Today, I will rant about the bullcrap!
TXU - You suck. Because you send us ridiculously high bills, and there is NO WAY possible they are correct. And, a special thanks for hiring people who clearly do not use English as their first language. I know her name was not really Mary. How did our bills go from two or three hundred to five or six hundred? You're not sure? Oh, I bet you can send someone out here to look at that cheap old meter on the building and tell me why it's spinning out of control when we have NOTHING TURNED ON IN THE WHOLE HOUSE!!! If I wanted to pay as much in electricity as we do for Curtis's truck payment we financed for 4 years, then I would let you know I like to throw money away. But seriously, we are breaking up soon. You're just not good for me. You don't belong in my world...oh wait, I've been watching New Moon. You are overpriced and your customer service dept is a joke. Hire some people in AMERICA. You know, that place where all your customers live. The place with like 10% unemployment. I bet plenty of people whose first language is ENGLISH (or whom at the very least can speak it like a human being, not a ROBOT READING FROM A SCRIPT!!!!) would like a job helping their fellow americans. TXU, you can kiss it.
Prosperity Bank - I use to think it was cute that you were so small. Not like Bank Of America where they have so many customers, they could take over the world. I use to like that everyone knows our name and holds our baby when we come in. But, when my new debit card comes in the mail, and I have to drive to the branch to get it activated, I find it annoying. And, then when I tried to activate it at the ATM, it said too many PIN tries. And it would take 24 hours to reset. WHAT?!?!? Because I don't have ANYTHING to do for the next 24 hours, like grocery shop or get gas. How annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe if you had a closer branch, I wouldn't mind stopping in and getting some cash, but I don't know if I have the gas to drive there. Sheesh. You are the bane of my existence. Today. But, I still hate you less than TXU.
Oh, and TEETHING! Yes, you, the one with the gummy pain in my baby's mouth, you're about to hear from me really soon. So, watch out!
Snapshots of the insanity that runs rampant in our lives... And how we love every freakin' minute of it.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
To The Love of My Life
Curtis and I have had a crazy rollercoaster ride in the short time we've been together. Some people are together 10 years before they deal with as much as we have, it seems. When I look back at the 27 months we've had together, it seems such a small amount of time compared to the life we lived before each other. We met, and he likes to say that we are still on our first date. We've gome through crazy drama (why do people from the past pop up for no good reason?), we've gone through sickness, broken bones, family tears, losing jobs, getting jobs, pregnancy, and the first three months of parenthood together. Sometimes, when we argue, it's easy to think we've had so few pleasant, fun, easy-going memories. It feels like a rat race.
I will admit the strife in our relationship stems partially from the decision we made to live together before we were married. It just sort of happened, after he broke his leg. I was there taking care of him 24/7 the first few weeks since he wasnt allowed to walk on his foot after the surgery he had to have to repair the broken bones. And, when the time came for me to transition on to finding my own place, we made the decision to stay in the situation we were in. I know it caused us much more pain than God wanted for us. So, once we were able to get married, we did so very quickly to be obedient to God's will. We still reaped some of the fruit of that decision immediately after our wedding. But, when we prayed about starting a family, God blessed us very quickly with an answer in the form of Gage!
I can say that I have watched Curtis grow into a man that I dreamed of. I have seen him change. I have watched him become a father, the sole provider for our family, a man who carries his worries silently & prayerfully. There's so much that goes on inside my husband that I can easily miss if I am not intently observing. He's not a man who will speak unless he is sure of his words. He doesn't fill the air with empty things. He keeps things to himself, and sometimes I have to drag it out of him. But, he has such a tender, loving heart. I know he keeps it hidden away to keep from getting hurt. He's wise, he's funny. He looks at the world in a way I don't. He has a relationship with his Heavenly Father that I can never have. I am envious of the depth of his experience of God's grace & forgiveness. He's a man who was changed from old into new, and it was a beautiful transformation. I feel so petty and irreverent at times with the things I struggle with, knowing how God has brought him through a lot of hard times. Not that the Lord hasn't done great things in my life, but it seems like Curtis has this knowledge of God's love that I miss out on in the familiarity of my 20 year Christian faith walk. I become hard hearted to the things God does every day. Curtis has an appreciation for all things great and small.
He is a loving father and husband. He may be rough in a way, being very much a man, but he loves so passionately and faithfully. I've never felt more safe, more loved, more sacrificed for. He's not perfect. He's just perfect for me. Someone once asked me if I felt like Curtis was the answer to my prayers for a husband, and I will say that Curtis isn't exactly what I prayed for. And, I am SO thankful that he's the man God picked for me, not the one I naively thought I needed. It's simply that God brought me a husband who is exactly what I needed, because my Heavenly Father knows me more than I know myself. I feel like Curtis was hand picked and delivered to me. I never would've thought I would be with a man like him. He's the only man that I can't steamroll. He stands up and demands that he is the leader of this family, and he lovingly allows me to voice my opinions. He puts me in my place when I need it, and he always loves me through my growing pains. We've hit more than a few bumps in the road due to the 8 1/2 year age difference between us. I am thankful for a husband with enough experience in life to know when to relax and let things go. I struggle with that on a daily basis. He's taught me that there's so much more to life than the things I tend to worry about. And, I have taught him to be a little more gentle. Curtis and I complement each other in a way that is beyond a ridiculous description of words. I could never be with anyone else. And, just last night, Curtis looked at me and said, "I don't think any woman has ever loved me as much as you do. You're the love of my life."
I will admit the strife in our relationship stems partially from the decision we made to live together before we were married. It just sort of happened, after he broke his leg. I was there taking care of him 24/7 the first few weeks since he wasnt allowed to walk on his foot after the surgery he had to have to repair the broken bones. And, when the time came for me to transition on to finding my own place, we made the decision to stay in the situation we were in. I know it caused us much more pain than God wanted for us. So, once we were able to get married, we did so very quickly to be obedient to God's will. We still reaped some of the fruit of that decision immediately after our wedding. But, when we prayed about starting a family, God blessed us very quickly with an answer in the form of Gage!
I can say that I have watched Curtis grow into a man that I dreamed of. I have seen him change. I have watched him become a father, the sole provider for our family, a man who carries his worries silently & prayerfully. There's so much that goes on inside my husband that I can easily miss if I am not intently observing. He's not a man who will speak unless he is sure of his words. He doesn't fill the air with empty things. He keeps things to himself, and sometimes I have to drag it out of him. But, he has such a tender, loving heart. I know he keeps it hidden away to keep from getting hurt. He's wise, he's funny. He looks at the world in a way I don't. He has a relationship with his Heavenly Father that I can never have. I am envious of the depth of his experience of God's grace & forgiveness. He's a man who was changed from old into new, and it was a beautiful transformation. I feel so petty and irreverent at times with the things I struggle with, knowing how God has brought him through a lot of hard times. Not that the Lord hasn't done great things in my life, but it seems like Curtis has this knowledge of God's love that I miss out on in the familiarity of my 20 year Christian faith walk. I become hard hearted to the things God does every day. Curtis has an appreciation for all things great and small.
He is a loving father and husband. He may be rough in a way, being very much a man, but he loves so passionately and faithfully. I've never felt more safe, more loved, more sacrificed for. He's not perfect. He's just perfect for me. Someone once asked me if I felt like Curtis was the answer to my prayers for a husband, and I will say that Curtis isn't exactly what I prayed for. And, I am SO thankful that he's the man God picked for me, not the one I naively thought I needed. It's simply that God brought me a husband who is exactly what I needed, because my Heavenly Father knows me more than I know myself. I feel like Curtis was hand picked and delivered to me. I never would've thought I would be with a man like him. He's the only man that I can't steamroll. He stands up and demands that he is the leader of this family, and he lovingly allows me to voice my opinions. He puts me in my place when I need it, and he always loves me through my growing pains. We've hit more than a few bumps in the road due to the 8 1/2 year age difference between us. I am thankful for a husband with enough experience in life to know when to relax and let things go. I struggle with that on a daily basis. He's taught me that there's so much more to life than the things I tend to worry about. And, I have taught him to be a little more gentle. Curtis and I complement each other in a way that is beyond a ridiculous description of words. I could never be with anyone else. And, just last night, Curtis looked at me and said, "I don't think any woman has ever loved me as much as you do. You're the love of my life."
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Gage: Three Months Old
Dude, you're three months old now. You've been sick this past week, and it was your first time being stuffy and congested. Guess what? You don't like not being able to breathe. I feel ya.
This month, you have rolled over from front to back, and back to front. You are trying to sit up when I lay you down to sleep, because you'd rather be awake. You laugh, you smile, you flirt. You are starting to look more like a little boy and less like a baby. You started going to Mothers Day Out, and you seem to do well. I know it's good for our relationship to have a small break from each other like that. You've started putting your heels down and pushing yourself across the floor on your back. You like to push your feet against me when I am changing your diaper.
I have felt like I've failed you a few times this month. I think the exhaustion has finally caught up with me. Your daddy has really stepped in to do more things with you, now that you're a bit more fun. Between you and me, I think he just wasn't really sure what he was suppose to do, and it took him a couple of months to get the hang of things. You never cry when he holds you. Unless you're impatient for a bottle. You are starting to fill out all the cute little boy clothes we have for you. You sat in your ExerSaucer and played for the first time this past weekend. You were hanging on, pushing the buttons and making the music play.
I know I've been tired, more tired than usual. I think it's made me grumpier sometimes, and I haven't been as patient as possible. But, you always wake up smiling and happy and you don't act like you remember when I've been less than attentive. It's so wonderful to be loved by someone that I regularly disappoint. You're quite the wonderful charmer. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. I can't wait to see all the new things you'll learn this next month. It's such a joy to watch you grow.
Love, Mommy
This month, you have rolled over from front to back, and back to front. You are trying to sit up when I lay you down to sleep, because you'd rather be awake. You laugh, you smile, you flirt. You are starting to look more like a little boy and less like a baby. You started going to Mothers Day Out, and you seem to do well. I know it's good for our relationship to have a small break from each other like that. You've started putting your heels down and pushing yourself across the floor on your back. You like to push your feet against me when I am changing your diaper.
I have felt like I've failed you a few times this month. I think the exhaustion has finally caught up with me. Your daddy has really stepped in to do more things with you, now that you're a bit more fun. Between you and me, I think he just wasn't really sure what he was suppose to do, and it took him a couple of months to get the hang of things. You never cry when he holds you. Unless you're impatient for a bottle. You are starting to fill out all the cute little boy clothes we have for you. You sat in your ExerSaucer and played for the first time this past weekend. You were hanging on, pushing the buttons and making the music play.
I know I've been tired, more tired than usual. I think it's made me grumpier sometimes, and I haven't been as patient as possible. But, you always wake up smiling and happy and you don't act like you remember when I've been less than attentive. It's so wonderful to be loved by someone that I regularly disappoint. You're quite the wonderful charmer. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. I can't wait to see all the new things you'll learn this next month. It's such a joy to watch you grow.
Love, Mommy
Thursday, March 4, 2010
What We're Not Telling You
I recently have had one of the toughest weeks of my life. Sick husband causes sick baby causes sick Me. I have never had to take care of someone else who doesn't feel good, while I feel like death warmed over. It sucks. Add this to life's general crap, and, well, it makes for a great story about how I can be a horrible mother some days. My body is not capable of complete rest at this stage in life. Knowing that Gage relies upon us as his parents to take care of him challenges us each in different ways. Curtis has the entire financial burden of providing for us. Thankfully, he works incredibly hard, and God always provides for us in abundance. But, still, it's exhausting. I feel the pressure of being constantly on call for booger retrieving, butt wiping, bottle mixing, and barf cleaning. And, I still have to manage to play with and smile at our son. Some days, as in this past week, that's been harder than ever. Nothing like the gentle reminder of a screaming infant to cause me to remember to take my birth control!
Not everyone realizes the affect a constantly needy person has on your marriage. We fall into bed exhausted and I am wondering if we even looked each other in the eye and said I love you with our full attention some days. It's a good thing that we have learned to make the most of our time together. Finally the weather is allowing some walks with Gage in the stroller. Gage has been going to bed around 7pm (before he was freaking out about the whole not being able to breathe due to his congested head) and there's that wonderful thing called Mother's Day Out. He went back today. And, thank God! I was completely at my wit's end. I remember yelling (yes, I yelled) at him at some point "I know you don't feel good, but mommy doesn't either!" And, this morning, I was just begging God that Gage would be ok enough to go to daycare, because I needed a nap and a break from him and his not feeling good.
The doctor said "No fever, just a freaking head cold. No Tylenol, please. It will work itself out." And I replied in my mind "Ok, will you please prescribe me some sedatives for my own sanity??" I swear, this is how people go crazy. Sleep depravation is used as a form of torture in POW camps. I am totally down with losing some sleep for my sick kid, but being sick myself has been a kick in the head. Again, adding that to the general drama that comes with life, I can see why those rich wives, and desperate middle class moms load up on the pills. Thank God I don't have any prescriptions available. They might have proved too tempting this week.
Don't let me forget to give credit to Curtis for helping as much as he can. Of course, he was sick and didn't feel 100% until Tuesday. By that time, Gage was already getting sick, and I was a close 3rd place. And, no one can ever pretend to understand a mother's responsibility. So don't try. Don't dumb it down. Don't you dare take away our credit. To every mom who does this life sober!
Another thing about how disappointed I am with this body hiding under my clothes these days. I might have lost the weight, but it's not the same. Maybe a tan and some more lunges. I know, time heals all wounds. Even the ones left by carrying a child around INSIDE your size 2 body for 9 months. Hello size 4, please tell me you're only here for a short stay. Oh, and abs, I know you're in there, and I WILL FIND YOU AND DRAG YOU INTO THE SUNSHINE, so help me!!
Gage finally caught up on his sleep with a 4 hour nap this afternoon. There IS A GOD! Motherhood and death row will drive a person to the Lord. I thought I was going to do pretty well with the loss of sleep, because I have always LOVED a good nap, but I can go without much sleep for ridiculously long periods of time. Before I met Curtis, I was working full time teaching Group Exercise at a few different places. I woke up every morning to be at the gym by 5am to start the day with a 5:30am class. I taught 2 more classes every week day morning, and afternoon/evening classes a few times a week as a fill in when needed. I woke up every Saturday for 3 years to teach a class at 8 or 8:30. I went through a rough patch where I was also staying out late, occasionally drinking too much, and staying overnight with friends. And, I still got up and did the gym thing. This was only 3 years ago. And, now, I have this small child, and I can barely keep it together. Maybe it's because I am not being paid for this sleep depravation! I am aware that I am investing in the future of a human being. I am also aware that I like to sleep when I feel like it. I was OK until the germs attacked me. They must have attacked my ability to stay sane as well.
So, what are we not telling you? Mothers aren't telling you how freaking hard this is sometimes. How much we cry, how frustrated and sometimes angry we get. How guilty we feel for not loving every minute of it. The horrible things that come to mind at 3am when you have to get up once again to take care of pooping and feeding and burping. Being tired, in the middle of the night, I think things that I would never imagine during my normal wakefulness. My exhausted mind allows me to consider never having more kids. Wishing this one would hurry up and just grow up already. Thinking how nice it would be to drop him off, go to Starbucks with a book and my iPod and not come back until I am good and ready. That could be several, several hours. Maybe 24 in a row! I dream of him being the age when you can drop your kids off for the whole weekend with a friend or family member and do our own thing. 24 hours without any crying. Oh verbal communication, I never realized how much I loved you. Gage will be learning sign language ASAP so he can communicate with me about simple things before he can really talk to me. It's like being ignored, and then forced to play a guessing game when he wants something. That's what no one is telling you. How much this sucks.
We aren't telling you how it feels to finally soothe a sad baby. How proud we are when they do something new. When you see the light bulb go off in their head. When you think they are finally catching on to something. When they smile for you. When they kicked and kicked inside your belly, and you knew you would never be alone again. You'd always have this little person who would grow into a big person, who would make you something you couldn't be without them. A mother.
I look forward to that little blonde boy bringing me weeds he calls flowers, and tracking mud into the living room. I look forward to messy hugs and sloppy kisses. This thing, motherhood, it has very few immediate returns. You can't be selfish. You can't do this and maintain some sense of detachment. You're all in it, and you can't get away from it. Even the ones that leave. You can't ever stop being a mother. We aren't telling you how it feels to invest in someone and just hope and pray they turn out completely different from yourself. Because you know how terrible of a person you can be sometimes. You give, literally, of your own body to bring this person here, and no one will ever make you angrier, happier, more sad, or more proud.
Not everyone realizes the affect a constantly needy person has on your marriage. We fall into bed exhausted and I am wondering if we even looked each other in the eye and said I love you with our full attention some days. It's a good thing that we have learned to make the most of our time together. Finally the weather is allowing some walks with Gage in the stroller. Gage has been going to bed around 7pm (before he was freaking out about the whole not being able to breathe due to his congested head) and there's that wonderful thing called Mother's Day Out. He went back today. And, thank God! I was completely at my wit's end. I remember yelling (yes, I yelled) at him at some point "I know you don't feel good, but mommy doesn't either!" And, this morning, I was just begging God that Gage would be ok enough to go to daycare, because I needed a nap and a break from him and his not feeling good.
The doctor said "No fever, just a freaking head cold. No Tylenol, please. It will work itself out." And I replied in my mind "Ok, will you please prescribe me some sedatives for my own sanity??" I swear, this is how people go crazy. Sleep depravation is used as a form of torture in POW camps. I am totally down with losing some sleep for my sick kid, but being sick myself has been a kick in the head. Again, adding that to the general drama that comes with life, I can see why those rich wives, and desperate middle class moms load up on the pills. Thank God I don't have any prescriptions available. They might have proved too tempting this week.
Don't let me forget to give credit to Curtis for helping as much as he can. Of course, he was sick and didn't feel 100% until Tuesday. By that time, Gage was already getting sick, and I was a close 3rd place. And, no one can ever pretend to understand a mother's responsibility. So don't try. Don't dumb it down. Don't you dare take away our credit. To every mom who does this life sober!
Another thing about how disappointed I am with this body hiding under my clothes these days. I might have lost the weight, but it's not the same. Maybe a tan and some more lunges. I know, time heals all wounds. Even the ones left by carrying a child around INSIDE your size 2 body for 9 months. Hello size 4, please tell me you're only here for a short stay. Oh, and abs, I know you're in there, and I WILL FIND YOU AND DRAG YOU INTO THE SUNSHINE, so help me!!
Gage finally caught up on his sleep with a 4 hour nap this afternoon. There IS A GOD! Motherhood and death row will drive a person to the Lord. I thought I was going to do pretty well with the loss of sleep, because I have always LOVED a good nap, but I can go without much sleep for ridiculously long periods of time. Before I met Curtis, I was working full time teaching Group Exercise at a few different places. I woke up every morning to be at the gym by 5am to start the day with a 5:30am class. I taught 2 more classes every week day morning, and afternoon/evening classes a few times a week as a fill in when needed. I woke up every Saturday for 3 years to teach a class at 8 or 8:30. I went through a rough patch where I was also staying out late, occasionally drinking too much, and staying overnight with friends. And, I still got up and did the gym thing. This was only 3 years ago. And, now, I have this small child, and I can barely keep it together. Maybe it's because I am not being paid for this sleep depravation! I am aware that I am investing in the future of a human being. I am also aware that I like to sleep when I feel like it. I was OK until the germs attacked me. They must have attacked my ability to stay sane as well.
So, what are we not telling you? Mothers aren't telling you how freaking hard this is sometimes. How much we cry, how frustrated and sometimes angry we get. How guilty we feel for not loving every minute of it. The horrible things that come to mind at 3am when you have to get up once again to take care of pooping and feeding and burping. Being tired, in the middle of the night, I think things that I would never imagine during my normal wakefulness. My exhausted mind allows me to consider never having more kids. Wishing this one would hurry up and just grow up already. Thinking how nice it would be to drop him off, go to Starbucks with a book and my iPod and not come back until I am good and ready. That could be several, several hours. Maybe 24 in a row! I dream of him being the age when you can drop your kids off for the whole weekend with a friend or family member and do our own thing. 24 hours without any crying. Oh verbal communication, I never realized how much I loved you. Gage will be learning sign language ASAP so he can communicate with me about simple things before he can really talk to me. It's like being ignored, and then forced to play a guessing game when he wants something. That's what no one is telling you. How much this sucks.
We aren't telling you how it feels to finally soothe a sad baby. How proud we are when they do something new. When you see the light bulb go off in their head. When you think they are finally catching on to something. When they smile for you. When they kicked and kicked inside your belly, and you knew you would never be alone again. You'd always have this little person who would grow into a big person, who would make you something you couldn't be without them. A mother.
I look forward to that little blonde boy bringing me weeds he calls flowers, and tracking mud into the living room. I look forward to messy hugs and sloppy kisses. This thing, motherhood, it has very few immediate returns. You can't be selfish. You can't do this and maintain some sense of detachment. You're all in it, and you can't get away from it. Even the ones that leave. You can't ever stop being a mother. We aren't telling you how it feels to invest in someone and just hope and pray they turn out completely different from yourself. Because you know how terrible of a person you can be sometimes. You give, literally, of your own body to bring this person here, and no one will ever make you angrier, happier, more sad, or more proud.
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