Saturday, April 16, 2011

No time for THAT!

Following up on my last post, I have done some soul searching over the last few days because, well, sheesh, everything is in upheaval it seems. I feel like God is shaking my shoulder reminding me that He's there. I think when you get arrogant in the face of your Creator, He has a way of reminding you He's God and we're not. Mediocrity isn't what we're called to. The higher calling we have as believers is exactly that: Higher. But, it's about His righteousness, not our self righteousness. We boast in Christ or we don't boast at all. His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Who wants to admit that they're simply an ungrateful wretch? Reality is that we were all saved by Amazing Grace WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS. Yesterday I was reminded of how much I live my life for myself. Wondering what should I do for me? Wrong road to wander down in my mind.

I think I have drawn my conclusions fairly quickly although I have to say I didn't make it easy on myself: My heart's desire has always been to be a stay at home wife and mother. I've always enjoyed certain writing. Hello blog people, that's why I am here - But, after I got a 2 year college degree while working almost full time, and then taking a little time off from school and trying to go back and get a Bachelor's degree, I had my "aha! moment". I was walking across the DBU campus and I thought, "I don't want this. All I want is to be a stay at home mommy, and everyone knows NO AMOUNT OF SCHOOL can prepare you for that career!"

Within the next month, I withdrew from my classes, quit my job, we all suffered the loss of a dear friend. And, I met my husband. I could stop right there and make the point enough.

Right after Curtis read my last blog, he called me and then text messaged me to say he disagreed and thinks I do NOT suck at being a wife and mom. But, the deal is, I KNOW I can put more effort into my family. I KNOW I can offer more, do more, love more, give more. I've been selfish and resentful at times at losing the "me" and "myself". I know it sucks to have less time for yourself, but I also know if I say I need it, Curtis is always ready to make sure I get it.

I'd like to blame being an only child. It's always been all about me. I have to admit to myself, though, that being a 26 year old woman, I have figured out it's not all about me. To be real, it's all about Christ. And, when you truly center your life, mind, heart, thoughts, energy and self around HIM, your perspective changes. Your reality changes.

When you're busy living your life outside of God's will, you're not going to find happiness, and you'll certainly find no peace. So, what am I going to do with my time? Devote myself to my family and our business. It's that damn simple. Stop searching when there's nothing else to be found. Find True Rest. That's what I've got time for. So, it's Spring here. New life is budding and the old deadness of Winter has passed on.

P.S. We totally got a great deal on using a timeshare for camping, of all things. It's like having a membership to a country club where we can camp and still swim in a pool and go horseback riding and lots of other junk. They, of course, wanted to sell us a 2b/2b timeshare condo, but I SAID I CAN'T BE SOLD ANYTHING I DON'T WANT. And, I got exactly what we wanted. A great place to camp out in East Texas with an indoor waterpark and a spa onsite. And, of course, the FREE 5 DAY CRUISE they promised for sitting through the ordeal. I felt slightly guilty when the salesman realized I wasn't buying the whole package. He lost his poker face for a minute. But, hey, I pride myself on being un-sellable. Who wants Gage for a week while we soak up the Mexican sun??

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