother, so she's automatically use to Gage. Except Gage is a bit heavier and more rough than Noah. And Gage is obsessed with Hannah, especially the other day when she wore pink tights. He grabbed her leg on the couch and was trying to figure out what the heck was going on. But, she makes them both laugh, and she's such a sweetheart.

Gage, you now have SIX teeth. Four on top, two on bottom. And, you've only bitten me like seven or twelve times now. Thanks, kid. I appreciate that a lot.

You are, oh it pains me to say it...walking. Like full on waddling through the house, on the porch, in the yard. You're walking and crawling even amounts, I would say. But, you only crawl when you're in a hurry (like you have anything to do in a rush. You pee in your pants, so it's not like a mad dash to the bathroom after too many drinks.) Or when you're butt naked in the middle of a diaper change and you want to get away from me.

You're eating more and more people food. Because, let's be real, that crap called "baby food" is NASTY! You want to eat what we have, of course. You crack me up, throwing fits if we don't share. It's really not that cute, but we ignore you and let you do your thing. I don't want to stunt your emotions. Feel them, let them out, but act like a nutzo and you won't earn our attention. The other day I was eating some fruit snacks, and I didn't realize you had seen me, and when I crumpled up the empty wrapper you threw yourself on the floor and I thought you were hurt because I didn't see any reason for you to be acting like that. And, then I realized you were expecting me to share and thought I ignored you. So, we got another package and I gave you all the orange ones, because they're my least favorite...what? Like I am not allowed to be selfish with my fruit snacks and save the red and purple for myself? Whatever. You're lucky I gave you candy at all. You sat in my lap, being very sweet for about 3 minutes. Which brings me to my complaint for this month...

YOU DON'T WANT TO CUDDLE WITH ME. You're a very very sweet boy, giving kisses and patting the dogs and stuff. But, you won't sit and cuddle. You don't want to be rocked or snuggled or loved on too much. Your independence is getting old. I want a cuddly baby. You're going to make me have another baby soon just so I can have a cuddler. You must STOP getting big. Your great grandma even suggested laying down with you on the floor with a blanket to take a nap, and when I tried it, wanna know what you did? You crawled over to me, gave me a kiss, laid your head on me for a second and then got up and crawled away giggling. Man, you're adorable.

Oh, here's where I embarrass you. So, last night we went to your Uncle Scott & Aunt Miranda's new house. At one point, we had been outside, and you had on your little zip up hoodie, with the hood up. I changed your diaper, and in the middle of it, you crawled off and proceeded to roll around their living room with your legs open and closed laughing and showing off your butt and other goods. And, you KNEW you were being cute and ornery. You're such a little cute hamburglar. Yep, daddy calls you that too. Since you're so quick to grab stuff you shouldn't. So, there you are, looking like a bare-assed mini Unabomber, and we're all laughing at your antics.

I think you're getting sick. Well, you probably already are. Your nose is nasty and crusty. And it's getting sorta green. So, Tuesday you're going to the Doctor to see why you're so gross. But, we still love you.

You had your first Halloween this past month. You were a lion and everyone said how adorable you were. Which of course, is true. Because you're the cutest kid on the planet. We've let you eat SOME candy, and you got to ride a pony and a little train, play in a ball pit, and go down a big blow up slide (on my lap of course). And we let you get two tattoos of dinosaurs.

You're just getting so big that it's almost painful for me. You're not going to be a baby for very much longer. You're walking, eating and drinking by yourself, and repeating words we say. They may not sound exactly clear, but you're definitely trying out new sounds. You've repeated down, boo boo, snack, outside, daddy, and I swear you were saying "I want a bite" for a while, but you've stopped. You clap your hands and wave at people. Sometimes you say "yeah!" and sometimes you say "na na na na na" really fast because I say "nononononononono" to you about things. You've finally learned what yucky and danger mean. I base that on the fact that you won't put something in your mouth if I say it's yucky, and you stop what you're reaching for if I say "danger".

You know what "no" means, but you're totally into testing us. You'll slowly reach for something after we say no to you and see if we still say no. And, you smile about it. That's because you're OUR kid. And karma sucks like that.

You're quickly approaching your first birthday, and it makes me want to throw up. Where did the time go? Life speeds up with you in it. We can't pause time, but I sometimes wish I could. I won't get all depressing this month, but it's an inevitable path...you growing up. Right about now, I wish I could stop it.

You're my little man. You're our whole world. I love everything about you and your innocence and wonderment with the world around you. Everything is a joy to you, and you're a complete joy to me.

I love you when you're messy, I love you when you stink. I love your white blonde hair and how you've got your daddy's two front teeth. I love your chubby fingers, and how you still hold on to our fingers tight. I love hearing you growl when you wake up in the morning and babble to yourself til you fall asleep at night. You've captured our hearts and re-ordered our life. I've learned to prioritize what really matters and grown up right along with you at times.

Happy Eleven Months of Life, Baby Gage!

Love, Mommy

Gage- Ten Months Old

Little Bucky,
We've been in our house for almost two months now. You've loved having a yard to play in, and wood floors to push your toys across. You got sick for the first time this month. You've added a few more words to your vocabulary. You're saying "Dada" now. You're signing "more" and "milk" and you say "Mmmm" and "Eeee" when you want to eat. You also said "down" the other day a few times, and you said "wa" when I turned on the sink. You growl like a monster, because your dad always comes into your room to say goodnight like a silly monster with his hands as ears and stuff. You think it's hilarious, and you're growling because of that. It's adorable. Your first Halloween is coming up, and I am planning on you being a lion.

You're completely comfortable drinking out of your sippy cup, although you're not really doing much with the glass bottles when I feed you. Of course, that's the ONLY time you want to cuddle anymore, so I cherish that time.

You're more and more sure of what you want every day. You screech in protest when we bring you in from the front yard. You get mad if we don't share our food or drink. Who cares if it's spicy or alcoholic?!? You DON'T! We are trying to think of a way to differentiate for you, so you understand when something is just off limits like that.

You're such a joy. You are adorable and funny and cute, and you have your dad's teeth, and it just makes me love you both even more. You're so close to walking. You pushed your dump truck all over the front yard today. You're SO BIG. I already wish I had cherished the newborn days more, but I was so tired, I am mostly just glad we all survived it. We are absolutely crazy about you. People love you in public. You're kind of a turd at MDO sometimes, but I think your teachers don't mind because you're such a charmer, just like your daddy.

I kinda wish I could just stop time right now. You're still a baby, and you haven't gotten completely away from me yet. You still need me, but you're awesomely independent. You LOVE everyone you meet. And, they seem drawn to you. You're such a little magnet.

We took you to the Allen Homecoming Game last weekend and you were SO GOOD. You didn't whine or scream or throw a fit. There was so much to see, you just were excited to be there. You cheered with the fans. You watched the band and drillteam on the field, and of course watched the cheerleaders...what can I say to that? We were very proud of you. We ARE very proud of you. You're a climber, you're a charmer, you're just this bundle of energy that I could sit and watch all day long. I am constantly telling myself "these are the days".

I pray for you every night. I use to pray with you before bedtime, but you can't stand being cuddled for more than 3 seconds in a row right now. So, we kiss you goodnight, and I say prayers in my own bed at night. I pray for your continued health. I pray for your future salvation. I pray you'll love God's Word, that you'll hide it in your heart. I pray that you'll be a good friend, and have a servant's heart. I pray you'll use your gifts and talents to glorify God and further His kingdom. I pray for your purity, and your future wife and her purity. I want you to know how precious you are and how precious that treasure is. I pray you'll have a passion for God's will and that you'll be successful at all you attempt.

How blessed among women am I to be your mother!

Love, Mommy

Our First Time

I relish in the act of using double entendres for my post titles. Maybe because it gets your attention. Maybe it's because I happily suffered through a year of being on Yearbook staff in High School wherein we were forced, under pressure, to come up with catchy headlines for articles.

Nonetheless, this past week was our first time having a sick baby. Now, we had 2 weeks of colic back in the beginning of Gage's life. We also had a week of an upper respiratory cootie that never caused anything but a congested, barely sleeping baby and a couple of puking drainage sessions. The worst part was Gage was so young and could hardly breathe and woke up a lot. But, he never had a fever and he got over it pretty quickly. Besides, everything was so hard still, it didn't make much of an difference.

Sunday afternoon, Gage took a 4 hour nap after church. Well, he was unconcious when we picked him up and he didn't wake up during the trip to the car, in the car, or to his crib. That was the first clue that something was wrong. When he woke up, he felt a little feverish, and of course, the batteries on the thermometer we have are dead, and I didn't go get any right away. As his mom, I could tell that he was warmer than usual. I considered that it could be a sugar fever because we let Gage have a donut for breakfast for the first time. Judge not, folks.

Um, much of the week is a blur after that. He slept fine that night, but around 4am, he woke up and was insistent, so I went and got him, and he was BURNIN' UP. I gave him Tylenol and a cold bottle and put him back to sleep. We ended up taking him to the doctor Monday afternoon, and he had a 101.5 temperature and an ear infection in one ear. We got an antibiotic and were told to keep giving Motrin/Tylenol for the fever and aches. He had a fever early every morning until Thursday. That's when he got a rash. So, of course I took him to the doctor again. No ear infection, no fever, so we stopped the antibiotics in case it was a reaction to them, and the doctor declared it was just the virus reacting to the medicine, and he was fine. I am just glad to hear it's not The Plague. I hear that's making a come back.

My poor baby slept a LOT. He was lethargic. He was cuddly. And, you know how you roll around in bed and just moan because you feel like total crap? Well, he did a lot of that too. It was heartbreaking. People might feel bad, thinking I didn't get much sleep. Actually, he slept more this week than any other time. He woke up every morning sometime between 3 and 4am because his medicine had worn off, and his fever was back up. But, he went back to sleep after 20 minutes or so. He did OK during the middle part of the morning, but was taking 2 hour (or longer) naps in the afternoon.

I tried to explain to Curtis last night that I was mentally exhausted from all the worrying. It was hard to fall asleep at night, and I just sat and cried with Gage a few times because there's not really much more I could do aside from give him medicine and try and figure out what will make him happy. My mind was clouded with this overwhelming tension. I have experienced a new level of love and worry. One morning Curtis was coughing and I was all feeling his head and patting his back and telling him to cuddle with me, like I was on autopilot, taking care and being nurse. I normally wouldn't baby him quite so much.

I admit with a little shame that my level of frustration grew this week as well. It was so painfully frustrating to see Gage not feeling well, and him crying and whining and rolling around and just not being able to help. Helpless. THAT'S a hard thing to feel when it comes to your kids. I would just look at Gage and say "If you could just TELL me what's wrong. What hurts, why you won't drink a bottle..." It's hard to even look back at that and not remember how painful it was to see him suffer. Maybe it sounds dramatic, but I have always had a deep sense of empathy with other people's pain. It made me one serious child and I was often stressed to the point of causing ulcers when I was 11 yrs old. I may not have as much compassion if I can look at someone and say "They have the ability to help themselves, and they're just not doing anything to change their situation". But, when someone is incapable of changing their own situation, my heart breaks.

I'm a pretty "black and white" kind of person. I consider myself a realist, and I can detach myself emotionally if I need to step back and consider and evaluate. That ability goes out the window when it comes to my kid. I admit, I can even step back when I am having a conflict with my husband, and he's pointed out that sometimes I don't seem to care when it gets to a certain level of conflict. The reality is, when I care THAT much, I have to take a step back and be sure I am making a decision based on what makes sense, not based on how upset I am at the time. But, I digress...

Gage being sick was HARD. Not because he was whiney or was up all crazy times at night. But, it was mental torture for me to see him suffer and him not understand WHY. And the worry ate me alive. I have a feeling I will spend a LOT of hours worrying about our child(ren) over the course of this lifetime. That comes with the territory. Trusting the Lord with them is my first feat.